Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

2007-04-16 03:19:54 · 24 answers · asked by Vivek O 2

After Chelsea returned from her first date with a new beau, Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and she thinks she's in love.

Hillary said, "You didn't have sex, did you?"

Chelsea said, "No, not according to Dad."
>

2007-04-16 03:10:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is going on holiday to cape town. She is flying in low class...half way through the journey she slowly sneaks up to first class. The flight attendant saw her going up and follows her. she tells the blonde to go bak down to her seat.
The blonde replies, 'No, i'm a blonde, i'm pretty and i'm going to cape town'...
so the flight attendant gets a senior attendant...he tells the blonde to go bak to her seat, but she replies, 'No, i'm a blonde, i'm pretty and i'm going to cape town'...
So the flight attendants get the co-pilot...they tell him that we can't get this blonde to go back to her seat....
the co-pilot says, 'aaaah, i know just what to do as my wife is also a blonde, i know blonde language'...so he goes upto the blonde, whispers something in her ear and she runs down straight to her seat.....the flight attendants look at him in amazament and say, 'how on earth did you do that'....the co-pilot replies, 'I just told her first class isn't going to cape town'.

2007-04-16 02:51:16 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a
mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!


1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is f*rt cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down,

2007-04-16 02:50:49 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Did and one see the reuion show if I love new york if so what did you think about it and what do you think about NY and Tango who broke up with New York over what she'd said about his mother.

2007-04-16 02:22:09 · 8 answers · asked by summer d 3

2007-04-16 00:58:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 pts 4 1st correct ans.

2007-04-16 00:56:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

XMAS EVE; SANTA'S out giving present's, when he drop's down a chimley; on putting present's out a women apear's from under the sheet's. and say's to SANTA; come to bed and keep me warm; SANTA replie's i can't i have to get all the toy's to the children; so the women throw's the sheet below her breast; and say's SANTA come to bed and keep me warm; SANTA replie's i can't i have to get the toy's out, so the women throw's the sheet below her belly button; and say's SANTA come to bed and keep me warm SANTA replie's i can't i have to get these toy's out, so the women throw's the sheet right of; and say's SANTA come to bed and keep me warm; SANTA replie's i surpose i shall have to i will not get back up the chimley

2007-04-15 23:21:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

2007-04-15 22:28:48 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you get this right you are a crazy Murderer !!!!A women's mom died and she went to her funeral!!! She seen a man there and fell inlove!!! She didn't know his name or nothing!! 2 weeks later she killed her sister!!! Why?????

2007-04-15 20:28:02 · 12 answers · asked by dreamergirl443 2

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University. Hiking on his own through the bush, he came
across a young bull elephant standing with one foreleg raised in the
air.
The elephant seemed quite distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the pad of the elephant's
upraised foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out
with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot. The elephant turned to face Mbembe, and with a rather curious
but solemn look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen still, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and ambled away.
Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with
his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
huge creatures turned and came over to where Mbembe and his son were
standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front
foot off the ground, then put it down. The big elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Mbembe.
Remembering the encounter with the elephant back in 1986, Mbembe
couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the safety railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the bull elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.


Probably wasn't the same elephant.

2007-04-15 20:05:31 · 18 answers · asked by ry_in_dubai 3

A little Christian humor for a change

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They mouse.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed. Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES."

2007-04-15 18:28:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-15 18:11:26 · 9 answers · asked by z_huh 1

Two Pilots are coming in for final approach and getting ready to land when suddenly the Captain lands the plane really fast!!!!! and says "Wow!!! This Is The Shortest Runway I've Ever Seen!!", and the Co-Pilot says: "Yeah, But Look How Wide It Is"...

2007-04-15 18:08:29 · 18 answers · asked by ? 4

2007-04-15 17:41:39 · 6 answers · asked by kenneth h 6

itotally forgot his name

2007-04-15 17:17:13 · 12 answers · asked by amber (: 2

We'll have to work together to solve it... :P

...Okay, this is a question about Jokes and Riddles, so it wouldn't make sense if you reported me...

What should we do about people that are ruining the peace in Yahoo! Answers! I mean, seriously... I come here to relax, not to be tormented by people that don't like to play fair... Here's one person I'm VERY concerned about...
~Ciara J
~~When Ciara J answers jokes, she copies the same answer over and over again for EVERY SINGLE JOKE.

When she answers riddles, she enters false answers to become "first" ALWAYS starting with

"Hi girl i just wanted to say that i have the correct answer that you are looking for."

,waits for someone to come along with the right answer, copies their answer, and says that they copied her.

If the first correct person objects, she takes their objection and changes her name to theirs, making it almost impossible to detect who actually had the correct answer. I'll post her Q & A in a second.

2007-04-15 15:28:30 · 41 answers · asked by FAswimmerST 4

The scene is set in a mental hospital..

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's
driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie,what are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops
driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed m@$turbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?"
To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm sh@gging Charlie's wife while he's in Melbourne.

2007-04-15 14:48:15 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

I really find yo mamma jokes very very lame, boring, and not witty......anybody agree?

2007-04-15 14:11:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give it your best shot!!

2007-04-15 14:02:55 · 8 answers · asked by Star Light S 1

A man goes to the doctor and says,
"D..d..d.d..d.d.doctor I n.n..n.n.need your h.h.h.h.hhh..help!"
The man explains that his stutter is really getting him and his wife down and the doctor has to help.
The doctor does a full examination and eventually explains to the man that he needs him to drop his trousers and pants.
Dong!! the mans enormous problem thumps onto the table..
The doctor explains that the members size is causing the stutter by excess strain on the top half of the mans body.
However, there is a simple op to implant a smaller member and alleviate the problem.

The man has the op and at the hospital is saying gbye to doc.
"thanks doc you will change my life I can't wait to get home"

A few weeks later the man is back at the hospital and wants to see the doc,
"Doc, doc my wife says I need my big one back she can live with the stutter"
The doc turns to him and says,

" A d...d.d.d..d.dd..Deals a d...d.d..d.Deal, Sonny"

2007-04-15 13:53:16 · 18 answers · asked by Julian K 3

It's important to have back up job skills... A gynecologist had become fed
up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he
decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from
the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes,
attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the
practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for
weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want
to, appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if
there had been an error which needed adjusting."
The instructor said "during the exam, you took the engine apart
perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back
together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you
did all of it through the muffler."

2007-04-15 13:40:34 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Dial 999 Immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

2007-04-15 13:37:16 · 13 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Here is what I think.
1. Chuck Norris
2. Heart Disease
3. Cancer
4. Aids

What are your thoughts?

2007-04-15 13:31:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 gay men were walking around the zoo when they came accross a gay gorilla.

The gorilla grabbed one of the gay men pulled him in to the cage and made love to him for 6 hours non stop,when he was finished the gorilla threw the gay man out of the cage.

An ambulance was called and he went to hospital,after 2 days his gay friend visited him and said "are you hurt ?"am i hurt he said we made love for 6 hours ......he hasn't written,he hasn't phoned no flowers,of course i'm hurt".


lol star if good

2007-04-15 13:08:05 · 22 answers · asked by thewokinn 1

Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went.
She said, "I think I broke his gambling".
The father asked how and she said, "He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money."
"DAMN!" said the father.
"What's wrong?", the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, "This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!"

2007-04-15 13:06:22 · 14 answers · asked by bperez2002 3

first correct answer gets 10 points

This happens in 4% of children's photos with Santa.

2007-04-15 12:57:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

first correct answer gets ten points


This will happen to 20% of Christmas gifts this year...

2007-04-15 12:56:45 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st correct answer gets 10 points

85% of men and women put on music before having sex. But 5% have admitted to doing this before sex. What is it?

2007-04-15 12:55:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

2007-04-15 12:42:43 · 14 answers · asked by bperez2002 3