Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

How Do You Teach A Blonde Girl Math?





You Subtract her clothing

Divide her legs


and Square root her

2007-04-08 16:09:01 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-08 15:38:43 · 32 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

Pom and Spitz met in the park during their evening walk. After the introductory sniffings, Pom asked : What's your name?'

Spitz : Tommy. And yours?

Pom : Not sure. I think it is 'Down, boy'.

2007-04-08 15:21:19 · 14 answers · asked by Traveller 5

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

2007-04-08 15:12:17 · 28 answers · asked by Animal 5

Answer: You get a sucker born every minute. Happy Easter!

2007-04-08 14:58:51 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

i keep people on demand and i'm the bigest network who can't beat direct tv.

2007-04-08 14:57:31 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Equal to 2 billion bums who sniff crack in the whole freaking world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-08 14:53:52 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Give me a few minuites and I'll get hard, I just been laid by a chick.

2007-04-08 14:38:30 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

An 8-year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the
yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but
decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then
she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave
nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with
her mouth hanging open,eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you
ask this question honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a
couple of secs."

2007-04-08 14:01:26 · 23 answers · asked by Daniel 1

No cheating...You have to do this all in one flow as fast as possible...

A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk,
but the stump thunk the skunk stunk

2007-04-08 14:01:06 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Harry had a haircut,
he thrashed about the chair
to try to keep the barber
from removing any hair.

He kicked in agitation.
He bellyached and bawled.
He screeched and squawked and squabbled
and he cried and caterwauled.

He whined and wailed and whimpered,
He sniveled and complained.
He groused and griped and grumbled,
as he struggled and he strained.

His mother had to hold him.
The barber said a prayer,
then swiftly snipped and scissored
as he trimmed up Harry's hair.

The barber finished cutting.
He put his comb away
then got his little mirror out
to hear what Harry'd say.

When Harry saw the mirror,
he gave a little huff,
and said the thing he always says:
"You didn't cut enough!"
--Kenn Nesbitt

2007-04-08 13:35:52 · 8 answers · asked by xwhoaxbay-beex 2

2007-04-08 13:31:42 · 17 answers · asked by ronaldo5plus3 2

2007-04-08 13:24:34 · 42 answers · asked by ronaldo5plus3 2

2007-04-08 13:20:05 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-08 13:17:45 · 21 answers · asked by frank west 2

Billy and Lilly are simply bboring. Radio 2too sleep. Wow. Catch a wake up boys.

2007-04-08 13:04:51 · 3 answers · asked by macw2233 2

http://kuruc.info/reszletes.asp?MainID=22&HirID=2894

2007-04-08 12:25:46 · 9 answers · asked by amateurgrower 3

In conversation it came out that granpa had died while making love to gran, Lucy was horrified that two people in their 90's were still at it.
Gran explained we use to do it on sunday morning to the church bell's
in on the ding
out on the dong,
if it wasn't for that fu**ing icecream van,
he would still be alive today.

2007-04-08 12:22:58 · 29 answers · asked by BLING 4

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

2007-04-08 12:12:36 · 30 answers · asked by . 1

Murphy approached Mulligan's bar. On the step outside he was accosted by a nun, Sister Marie, who said:

'Surely a fine man like yourself is not going into this den of iniquity? Surely you're not going to waste your hard-earned cash on the devil's brew. Why don't you go home and feed and clothe your wife and children?'

'Hang on, Sisters,' spluttered Murphy. 'How can you condemn alcohol out of hand? Surely it's wrong to form such a rash judgement when you've never tasted the stuff?'

'Very well,' said Sister Marie. Till taste it just to prove my point. Obviously I can't go into the pub, so why don't you bring me some gin. Oh, and just to camouflage my intent, maybe you should bring it in a cup not a glass!'

'OK,' said Murphy and into the bar he breezed.

'I'll have a large gin,' he said to the barman. 'And can you put it in a cup?'

'My God,' said the barman, 'that nun's not outside again is she?'

2007-04-08 12:11:38 · 11 answers · asked by Erina♣Liszt's Girl 7

Father McGee walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.

'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'

'I'm God,' said the stranger.

'Pardon?'

'I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!'

Father McGee ran into the presbytery and, in total panic, rang the archbishop.

'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on me altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'

Take no chances,' said the archbishop. 'Get back in the church and look busy!'

2007-04-08 12:07:07 · 19 answers · asked by Erina♣Liszt's Girl 7

I found this in a newspaper article.

It was fun being a baby boomer, until now. Some of the 60s artists are revising their hit songs with new lyrics that accomodate the baby boomers.
They include:

1. Hermans Hermits- Mrs Brown, you've got a lovely walker.
2. The Bee Gees- How can you mend a broken hip?
3. Roberta Flack- The first time ever I forgot your face.
4. Johnny Nash- I cant see clearly now.
5. Paul Simon- Fifty ways to lose your liver.
6. Marvin Gaye- Heard it through the Grape Nuts.
7. Procol Harem- A whiter shade of hair.
8. Leo Sayer- You make me Feel like Napping.
9. The Temptations- Papa's got a Kidney Stone.
10. Abba- Denture Queen.
11. Tony Orlando- Knock 3 times on the ceiling if you hear me Fall.
12. Helen Reddy- I am Woman, hear me Snore.

2007-04-08 12:05:50 · 11 answers · asked by Maninblack 1

they would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleanned the stable, made a caserole, brought practical gifts andthere would be peace on earth,,,

2007-04-08 11:59:09 · 33 answers · asked by bubblez 2

The Pope is riding on an airplane doing a crossword puzzle and says to the guy next to him "I'm not sure about this one. What's a four letter word that means an aggravating older female relative and ends in UNT"? The guy says "Aunt"? The Pope says "Oh right. Do you have an eraser"?

2007-04-08 11:58:20 · 6 answers · asked by Commander 3

to add a laugh to your day? Here are some of my favorites....


1. Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

3. All men are idots....I married their king.

4. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

5. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

6. Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

7. Jesus is coming! Look busy!

8. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

9. Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

10. Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

11. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

12. Honk if you want to see my finger.

2007-04-08 11:56:37 · 6 answers · asked by Starscape 6

2 boys are playin 2gether. One asks the other so what'd you get for X-Mas?? The other replies wit a sad tone: not much my parents only got me a baseball a ball and a glove. how bout you?? The other boy says wit a smile oh i got a computer a bike a cellphone a train set and he goes on and on. His friend looks at him and intterupts him with a defensive voice: Yea well at least I dnt have leukemia!!

2007-04-08 11:55:04 · 6 answers · asked by NaDaKa 2

2007-04-08 11:33:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am Jesus - My death has saved all who do or will believe, and I am returned to show the Father's love and power."

"No, you're not Jesus, so bug off, you're scaring all the fish," answered the old fisherman.

"I see thou are full of doubt. What would thee have me do to show who I am?"

"Walk across the river," he tells Jesus.

So Jesus starts walking across the river. Next thing, he sinks and disappears under the water.

After he swims back to shore, the old man says to him, "There you are, see, you're not Jesus. You can't walk across water."

Jesus responds, Well, I used to be able to do it until I got these darned holes in my feet."

2007-04-08 10:15:23 · 8 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

A ninth-grade teacher wanted to demonstrate the evils of liquor to his young students. He produced a glass of water, a glass of vodka, and two worms.

"Now class, observe closely," he said as he dropped one of the worms into the glass of water. The worm wriggled about in the water, perfectly happy.

The teacher dropped the second worm into the glass of vodka. The worm swam around for a moment, then seized up and curled, quickly sinking to the bottom of the glass, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what can be learned from this experiment?" the teacher asked his students.

After a pause, a young man stood up and said, "Well, if you drink vodka, you'll never get worms."

2007-04-08 10:06:08 · 36 answers · asked by Jay A 3

a man walks into a pub and orders a pint, the bar man says to him i will give you 10 pints if you make the donkey laugh, so the man say ok, he goes in whispers something in the donkeys ear, the donkey laughs till he falls over,
impressed the barman says ok i will give you another 10 pints if you can make the donkey cry , so the man goes back in and makes the donkey cry.
impressed again the barman starts pouring the pints and asks the man how he did it. the man replies first i told the donkey my w*lly was bigger than his, then i showed him!!

i know its old but it still makes me laugh

2007-04-08 09:53:49 · 20 answers · asked by cazza 64 3