Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

In the dead of summer a male fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot,
dry male fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh … if I go down three
inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh … if that fly goes down
three inches I can eat him.” There was a bear on the shore thinking. ”Gosh
… if that fly goes down three inches … that fish will jump for the
fly…and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing
to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly
goes down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I’ll shoot the bear and then have a
proper trophy.”

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but…I
can tell you there was more…
A wee mouse by the hunter’s foot was thinking, “Gosh… if that fly goes
down three inches…

2007-04-09 21:18:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hello, I'm a thief and I'm here to steal your heart
I only have three months to live...
If I followed you home, would you keep me?
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!
Are you religious? Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
Were you arrested earlier? Because it might be illegal to look that good.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away!
Pinch me. "Why?" You're so fine I must be dreaming.
Have you always been this cute or did you have to work at it?
Can I borrow a quarter? "What for?" I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
You see my friend over there? (Point to friend and friend waves back). He wants to know if you think I'm cute.
My name is milk and I can do your body good!
You're so sweet you put Hershey's out of business.
You know, you might have to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
If you stood in front of a mirror and held up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things.

2007-04-09 21:07:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

25 WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE GROWN UP

1. Your Houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having s*x in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6.00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the weather channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce, instead of "hook up" and "break up".

8. You go from 130 days of holiday time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up".

10. You're the one calling the police because those %@#!&* kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling s*x jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's Leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A £1.50 bottle of wine is no longer "Pretty Good $hit".

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to." replaces "I'm never gonna drink that much again!"

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh $hit, What The Hell Happened?"

BONUS:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old a*s.

2007-04-09 20:56:07 · 19 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

"Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

2007-04-09 20:52:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish Joke...".

The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers"

"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

2007-04-09 20:49:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

my friend kim, came up to me a few days ago and was tellin me about her experance she has on a horse. (kim is blonde) she tells me everything started out ok and all of a sudden the horse stared going faster and the sattle got lose and she slid around to the belly of the horse she tried to get him to stop but he just kept going faster and she kept blackin out cause she was hitting her head off the ground. i asked her how she got it to stop. and ya know what she told me. that the manager from wall mart unpluged it. go figure.

2007-04-09 20:41:13 · 9 answers · asked by Gina B 4

and says to him
"I can't see very far"
The optician takes him outside and says
"Look up in the sky and tell me what you see"
"The sun"
"Well how f*****g far do you wanna see!"

2007-04-09 20:31:56 · 10 answers · asked by Stacey A 2

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back."Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. I'm so embarrassed.....Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast.They have a wonderful, wonderful time.The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?""No," she replies........."Wait for it... (scroll down)It's coming... The suspense is killing you, isn't it? She says: "You just happened to catch my eye."

2007-04-09 20:29:58 · 12 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

2007-04-09 19:47:38 · 14 answers · asked by Fuck you Yahoo Answer Staff 3

all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

2007-04-09 19:30:29 · 8 answers · asked by ? 2

pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and registration please?"

"What's the problem, officer?"

"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."

"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".

"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution."

"You gotta be kidding me!"

"It's no joke, sir".

"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution."

"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and..."

"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?"

"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!"

"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop."

The police officer had enough, "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"

2007-04-09 18:38:48 · 18 answers · asked by ? 2

What does Bulwinkle call his facial hair?

a "moosetache"

I was sitting in the car and thought of that really cheesy joke but I thought it was a good one. I couldn't remember if I had heard it anywhere before or if I had actually come up with an original joke. Just let me know if you have heard of it before.

2007-04-09 16:08:45 · 11 answers · asked by Dustin G 1

?*?*?*?*?*?* [star thiz question plz!] :]]]]

2007-04-09 15:19:08 · 12 answers · asked by =) 3

I was called it while playing with myself in a coffin and now I am lucky to be a member of the skull and bones. Remember to vote for me again America don`t miss out on Iran and I recommend the pet goat story by the way its better when held upside down

2007-04-09 14:56:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is an easy 10 points for someone who knows what I refer to.

2007-04-09 14:51:32 · 6 answers · asked by molly 6

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, “Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?”

The patient calls back, “One moment!” and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter’s level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, “It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is.”

The man can’t help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, “That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?” The patient holds up his wrist and says, “I suppose I’d just look at my watch.”

2007-04-09 14:16:49 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mouse holding it's breath

2007-04-09 14:04:46 · 23 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

Who misses Cow and Chicken?

2007-04-09 13:17:30 · 6 answers · asked by dangelo h 5

Dr.Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt really guilty.
No matter how much he tried his sense of betrayal was overwhelming,
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal reassuring voice say 'Dave don't worry about it, You aren't the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be the last, and your single just let it go'
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality whispering, 'Dave your a f **** ng vet'

2007-04-09 11:58:07 · 39 answers · asked by baby_CSJ_ xxx 2

Step on the living they're silent and humble, Step on the dead they mutter and grumble. What are they?

2007-04-09 11:52:21 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Good Luck...Let me know how you do!

http://www.totallytricky.co.uk/1page/1page.php

2007-04-09 11:30:22 · 12 answers · asked by Atheism itself is your best shot at heaven !! 7

an elderly man buys some extra stong viagra from a man in the pub.

after taking a few, he realises they're having no effect. so he goes back to the pub and confronts the man.

"i want my money back" he says "those pills were useless"
"no can do" the man replies

"ok, i'll sue you" says the old man angrily...

"go ahead" the man smirks....
"but it wont stand up in court"

2007-04-09 11:28:20 · 22 answers · asked by amri 5

This is a joke I made up. you can insert anyone's name in the blank.

___________ is like the sun. If you stare at him/her too long you'll go blind.

2007-04-09 11:25:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?"

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

2007-04-09 11:17:04 · 15 answers · asked by CherrySunshine 3

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

2007-04-09 11:15:48 · 9 answers · asked by CherrySunshine 3

2007-04-09 10:44:37 · 38 answers · asked by OK 3

what is one thing u would take w/ u?

2007-04-09 10:43:35 · 29 answers · asked by sec_cogley 2

Three men are chatting in the pub and the conversation turned to children.

"We were going to call our son Gerald," said the first man, "but he was born on 23rd April so we called him George , after St. George."

"Well that's a coincidence," said the second man, "because our son was born on St. David's Day, so we called him David."

"Would you believe it!" exclaimed the Irishman, "The same thing happened with my son, Pancake!"

2007-04-09 10:28:45 · 30 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know the cat was dead" she asked her pupil. "Because I p *ssed in it's ear and it didn't move" answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT", the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know", explained the boy, "I leaned over and went Psst" and it didn't move.

2. A mother was 6 months pregnant with her 3rd child when her 3 year old came in to the room whilst she was getting ready to get into the shower. She said "Mummy, you are getting fat". "Yes honey, remember mummy has a baby growing in her tummy". "I know", she replied, "But what's growing in your bum?"

4.A little girl asked her mummy "Can I go outside and play with the boys ?" Her mother replied "No you can't play with the boys, they're too rough". The little girl thought about it for a few minutes and asked "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

2007-04-09 10:24:53 · 40 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

2007-04-09 10:15:24 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous