Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City
subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank
adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips
out his wallet, pulls out a couple of dollar bills and gladly hands them
over to the beggar with a smile.

The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other
passengers.

Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did
you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on
drugs or booze!!!"

Matt replies, "What...and we weren't?"

2007-04-17 12:45:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

three men are building a building....the frst one opens his lunch makes a face than eats it while complaining that he eats that same lunch evryday....tthe other two men do the same.....they all agree that if they have the same lunch the next day they will jump off the building they are making..all of them get the same lunch as before and each jump off and die...the wives are asked to tell their stories the first 2 said that they couldnt believe that their lunches were the cause of their husbands deaths...the 3rd wife simply said that idiot packed his own lunch........
............................................................wat do u think............................................dont u tink i deserve a star?????plz giv me 1

2007-04-17 12:42:04 · 14 answers · asked by an unknown friend 3

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it
off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and
happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
Live simply and appreciate what you have.
Give more.
Expect less

NOW............

Enough of that crap . . .

The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ***, it always comes back to bite you.

2007-04-17 12:09:37 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Turn your speakers up, and listen to how he screams!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-sS5RVKeMU

2007-04-17 12:09:04 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

woman goes into hospital and has a fanny lift
as she is recovering in her room she recieves three bunches of flowers
1st bunch is off her husband who cant wait for her to get better

2nd bunch is off her surgeon to wish her a speedy recovery and good luck

and the 3rd bunch is off pete from the burns unit to say thanks for his new ears..

2007-04-17 11:56:46 · 20 answers · asked by nicola h 1

Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.




P.S Im a SMART BLONDE!

2007-04-17 11:54:16 · 11 answers · asked by Laura Block 4

A man walks down the street, feels cold. He walks home to get his jacket. He gets it,and walks down the same street again. The shops are all different. What was this particular street called? 10 pt.s for an answer right on the money.

2007-04-17 11:43:07 · 16 answers · asked by Stan Man 3

ok there were three guys who just died and when god showed up he wanted to know they all died befor letting them in
1st guy
well i had been having this feeling like my wife was cheeting on me so i decided to come home early from work....when i gto home i heard the shower running so i started looking around then i saw him hanging of the balcany so i went over and started stomping on his hands but he ddint fall so iwent and grabed a hammer and pounded on his hands then he fell but he landed in a buch and didnt die so i pushed the fridge on him....then i felt sorry and shot my self....
2nd guy
well i just moved into my new appartment and while looking ant the great view i fell two storys down and grab the balcany so i was sceaming then i saw this guy come over and he stated stomping in my hands then he left then he came back with a hammer and pounded my hands and i fell into a bush a while laying there i see this big white thing coming after me
3rd guy
i was hiding in a fridge

2007-04-17 11:40:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next.

2007-04-17 11:38:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor she's broken every
single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.

The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg with
her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells
"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain her
composure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I told
you I broke every bone in my body."

The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"
he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,
you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken
your finger."

2007-04-17 11:35:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just as Little Johnny is coming out of the school gates, a car draws up and a man leans over to ask her is he'd like a lift home.
"No thank you," he replies.
But he asks again, "Come on, it's raining, you'll be soaked by the time you get home."
"No, go away and leave me alone!"
The man follows him up the road, "Look, get in please, I'll get you some sweeties."
"No!" he yells and starts to run.
"I'll get you some sweeties and your favourite comic."
"No, no no!!!" shouts Little Johnny, "Just 'cos you bought the Lada doesn't mean I have to ride in it, Dad!"

2007-04-17 11:30:31 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A broke blonde decides to ask God for help. "Dear Lord," she prays, "if I don't get some cash, I'm gonna lose everything. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, but the blonde doesn't win. She prays even harder, saying, "God, why have you forsaken me? My children are starving. Please just let me win this once."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, and the blonde hears God speak.

"Sweetheart, work with me on this," he says. "Buy a ticket."

2007-04-17 11:23:16 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-17 10:53:25 · 10 answers · asked by V for Vendetta 1

Karen , Laura, Manuel, and Nevin are a carpenter, a firefighter, a jockey, and a soldier{US Military Person}. Their last names are Orton, Pauling, Quintil, and Ruter. Read the statements below and see if u can match up everything.

Manuel who should weigh about 190 but weighs 250, has been on a low carb diet for the past 2 weeks.

Pauling has one of the two most dangerous jobs.

Karen doesn't wear a uniform while working.

Quintil eats like a pig, but her small size and natural ability for her job make her in a great demand.

Orton and Karen split a large pizza last night.

Nevin isn't the firefighter.

Can u match the last names and first names and the jobs?

2007-04-17 10:35:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde rings and gets the answering machine "You have reached the breast self-examination hot line. Please press 1 now...

....Now press the other one."

2007-04-17 10:30:16 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to the gates of heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter says to him "God has looked at your book of life and you are welcome in heaven under one condition"

The man says "What's that?"

St. Peter says "You must spell the word 'Love'." So he does and he is let in to heaven. As he gets in, St. Peter's beeper goes off. He tells the man to watch the gate until he returns, and reminds him that he must ask whoever comes to spell the word.

Next thing you know, the man’s wife show up at the gate and he asks her what she is doing there.

She says that on the way home from the funeral, there was an accident and she died. The husband says alright, but you do have to spell one word first before you come in to heaven.

She asks "What's that?"

He says "Spell Czechoslovakia"

2007-04-17 10:28:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

...Girl to Guy,.."NO, I dont want to!". Guy to Girl,."Why not?". Girl to Guy,.."I want to stay here with you!".

2007-04-17 10:07:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the forest, there was a king named King Lion. He was very old, there for he would retire soon. He made a sighn that said "come to the biggest tree in the forest at 3:00 if you want to become king". At 3:00, there was 4 animals there. A monkey, an elephant, a bear and a tiny deer. King Lion walked up to him and held out a stick. " if you throw this stick in the air, count to ten, and catch the stick at the same time you say ten, then you will be the new king. The monkey threw the stick up and said "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6" and cautght the stick. Ashamed, the mokey walked away. Than the elephent threw the stick up. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7" and caught the stick. Ashamed, the elephant walked away. Then the bear threw the stick up. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9" and caught the stick. Then it was the tiny deers turn. The animals laughed at him, for they did not think such a small deer can do it if they could. The tiny deer thew the stick up, counted to ten and cought the stick. How did he do it?

2007-04-17 09:23:59 · 24 answers · asked by luv bites (so do i) 3

ok there was once a pastor who was giving a speech and was smoking marihuana. He says " People look at the man look at him." Everyone looks at Jesus. Then 10 minutes later he says "people look at the man " Everyone looks. Then he smokes again. 10 minutes later he says "homies look at the man now look at him" Everyone looks again. Then he smokes. Finally he says 10 minutes later " Homies look at the old wrinkkly man up there man look at him!!!

2007-04-17 09:21:40 · 7 answers · asked by *Princess* 2

2 Cannibals father and son find a beautiful buxom blonde in the jungle....the son says shall we take her home and eat her...the father says no!! we'll take her home and eat your mother.....

2007-04-17 09:19:34 · 24 answers · asked by William C 2

For some time this man has been living next door to a beautiful young girl and they have never done more than just say hello on meeting.
One day, however, the girl comes out wearing a flimsy dressing gown and invites him over to her door. It's obvious she's making out to him and he becomes very hot under the collar. all of a sudden she urgently whispers to him, "Let's go inside, I hear someone coming..."
He blindly follows her indoors and once inside she drops her dressing gown to the floor and stands there stark naked.
"So honey," she coos, "what do you think my best attribute is?"
The man stutters, "It's er... It's got to be your ears."
"My ears!" she gasps. "Why?" Have you ever seen such flawless skin, have you ever seen such beautiful breasts, have you ever seen such a firm backside? Yet you say my ears!"
"Well, it's like this" he explains. "When we were outside and you said you heard someone coming...Well....that was me."

2007-04-17 09:18:07 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who thinks this is the funniest thing they have ever heard ?
i was in the toilet cubicle in a shop the other day doing a pooh when someone came in the cubicle next to me next thing i heard was "alright m8" i was like ermmm "alright" then he says " so what you up too" me confused as hell says "ermm im doing a sheeite!" then i heard him saying hold on 2 seconds m8 somone in the next cubicles talking to me lmao!! HE WAS ON HIS MOBILE PHONE!! ive never laughed so hard in my entire life and im sure use will have a chuckle at my expense too hehe (needless to say i quicly scarpered b4 the laughing fit)
sheeite is spelled like that so as not to swear lol

2007-04-17 08:57:49 · 19 answers · asked by alan22 2

This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties, etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you look lovely this afternoon, madam."

She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say that?" she asks.

"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color for you."

The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"

The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place on 7th Street."

So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.

Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back out. The parrot is very cold.

She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such language in my house!"

The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply sorry."

Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm and once on the finger.

The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves him in there for fifteen minutes.

When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is shivering and has light frost on the beak. "I swear it will never ever happen again! I will never insult you again! I promise!" As he thaws, he looks up at the lady and says, "I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what'd he do, attack you?"

2007-04-17 08:55:32 · 12 answers · asked by sharron 2

A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful brunette.

The puzzled brunette kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the brunette continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

2007-04-17 08:54:20 · 24 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

About sixteen percent of people have done this deceitful thing to their family member.

2007-04-17 08:44:23 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the number one occupation that women tell their girlfriends not to date?

2007-04-17 08:43:40 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

more than four percent of parents have done this to find out their child's secrets. What is it?

2007-04-17 08:43:05 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brandon, Nat, and Rob are driving along, and their car breaks down. They won't be able to get it repaired until the next day, so they go to a hotel.
Being cheap, they decide to split a single room. The girl at the desk says it costs $30, so they each pay $10, and head up to the room.
A short while later, the girl realizes the room was only $25, so she goes to the room and returns $5 to the guys.
They sit around a table, and place the $5 between them.
They each take $1 back.
So, having gotten a dollar back, now they've each payed $9, which makes a grand total of $27.
However, there is only $2 left on the table. The $27 and the $2 only at up to 29, not 30, so where did the extra dollar go?

2007-04-17 08:36:51 · 15 answers · asked by Brandon B 2

A farmer has 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house 3 or 4 times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese! By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful - and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they're getting closer."

2007-04-17 07:35:28 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT thing in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

2007-04-17 07:32:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous