Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Secretary: - Mr. President, Condoleeza Rice is here to see you.
George B. : - Good, send her in.
Secretary: - Yessir.
(Hangs up. Condi enters.)
Condoleeza: - Good morning, Mr. President.
George B. : - Oh Condoleeza, nice to see you. What's happening?
Condoleeza : - Well, Mr. President, I have the report here about the new leader in China.
George B. : - Great, Condi. Lay it on me.
Condoleeza : - Mr. President, Hu is the new leader of China.
George B. : - Well, that's what I want to know.
Condoleeza : - But that's what I'm telling you, Mr. President.
George B. : - Well, that's what I'm asking you, Condie. Who is the new leader of China?
Condoleeza : - Yes.
George B. : - I mean the fellow's name.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The guy in China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The new leader of China.
Condoleeza : - Hu.
George B. : - The Chinaman!
Condoleeza : - Hu is leading China, Mr. President.
George B. : - Whaddya' asking me for?
(cont..)

2007-04-13 23:46:08 · 13 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

2007-04-13 23:22:04 · 7 answers · asked by ari-pup 7

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."

2007-04-13 23:19:31 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly
irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how
horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could
have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his
friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so
terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did
you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife
in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the
gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse." How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "Could it
have been worse?"


"Well," replied Frank, "If it happened the night before, I`d
be dead now!"

2007-04-13 23:18:11 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is driving home, when
is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the
guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.


"Sir," the cop says. "Why do you have all those
knives?"

"They're for my juggling act," the man
says.

"I don't believe you," says the cop. "Prove
it." So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At
the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

"Man,"
says the first guy. "I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety
tests are hard."

2007-04-13 21:22:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

More riddles soon!

2007-04-13 18:28:47 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Angielaa 2

That has been one o fmy burning questions....

2007-04-13 18:27:00 · 4 answers · asked by Cutie with a booty! 1

What am I?
I'm one of the best things in the world but can be one of the worst. I can make you be great or horrible. I'm very good you just have to be firm with me. I'm not a machine though I work with the precison of a machine I have the heart of a human. You can teach me something good or bad, after a few lessons I will do it automaticly. What am I?

2007-04-13 17:24:09 · 17 answers · asked by chilibean 2

Bruce walks in to his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "Darling this is the pig i have sex with when you have a headache"
His wife who is lying in bed replies "I think you`ll find thats a sheep you idiot"
The man says "I think you`ll find i wasn`t talking to you"

2007-04-13 17:08:58 · 66 answers · asked by ruthiebaby 2

i just did!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-13 15:59:57 · 38 answers · asked by -Tacos-ArE-ShExXii- 1

John has ten horses but only nine stables as shown here. [] [] [] [] [] [] [] [] []
He has to fit the ten horses into nine stables.
How can he do that?

2007-04-13 15:58:55 · 5 answers · asked by Ho Say Liao 2

I havent,just curious if anybody has.

2007-04-13 15:56:15 · 14 answers · asked by r2d2rusk 2

A Polish man from Chicago married a Wisconsin girl after he had been in the
states a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got
along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We
don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: " No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: NO: " I'm always up before her."
LAWYER: " Is your wife a ******?"
POLE: " NO, she white."
LAWYER: " WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "SHE going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover."

2007-04-13 14:54:15 · 19 answers · asked by bperez2002 3

What is your favorite Chuck Norris Fact?

2007-04-13 14:33:06 · 7 answers · asked by mark s. 4

i need some good comebacks for some teenaged boys. funny ones that they wont be able to make one back or anything thing of as many as you can! please and thank you!!!

2007-04-13 14:30:23 · 17 answers · asked by verleybe 4

1) How do you get a giraff in the refridgerator?

2) How do you put an elephant in the refridgerator?

3) the lion king has called a meeting which every animal in the kingdom must attend, which animal does not attend this meeting?

4) you have to cross the alligator river (which is the home to hundreds of alligators) there is no means of transportation (such as a bridge, or a boat or a tree you can cut down) so how do you get across?

If you can answer all of these right first, then you're really smart, and if you already know the answers since you've heard it before, don't ruin it for everyone else!

2007-04-13 13:22:41 · 11 answers · asked by bumble bee 3

you can find us in darkness but never inlight
we are preasent in daytime but abseent at night
in the deepest of shadows,we hide in plain sght
WHAT AM I?

2007-04-13 13:14:45 · 13 answers · asked by Ciara M 3

A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back
tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?" Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death;
And, I don't know how to crochet.
Amen

2007-04-13 12:50:50 · 12 answers · asked by debrasearch 6

Yup posted before, but this is for a pal!

Time and children had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

2007-04-13 12:39:57 · 35 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-04-13 12:04:43 · 18 answers · asked by watchdog 1

Before passing sentence on the male prostitute the judge
asks does the defendant have anything to say.

He shouts from the dock F**k all your honour!

The judge said what

The clerk said "he said F**k all you honour"

The judge says dont be a stupid C**t I saw his lips move!

2007-04-13 11:46:18 · 14 answers · asked by vision of darkness 2

2007-04-13 11:35:44 · 33 answers · asked by Charlize 1

My host thinks I'm an irritation, a bother, a pain.
But he can't evict me, so I stay, remain.
Then one day I'm taken and ranked among my peers.
Can you guess just what I am? Then you might call me dear.

2007-04-13 11:32:26 · 13 answers · asked by danny261178 3

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday......

I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after
month, year after year, those payments!

I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there,
I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to
your Mama's house; you tell her that this is the last check she's ever
going to get from me, then I want you to come back here and tell me the
expression she had on her face."

So my baby girl took the check over to her mother. I was so anxious to
hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like. As my baby
girl walked through the door, I said, "Well now .... what did she have
to say?" "She told me to tell you that you ain't my Daddy.

2007-04-13 11:10:52 · 16 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

question speaks for itself people

2007-04-13 11:07:51 · 6 answers · asked by mjisbac23 2

i want to know

2007-04-13 10:55:03 · 40 answers · asked by ? 1

does that mean I won't either?

2007-04-13 10:48:11 · 40 answers · asked by Julie A 3

2 peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted.

2007-04-13 10:47:56 · 13 answers · asked by Courtney 5

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off (the ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on.) On your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed you are. In front of you ia a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are traveling the same spped as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

2007-04-13 10:43:50 · 14 answers · asked by Sparkles 4

So today's question: Find the Aussie 'Big Wave' Ads on Flicker.com. Which of the collections shown has 4 bottles displayed instead of 3?

2007-04-13 10:35:58 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous