Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

The Birthday Wish

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be six again,"she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up, made her a nice Big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog,popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

2007-04-08 02:01:22 · 17 answers · asked by oo00dawn00oo 4

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joseph told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike!"

2007-04-07 23:38:42 · 8 answers · asked by Air Force guy 3

'Please Sir, may I use your bathroom for a few minutes. I've come over with a bad case of the runs and there is not a public loo around. In return I will give you some of my special salts.'
So he is shown upstairs and goes to the bathoom.
When he is done he thanks the homeowner and is making his way out when there is a scream upstairs from the bathroom.
The homeowner shouts ' what the **** have you done, there's poo everywhere, on the ceiling, on the walls, on the floor!! And where are my special salts??
The salesman replies ' you've already had them -
Somersaults

2007-04-07 22:54:59 · 8 answers · asked by First Ascent 4 Thistle 7

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

2007-04-07 21:29:53 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar… FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies “Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can’t make a face while doing it. Second, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth…you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there’s a woman up-stairs who’s never had an org**m. You gotta make things right for her.” The guy says, “Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won’t do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, “Wherez zat teeqeelah?”

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping,

2007-04-07 21:09:16 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

2007-04-07 20:28:32 · 11 answers · asked by I feel better 5

2007-04-07 20:01:05 · 27 answers · asked by I feel better 5

2007-04-07 19:55:16 · 13 answers · asked by fraz 4

Why doesn't anyone ever star my questions. I feel lonely desperate and unimportant.
Here's a joke!!!
A man once had a chicken. He loved that damn chicken. He'd do anything for it. He walked it, took it to the park.
He went to a theater and paid for a ticket.
"One please"
The cashier looked at the man and told him pets were not allowed.
"Sir, pets are not allowed. It's on our sign, sorry..."
The man walks away. He then stuffs the chicken in his pants and returns to the cashier.
"One, please".
He goes to the snack bar and gets a bag of popcorn and a soda. He then proceeds to the theater and sits down in his seat. Two ladies sit beside him and wait 4 the movie 2 start.
1 of the ladies notices something coming growing in the mans pants. She tells her friend to look and says, "Have you ever?!?" About 5 minutes later it happens again...she says
"Gertrude have you ever seen anything like that in your life?!"
"Yeah, Maude, but I've never seen 1 eat popcorn before

2007-04-07 18:59:03 · 12 answers · asked by ¸.•*´`*♥ ♥Melissa♥ ♥*´`*•.¸ 4

I would buy one in Hawaii and one where I live now.

2007-04-07 18:03:37 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-07 18:02:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know i have...

2007-04-07 17:58:44 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have but I didn't go through with it. Now that I look back, I am happy I did not because my life would of gotten hell of messed up.

2007-04-07 17:58:10 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I never have!

2007-04-07 17:57:05 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I've also been known to make a good point. What am I?

2007-04-07 16:39:13 · 10 answers · asked by Veruca Salt 6

Lady walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher for a turkey. Butcher looks in the cooler and brings out the last one he has.lady says "Thats a nice turkey, but do you have one a little bit bigger"? Butcher thinks to himself that the lady won't notice the different, so he puts the turkey back in the cooler and brings it out again and sets it on the counter. Lady says"O that's much better, but do you have one a little more plump".
butcher again puts the turkey back in the cooler and brings it right back out again and sets it on the counter. "How's this one", he asks. Lady says "perfect". Butcher says "Good, I'll wrap it up for you. Lady says "And I'll take the other Two also".

2007-04-07 16:09:15 · 11 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

2007-04-07 15:33:36 · 16 answers · asked by Jim M 4

where can I find one?

2007-04-07 15:26:47 · 4 answers · asked by yoya 1

2007-04-07 15:25:24 · 12 answers · asked by Naomi J 2

2007-04-07 15:09:04 · 11 answers · asked by N.Oboi 1

Some actual label instructions



1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY T O S S I N G OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY

2007-04-07 14:01:18 · 53 answers · asked by Tink 5

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. Thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. Cont...

2007-04-07 13:59:47 · 9 answers · asked by strawberry 4

A man is turning 80. His 3 kids want to do something really special for his birthday, so one decides to get him a prostitute. The prostitue knocks on his door one evening and he answers "What did I do to deserve this?!" She said, your kids wanted you to have a great birthday and hired me to give you SUPER SEX. Excited the man says "Ill take the soup".

2007-04-07 13:51:48 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just flew in from Vegas.

2007-04-07 13:43:12 · 4 answers · asked by beedaduck 3

DISCLAIMER!
~DON'T CONTINUE IF YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR~

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk. I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.

Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.

"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

2007-04-07 13:27:10 · 17 answers · asked by Pirate 3

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover. Quick jump out the window. My husband's home early!!

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun, the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running alongside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while, a small group of runners, which had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

"Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a c0nd0m when you run?"

"Nope.........just when it's raining."

2007-04-07 13:23:19 · 46 answers · asked by Tink 5

I have no clue what time to go to church for Easter!! The options are tonight at seven or tomorrow at seven AM nine AM or eleven AM. We have to make all or the food for tomorrow tomorrow and we haveto host the "easter egg hunt" for the kids!!HELP!!!

2007-04-07 12:51:29 · 3 answers · asked by scott1330 2

It all makes sense now


We should have noticed:
IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!. I just never looked at it this way before:

MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
and when we have real trouble, it's a... HIStorectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?

Oooh I`m hanging my head!

2007-04-07 12:47:40 · 33 answers · asked by Tink 5

Sleeping at work


Ten Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." And the best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head from the desk and say " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

2007-04-07 12:30:27 · 35 answers · asked by Tink 5

Cyber Dad


Son: Dad, How was I born?"

Dad: "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on
yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a
download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us
had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button,
nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said:
You've Got a Male!

2007-04-07 12:12:54 · 21 answers · asked by Tink 5