Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

2007-04-29 10:46:12 · 29 answers · asked by Because I Said So 7

1) how do u put a giraffe in2 a refrigerator?
open the door n put the bloody giraffe inside..duh

simba has called ALL of the animals 4 a meeting
which animal isnt there?
y the giraffe ofcors its in the fridge

u have 2 cross a river full of alligators that will eat you alive
how do you cross?
swim over the alligators r in the meeting..duh


2) there were 3 army men in a helicopter
the pilot said that the helicopter was too heavy and that they needed to let go of something
so one pilot let go of a stick, the other let go of a rock, and the last let go of a bomb.

when the first guy landed he saw a kid crying he asked y he was crying the kid said ...i walked outside n a stick fell on my head. the second guy landed n saw a girl crying he asked the same thing n she sed the same thing only with rock in it.
now the last guy landed n saw a kid laughing. he asked y he was laughing n he said when i farted my house blew up

tell me wat u think

2007-04-29 10:43:59 · 6 answers · asked by ana 1

Guy walks into a bar....

Guy: Hey bartender, give me the drink that will get me drunk the most.

Bartender: It's called the atomic drink, only drink half cause if you drink it all, you won't make it out of this bar.

He drinks half, feels fine, so drinks it all

Guy: Hey that was great, give me another

Bartender: If you drink another we will have to carry you home,

He drinks it anyways, still feels okay.

Guy: Hey give me another!

Bartender: Man, if you drink another you could possibly die.

The guy thinks and takes the drink, and drinks all of it. Then he walks up to the bartender.

Guy: Hey, I think I'm gonna head on out now, I don't feel so good.

The guy leaves and comes back the next day. The bartender
looks at him.

Bartender: Man you don't look so good.

Guy: Yeah, last night I blew chunks.

Bartender: Ha, you threw up huh?

Guy:...........Chunks is my dog.

2007-04-29 10:43:47 · 23 answers · asked by Patrick 2

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in bed with the Nanny He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about"

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

2007-04-29 10:14:34 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walking down the street, a man is approached by a tramp who begs him for some money.
"Let me give you a drink" said the man.
"I don't drink," replied the tramp.

"Then let me give you a cigarette."
"No thanks, I don't smoke."

"How about this betting slip for the 2.30 at Cheltenham tomorrow?"
Again the tramp refused, saying, "I don't gamble."

Suddenly the man has an idea.
"Why don't you come back with me and I'll cook you a 3-course meal with all the trimmings?"
"Look," said the tramp. "Wouldn't be be just easier to give me the money."

"Maybe, but I want my wife to see what happens to someone who doesn't drink, smoke or gamble."

2007-04-29 10:11:32 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did you hear about this large?
powerfully-built guy who met a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

2007-04-29 10:11:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes go into a bar chanting 61 days. The bartender gets curious and asked one of the blondes why they are chanting 61 days. So the blonde says, "we completed a jigsaw puzzle that says 3-6 years and we did it in 61 days".

2007-04-29 09:58:34 · 21 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

The little boy greeted his grandma with a hug and said, I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he had been promising us.

The grandmother was curious.

What trick is that my dear? She asked.

The little boy replied, I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.

2007-04-29 09:56:04 · 9 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

Manager asked to sardar at an interview
Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Sardar replyed: -P-O-S-T-B-O-X.
========
After returning back from a foreign trip, sardar asked his wife,
Do I look like a foreigner?
Wife: No! Why?
Sardar: In London a lady asked me Are you a foreigner?
========
One tourist from U.S.A. asked to Sardar: Any great man born in this
village???
Sardar: no sir, only small Babies!!!
======
On a political rally sardar was arrested. Why??? A woman journalist
walking with a badge wrote "PRESS" and He did it..
===========
When sardar was traveling with his wife in an auto, the driver adjusted
mirror. Sardar shouted, "You are trying to see my wife? Sit back. I will
drive.
========
Interviewer: just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will
you escape?
Sardar: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!
========
Interviewer: what is your birth date?
Sardar: 13th October
Interviewer: Which year?
Sardar:Are you a fool?---EVERY year!

2007-04-29 09:39:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side " When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."
Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.
"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".
Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.
"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

2007-04-29 09:37:33 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man escapes from prison?
where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-04-29 09:36:41 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Now listen, sons," said daddy hedgehog. "You're old enough to leave home and there are many dangers out there, the worst one being that busy road. If you ever need to cross it, but a car comes along before you get to the other side, just make sure you're standing in the middle of the lane and it will go over you without hurting you. Look, I'll show you."

The hedgehog went out to the middle of the lane and waited for an oncoming car.

"Here comes one!" he shouted. "Now watch how its....." but that's all he had time to say before there was a sickening crunchy sound and poor dad was flattened.

"Oh dear," said one of the sons, "I meant to ask him about three-wheelers."

2007-04-29 09:30:08 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

yay pie! =D

<333333

2007-04-29 09:27:03 · 5 answers · asked by Nessa 1

It was the frist day of School:

Teacher: Young man, please stand and state your name

Student: Mah' name is Pisspot maam

Teacher: Pisspot?? well I don't find that very funny. Now you go home and dont come back until you can tell me your real name

Student turns to his twin brother and says: Well, come on Shitty, 'cuz she ain't gon' believe yo' name eitha...

2007-04-29 09:24:22 · 48 answers · asked by tujunoho 1

Over a pint in the local pub a farmer was telling his neighbour about the trouble he was having with his chickens. They weren't laying, they weren't breeding. Hearing this, his neighbour told him not to worry because he had a cockerel that was forever on the job, in fact he'd worn his chickens out, so he was quite happy to sell him. The transaction took place and the rooster went home to the new farm. in no time at all he was servicing all the chickens with amazing results, and not only that, the ducks were looking a lot livelier, as were the geese. The farmer was overjoyed.
However, two days later the farmer couldn't find his prize rooster anywhere and it took a lot of searching before he was eventually discovered behind the barn, lying stiff with his legs in the air.
"Oh no," said the farmer, "the poor bas*ard, all that work's killed him."
"Sshhh!" whispered the rooster. "See those vultures up there....?"

2007-04-29 09:22:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit boxes and start to work on them immediately. They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container of vanilla pudding inside.

The Head Gangster says, "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding. They drill and pry open up the second safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.

Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said, "Well, at least they left something for us to eat."

The next day, while listening to the news they hear:
"Yesterday the largest SPERM bank in the USA was robbed by an unknown group of people.....

2007-04-29 09:17:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

AND......

CONCERNED ABOUT! TOO MANY CARBS IN YOUR DIET?

For those of you who watch what you eat,
Heres the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you

2007-04-29 09:06:53 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."

2007-04-29 09:05:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions -
"Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...
The 45th bus just went by!

2007-04-29 08:58:01 · 9 answers · asked by Melissa S 2

ok, so this blond wants to learn to fly a helicopter. she hires this teacher and all that stuff. the teacher teaches her everything and then he sends her up solo.she is doing great-she calls in at 1000 ft and 2000 feet. when she was supposed to reach 3000 ft, she didn't call down so her instructor gets worried. he races over to the place where she was flying and sees the helicopter crashed. he asked her what happened when she regained her conscious. she said that as she got higher, it got colder, so she turned off the big fan at the top of the copter.

2007-04-29 08:56:54 · 12 answers · asked by Sam 5

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

A rebel without a clue.

2007-04-29 08:54:10 · 12 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.

The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"

The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"

The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"

2007-04-29 08:52:57 · 13 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

What did the blonde say when she saw a box Cheerios?

"Neato...Doughnut seeds!"

Stars for a laugh.

2007-04-29 08:48:53 · 12 answers · asked by Gsplan 6

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by
Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this
holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and
pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents
a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly
gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket
and pulled out a set of keys. He shook
them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through
the pearly gates".


The third man started searching desperately
through his pockets and finally pulled out a
pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised
eyebrow and asked,"And just what do those
symbolize?

The man replied," "These are Carol's."

2007-04-29 08:43:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a pirate ship out sailing the seven seas. The watchtower guy sees an enemy ship approaching, so he runs to his captain.
"Captain," he says "There is ship coming right at us! What shall we do?"
The Captain replies, "Bring forth my redcoat."
The watchtower guy complies. Once in his redcoat, the Captain leads his men to a stunning victory over the enemy ship.
A few days later, the watchtower guy sees two enemy ships approaching. Again he goes to the captain, "What shall we do? They are two ships! We are only one!"
Again the Captain remains calm. "Bring forth my redcoat. We will take these ships just as we took the last one!" Again the watchtower guy complies and they are again victorious. While everybody on board is celebrating, the WT guy pulls the captain aside and asks, "Captain, what is so special about the redcoat? Why do you always where it in battle?"
The captain answers, "Well, matey, I wear it for you guys. If I get wounded during battle, (to be cont'd)

2007-04-29 08:42:31 · 8 answers · asked by miss kitty 2

2007-04-29 08:24:29 · 21 answers · asked by Mr. Heel 2

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."

2007-04-29 08:21:17 · 25 answers · asked by Melissa S 2

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy...

In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

2007-04-29 08:18:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he says, "Excuse me GOD, can I ask you a few questions?"

GOD replied, "Go on Adam but be quick I have a world to create."

So Adam says," When you created Eve, why did You make her body so curvy and tender unlike mine?"

"I did that, Adam, so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You give her long, shinny, beautiful hair, and not me?"

"I did that Adam so that you could love her."

"Oh, well then, why did You make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?"

"Well Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you"

2007-04-29 08:16:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a cement truck driver decided to surprise his wife by coming home for lunch. When he got to his house, he noticed a brand new Cadillac parked at the curb. He got out of his truck and snuck up to the front porch and looked inside the window. In the livingroom, there was his wife hugging another man. Then they went towards the backyard.

So the husband went back to his cement truck and quickly positioned it to the open window of the Cadillac. He then released enough quick dry cement to fill up the whole interior. Then he drove off.

That evening he came home to find his wife crying hysterically. He asked her why was she crying. She said "I had a brand new Cadillac delivered to surprise you for your birthday, and when I went to show the salesman the party setup in the backyard, some fool came along and filled up the Cadillac with cement."

2007-04-29 08:06:52 · 8 answers · asked by tujunoho 1