Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Guy 1: I saw a matador yesterday, he said "What the matador said"
Guy 2: Oh really, What did he say?
Guy 1: He said: "What the matador said".
Guy 2: But what did he say?
Guy 1: HE SAID: "WHAT THE MATADOR SAID"!!
Guy 2: Oh right. But what did he say?
Guy 1: >.< - !

2007-04-11 10:45:07 · 13 answers · asked by --Lost in this world-- 3

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

"A man and a woman making l0ve in a park," the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees. "A man and a woman making l0ve in a boat."

He holds up the third picture. "A man and a woman making l0ve at the beach." This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making l0ve in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with s £ x."

And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."

2007-04-11 10:34:13 · 37 answers · asked by Tink 5

If a gum boil could boil oil,
How much oil, could a gum boil boil,
if a gum boil could boil oil,
How many b's in that?

2007-04-11 10:31:38 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

what is red and sits on the mantelpiece?

A miscarriage clock.....

2007-04-11 10:26:20 · 14 answers · asked by vision of darkness 2

about boys

2007-04-11 08:41:58 · 4 answers · asked by lisa h 1

Can we still be cousins?

2007-04-11 08:32:30 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here's the alpabet.

For example:

SARAH

S - Ari
A - ka
R - shi
A - ka
H - ri

Arikashikari


A- ka
B- tu
C- mi
D- te
E- ku
F- lu
G- ji
H- ri
I- ki
J- zu
K- me
L- ta
M- rin
N- to
O-mo
P- no
Q- ke
R- shi
S- ari
T- chi
U- do
V- ru
W-mei
X- na
Y- fu
Z- zi

2007-04-11 08:28:45 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pick a color and why :)
Thank you !!

2007-04-11 07:50:27 · 11 answers · asked by Mele Kai 6

Most of your friends know you are a fool.

2007-04-11 07:08:41 · 21 answers · asked by Loki 2

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.

The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.

Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says "$1,000."

The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

2007-04-11 07:00:53 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

The waitress slapped him and stormed off. His friend leaned over and said, “Mike, it’s pronounced ‘quiche’,”

2007-04-11 06:54:42 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was working in a bar a few years ago. We had a huge prank war going on, the day before my prank that ended the war, I filled up a 10 gallon pail half full of water and froze it. I live in Canada and it was about -25C that day. Kitchen wasn't allowed to leave their station so we got their pop for them. Andy asked me for a pepsi, 1st mistake. I told him we were out and had to go to the other bar to fill it for him. I filled a shot glass w/ tobasco, stuck a straw in it, then saran wrapped it shut and put it in the bottom of a tall glass and filled it with ice + pepsi; he chugged. When he went outside to eat some snow (couldn't drink water fast enough) he saw that I had frozen his car to the ground that morning with about 3 feet of snow, froze his windows/locks shut, tires to the ground, etc. 3 days it was there. Just as well because that frozen half pail of ice then got his keys in the middle and the rest frozen on top. I won the war, all employees were banned from pranks. HA!

2007-04-11 06:35:08 · 4 answers · asked by giacarangi_99 3

Playing with himself in the vestry, he gets caught by one of the choirboys.He pleads with the boy not to tell anyone, he offers to give him money.The boy explains that his parents would be suspicious if he suddenly got some unexplained money but as he was trying to sell his old bike, the vicar might buy it, at a good price of course.They both agreed a price of £200.
Later that week, the vicar was riding through the parish on his new purchase when one of the congregation stopped him.
"New bike vicar?"
"Yes."
"Oh, how much did it cost you?"
"£200."
"£200, for an old heap like that?..They must have seen you coming."

2007-04-11 05:16:16 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

little red riding hood was walking through the forest one day when she met the three little pigs."Beware!! The big bad wolf is waiting for" they said". Hes gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off! "little red riding hood carried on her way, and sure enough out jujmped the wolf," I've been waiting for you, im gonna pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties, and ride your little red socks off!!", very calmly, Little red riding hood took a gun out of her basket, and pointed it at the wolfs head. "No your not!!Wolfie babe! your gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties, and eat me like the story says!"

2007-04-11 04:59:15 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

Professor spends a lesson explaining to his class the involuntary reaction of certain muscles. At the end of his presentation on Involuntary Muscle Contraction, he begins asking questions to his class:

"Anabelle (who is sitting in front row attending to her nails), what is your ar**hole doing when you're having an orgasm?". Anabelle thinks long and hard for a moment, then answers:
"I'm not sure, but he's usually down at the Pub getting drunk!"

2007-04-11 04:47:21 · 7 answers · asked by QuoVadis? 2

So an Englishman, and Scotsman, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar together, and as chance would have it, three fruitflies fly over them and land in each of their pints.

The Englishman looks at his Boddingtons with utter discust. He promptly informs the bartender that a fly landed in his pint and that he'd like another.

The Scotsman nonchalantly scoops the fly out of his Belhaven with his fingers, tosses it aside, and resumes drinking his pint.

The Irishman turns red with rage, grabs the fly out of his pint of Guinness and starts shaking it hard shouting, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

2007-04-11 04:24:03 · 10 answers · asked by Retodd 3

2007-04-11 03:59:43 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".

2007-04-11 03:56:54 · 17 answers · asked by sweetthing82376 3

3 old ladies where sitting on a bench feeding the birds when a man in a long trench coat jumped out and flashed them.

Well all the old ladies had not seen such a thing in years,and their blood pressure goes through the roof.

The 1st old lady has a stroke.

The 2nd old lady lets out a gasp and also has a stroke.

However the 3rd old lady didn't have a stroke as she was sitting too far away and couldn't reach.

lol star if funny

2007-04-11 03:49:30 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.


************



*Sick Days*

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


************


*Personal Days*

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


************


*Toilet Use*

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.

After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy!

You are allowed to use the rest room only thrice a day and you have to swipe in and out from the toilet doors also.


************


*Lunch Break*

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a slim fast.


************


*Mails*

Don't read junk and forwarded mails.


************


Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,

All questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations,consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management.

2007-04-11 03:49:05 · 8 answers · asked by tinta 2

2007-04-11 03:44:42 · 15 answers · asked by pvswimmer007 1

The answer is an egg.

I don't undestand, if I was Bilbo Baggins Gollum would have eaten me already.

Can someone help me.

2007-04-11 03:13:37 · 8 answers · asked by flingebunt 7

2007-04-11 02:54:48 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Blonde Jokes >>


A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."

2007-04-11 02:49:03 · 24 answers · asked by Janey 3

i need some rite now regarding a cheating lieing abusive bf who i dumped alst week..but still feel sad...any words of wisdom guys

2007-04-11 02:48:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Female brain cell.
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell who by mistake happened to end up in a mans head she looked around nervously because it was all empty and quite.
"Hello?" she cried but no answer "is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder still no answer now thw female brain cell started to feel alone and yelled at the top of her vioce"HELLO IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" then she heard a faint voice from far away "we're down here"

2007-04-11 02:45:20 · 16 answers · asked by Quinn 4

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you. Personally I
would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running
the country.

1. Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your
head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area
code)

3. Multiply by 80

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer??????

2007-04-11 02:29:53 · 63 answers · asked by steven2008 2

Me,

THE WORLD'S GREATEST SEX MACHINE!

LOL

2007-04-11 00:28:04 · 27 answers · asked by Doodle 6

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

2007-04-10 23:12:43 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Alarge woman wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit. She pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink ". The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink"
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said "give the ballerina another drink".
the bartender approached the little drunk and said "I say old chap, its your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her ballerina?"
The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has to be a ballerina!"

2007-04-10 23:02:26 · 4 answers · asked by lonelyheart 1