Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

2007-04-15 06:42:09 · 73 answers · asked by whiterapper 1

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted.

I was so shocked I swerved the car.

He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.

He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree.

The police came and asked me what had happened.

I said

"I careered off the road"

2007-04-15 06:19:46 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?" "Yep!" "Do I know her?" "Nope!" "This woman, is she good looking?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"

2007-04-15 06:15:15 · 14 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Lives only in winter and dies long before summer.
Try to hold it, your hand gets number.
It's foot is always up and nose is down
Pointy head growing toward the ground.

2007-04-15 06:12:55 · 8 answers · asked by Richard 7

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand Pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."

2007-04-15 06:10:38 · 26 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

2007-04-15 06:08:03 · 21 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

This riddle is older than your grandfather:

What shoemaker makes shoes without leather,
With all four elements put together,
Fire and Water, Earth and Air:
Every customer gets two pair?

2007-04-15 06:02:09 · 10 answers · asked by Richard 7

This is another classic one:

In marble walls as white as milk,
Lined with a skin as smooth as silk,
Within a fountain color clear.
A golden sphere doth there appear.
No doors are found in this stronghold,
Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.

2007-04-15 05:54:20 · 7 answers · asked by Richard 7

A quarter pounder with cheese. My girlfriend didnt get it! Not sure which is funnier....

2007-04-15 05:18:07 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-15 05:17:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A trucker goes into a wh0rehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I ain't h0rny, I'm homesick."

2007-04-15 05:11:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

suppose there r 1100 people sitting in circle n the first person has a sword n kills the second person and passes the sword to the third person who kills the fourth person this happens till 1099 th person kills the 1100th person.now the sword comes back to the first person who now kills the third person bcause second person is dead this continues till , just 1 person is alive. who is that person?

2007-04-15 04:05:30 · 8 answers · asked by samiksha 1

My uncle's coming into town soon and he always insults me (jokingly) about my hair. The only good one that I have is "What happened to your hair!? It looks like it migrated to your ears!" I really need some good ones, please help!

2007-04-15 03:23:11 · 11 answers · asked by mckenzy 2

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food." The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

2007-04-15 03:15:54 · 12 answers · asked by Matt B 1

A farmer had a brown cow and a white cow, and he wanted to get them bred, so he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and tell him when the bull was finished.

After a while the boy came into the living room where his father was talking to some friends.

"Say, Pop", said the boy.
"Yes", replied the father.
"The bull has just scr*wed the brown cow!".

There was a sudden silence in the conversation. The father asked his friends to excuse him for a moment, took his son outside and said:
"Son, you musn't use language like that, especially in front of company. You should say that the bull 'surprised' the cow. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull 'surprises' the white cow".

The father went back inside the house.
After a while the boy came back and said "Hey, Daddy!".
"Yes, son, did the bull 'surprise' the white cow"?

"He sure did, Pop! he scr*wed the brown cow again!"

2007-04-15 02:40:21 · 13 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

A pilot was flying his plane over the jungle.
His plane ran out of gas and he crashed landed it into the jungle.

He emerged from the plane battered and bloody.

He looked around to see a hundred pygmies looking angrily at him, chanting loudly and shaking their spears above their heads.

The pilot looked up to the heavens and said, "Oh, dear God, I'm ****ed now".

A voice replied from nowhere, "No. No you're not, not just yet. You still have time".

The pilot asked, "Who is that? Who are you?"

The voice replied, "It is I, God. Listen to me! Quickly, grab the spear from the nearest native and kill their chief. Quickly now, quickly!"

The pilot yanked a spear away from the nearest native, rushed the chief and shoved the spear through his heart. The chief dropped dead in a pool of blood.

The pilot proudly put his shoulders back and his chest out. He looked up to the heavens in triumph and asked, "What now, God?"

The voice replied, "Now? Well, now your ****ed!"

2007-04-15 02:39:53 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Imagine your a deer, your princing along-your thristy-you spot a little brook-you put your little cold lips down to the cold clear water- then BAM a F'N BULLET RIPS OFF PART OF YA HEAD!!!!!!

2007-04-15 02:32:26 · 10 answers · asked by LacBoi 2

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the centre of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of a sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky and say, “You will find no fish under that ice.”

The drunk looks around, but sees no one so he starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, “As I said before, there are no fish under the ice.”

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can’t see a single soul, so he picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. “I have warned you three times, now. There are no fish!”

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, “How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?”

“No,” the voice replies. “I am the manager of the ice rink.”

2007-04-15 02:18:57 · 7 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

Another classic.

2007-04-15 01:56:45 · 9 answers · asked by Richard 7

This is also a very old one.

2007-04-15 01:42:14 · 10 answers · asked by Richard 7

Young person walks up to counter and orders "cheeseburger and coke." Person behind counter announces, "This is a library." Young person apologizes and whispers "I would like a cheesburger and coke."

2007-04-15 01:38:02 · 14 answers · asked by James 4

A SMART BLOND, SANTA AND A BRUNETTE ALL JUMP OF A BUILDING AT THE SAME TIME WHO LANDS FIRST?

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the brunette because a smart blonde and santa don't exist

2007-04-15 01:29:08 · 33 answers · asked by chillin_in_england 1

Two of the funniest I have read are "I have heard that you can find naked ladies on the internet,is this true"? The other question was "Is it true that if you unscrew your belly button your bottom will drop off"?. I am sure there have been much funnier ones but they did make me smile.

2007-04-15 00:27:14 · 12 answers · asked by Julie 5

1)An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the last one, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
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2)Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
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3)"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had ten different jobs in four months."
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4)Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
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5)In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."
The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.
The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."
"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.
Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."
"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.
So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."
The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"
So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"
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6)When you hire people that are smarter than you are, you prove you are smarter than they are.
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7)The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer went in to try out for the job.
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."
"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"
"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."
"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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8)A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office."
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9)An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. "Tell me," inquired the interviewer, "where do you expect to be ten years from now?"
"Well, let's see," replied the student. "It's Wednesday afternoon. I guess I'll be on the golf course by now."
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10)The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a battleship coming down the street?"
The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

2007-04-14 23:27:58 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I wood luv ta no

2007-04-14 22:35:24 · 6 answers · asked by Dan 1

This is an old classic.

2007-04-14 21:52:42 · 7 answers · asked by Richard 7

It could be because he slipped on a banana peel.

2007-04-14 20:22:06 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where both people in the car had been killed.

As he looked at the wreckage a monkey came out of the brush along the side of the road, and then ran around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and held it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey smacked his lips together and made kissing sounds."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey nods his head "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before the car wreck."

Once again, the monkey nods his head "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

The monkey jumps up on the car seat.... grabs the steering wheel, and turns it from side-to-side.

2007-04-14 18:27:35 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2

IM A BLOND AND IM NOT STUPID

2007-04-14 17:51:34 · 15 answers · asked by Lillianna W 1

Then just follow these simple, short directions, and I promise you you'll laugh!!! I did!

--Go to Google.com


--Click on Maps.


--Click on Get Directions. (at the top)


--From: New York, New York


--To: London, England


--Click on Go


--And read line # 23.

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Told you you'd laugh :) ;)

2007-04-14 17:47:42 · 16 answers · asked by ? 2