Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

A jewish youth approached his dad, and asked to borrow 200 dollars.
His dad replied, " A hundred dollars? Why do you need fifty dollars?"

2007-04-19 08:54:59 · 16 answers · asked by STORMY 5

2007-04-19 08:52:32 · 11 answers · asked by zatarav 1

2007-04-19 08:52:30 · 4 answers · asked by bluedocksmut 1

I am bored.Make my laugh
please

2007-04-19 08:51:55 · 19 answers · asked by Foolishness. 4

I have no idea what the punchline is, but just the thought of it is funny enough alone.
Can anyone come up with a punchline for this joke?

2007-04-19 08:17:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy was sent to heaven. there he saw a bunch of clocks. he asked the gatemaster what the clocks were for. the gatemaster said that they werent clocks but they were lie tellers. so he look at Abraham Lincoln and saw that he lied 3 times. he looked at his own and it said 54. he was curious how many times george w. bush lied. he asked the gatemaster where is george w. bush's clock? the gatemaster replis saying that oh that? well Jesus uses that as his ceilling fan.




star if you liked it

2007-04-19 08:11:44 · 17 answers · asked by AzNsLoBOi922 3

A man decides to buy a nice horse. He pays $600 for it, and he is very content with this strong animal. After a year, the value of the horse has increased to $700 and he decides to sell the horse. But already a few days later he regrets his decision to sell the beautiful horse, and he buys it again. Unfortunately he has to pay $800 to get it back, so he loses $100. After another year of owning the horse, he finally decides to sell the horse for $900. What is the overall profit the man makes?

You can find roads without cars, And roam through forests without trees, Cities exist without houses? Whatever can I be?

What 11-letter English word does everyone pronounce incorrectly?

2007-04-19 08:03:27 · 15 answers · asked by PYT 2

i need a laugh


hooked on phonics !!

2007-04-19 07:56:52 · 19 answers · asked by Gabriel D 3

Air Force 1 arrives at Heathrow and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to 6 white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering f@rt ever heard in the British Empire . The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The f@rt shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen turns to Bush, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Bush, always trying to be presidential, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it I thought it was one of the horses"

2007-04-19 07:53:16 · 14 answers · asked by Ecko 4

Since my last riddle was guessed so easily I will ask one more for tonight (and try to confuse Tripleplay,lol)

When Henry joined his local towns police force his picture was on the front of the local paper.He went on to have a very successful career and never failed to do his job perfectly.Yet in all that time he was never promoted or even paid for his work on the force.Can you tell me why?

2007-04-19 07:51:08 · 13 answers · asked by danny261178 3

Whats the difference between Saddam Hussain and a Tampax??????



Ones a c**t hangin from a String and the other one is a string hangin from a c**t!!!!!.....


L M F A O

2007-04-19 07:42:26 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-19 07:01:54 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she
bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop
up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a
salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the
salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you
today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been
there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shx@ yourself when I tell you the price."

2007-04-19 06:59:05 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husbands birthday is coming up in August, I just closed on a piece of property I bought for him in his favorite vacation area and I plan on getting him there under the assumption that he is bidding a job and I want him to think he has to build a huge house out of junk.

2007-04-19 06:45:14 · 1 answers · asked by angie 4

it sounds bad but isn't

2007-04-19 05:48:49 · 26 answers · asked by RAZ 1

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a flight from
L.A. To New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines
And rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a
Question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-
Versa." Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily
Win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the
Answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she
Plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the
Earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
Hands it to the lawyer Then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill
With three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He
Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the
Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and
Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the
blonde and asks,

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back
to sleep.

2007-04-19 05:37:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

'The dinner seems to be taking forever to cook!' moaned Casey.

'Don't blame me,' said his missus, 'I'm only following instructions. On the box it says that the peas have to be boiled separately. I can't tell you how long it's taking!'

On another box of instructions it said 'Stand in boiling water for twenty minutes'. Mrs Casey could never manage that, her feet hurt to much when the water got too hot!

2007-04-19 05:15:57 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blind man walks into a bar with his labrador he sits down and a bartender comes over and asks him what he wants to drink, he orders a drink and the bartender goes a fetches it. when he turns round he see's the blind man swinging the labrador round and round above his head, the bartender screams at him
'what the hell are you doing!'
the blind man then replies
'its alrite mate im only having a look around.
giv me a star if it makes u giggle!!!

2007-04-19 02:46:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

2007-04-19 00:21:50 · 18 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

To market to market
to buy a tomato
My cousin jim was hit by one the other day
Tomato are soft and they don't brues
Only trouble with this one it was wraped in a tin

2007-04-18 23:53:11 · 2 answers · asked by jobees 6

a Mathematician desperately trying to solve a question, utters the words that he'd sell his soul to the Devil for the answer...

The Devil comes to collect and refuses to allow the Mathematician out of bargain.
However, the Devil decides to play a game with the Mathematician and explains the rules:
He will be allowed to ask three questions to find out the extent of the Devil's abilities, he must then present a question that the Devil can't answer or a task that he can't complete. If he can do that, he will be free, although nobody has succeeded for thousands of years.

Inadvertently the Mathemetician blurts out, "Really?" and wastes his first question.

With your Soul on the line, what two questions do you ask the Devil and what impossible task do you ask the Devil to complete in order to save your soul?

10 points to the first correct answer - or for the nearest.

2007-04-18 23:00:59 · 18 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

What crazy house rules did your mom have when you were growing up? Doesnt have to be true , just funny and brief

2007-04-18 21:46:57 · 8 answers · asked by Boo Boo 5

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

2007-04-18 21:18:26 · 21 answers · asked by Gina B 4

so far from now, there was mountain where a anciant temple located the top of the mountain, and there was a older Buddhist monk telling a story and the younger monk listening. what is the story? the story is " so far from now, there was mountain where a anciant temple located the top of the mountain, and there was a older Buddhist monk telling a story and the younger monk listening. what is the story? the story is " so far from now, there was mountain where a anciant temple located the top of the mountain, and there was a older Buddhist monk telling a story and the younger monk listening. what is the story? the story is ......"(it repeated again and again...)

2007-04-18 20:50:44 · 10 answers · asked by Calvary 2

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."

2007-04-18 20:11:31 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

2007-04-18 20:02:20 · 6 answers · asked by Gina B 4

2007-04-18 19:46:03 · 21 answers · asked by Sandeep Mittal 4

2007-04-18 19:11:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called "making love", darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called "making love". It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!

2007-04-18 18:58:26 · 4 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

How in the world am I going to do this. I have to get this thingmajig under control by the morning. The thingy will not ignite and I cant get the dooflotchiemabbober to start either. All it says is shimmy shimmy shimmy. What should I do. The thingamabobber doesnt want to work either. Please help me get the jim jam working again.

2007-04-18 17:52:06 · 4 answers · asked by AnswersGuru 3