Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"

The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."

But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.

The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."

2007-04-11 21:22:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman did not hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed..."

2007-04-11 19:24:14 · 15 answers · asked by JoJi 4

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs stood a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

enjoy..:-)

2007-04-11 16:05:33 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am small but strong
I am red and black
I carry 5 X's my body weight
I can travel for hours and still not reach my destination
I am a hard worker
What am

2007-04-11 15:54:46 · 28 answers · asked by kaylaz1978 2

Golden treasures I contain,
Guarded by hundreds and thousands.
Stored in a labyrinth where no man walks,
Yet men come often to seize my gold.
By smoke I am over come and robbed,
Then left to build my treasure anew. What am i?

2007-04-11 15:53:37 · 35 answers · asked by pollywollydoda 3

2007-04-11 15:42:51 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a really neat joke. look at the words really closely.

2007-04-11 15:40:32 · 21 answers · asked by scott_lmx 1

...how would u react if I sliced off ur bra & panties just as you were running home?

2007-04-11 14:58:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

English man, scotish man, and a irish man, there driving through the desert. all of a suddon there car breaks down and rather then wait int he sun they decide to walk.

the english man decides he'll take the water so if they get thirsty they can drink
the scotish man takes soem food so if they get hungry they can eat.
the irish man starts rips the door off.
the english and scotish guy look at each other and ask, 'why you taking the door' old paddy says 'if it gets hot we can open the window!'

2007-04-11 14:48:22 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Walked into a wall,


Animal twice when drunk and cut head

2007-04-11 14:35:20 · 21 answers · asked by Animal 5

2007-04-11 14:30:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

www.adultdating.com
your dating ad has been on
our website for 19 weeks now
without any reply. do you want us to
try 1 week without a picture?

2007-04-11 14:25:45 · 19 answers · asked by dizzydi 4

I think as my daddy did a good job of ruining America as i have after him. I should be King so my children can do the same kind of progress .and we wont have to fix elections anymore making American all the more free

2007-04-11 14:21:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dyslexic bloke gets invited to a 'Roman-style' fancy dress party. Took him ages but he eventually turned up with a goat.

Man goes to a fancy dress party with a c*n d*m stuck on the middle of his face. Someone asks him "What are you sposed to be?"
He says "F**k knows".

2007-04-11 13:51:52 · 10 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

A woman goes into a bar and starts ordering Budweisers. She drinks them all night long, and by closing time, she is really hammered. Then she proposes having sex with every guy still left in the bar. She goes in the back room and takes care of all of them.
The next day, she shows up at the bar again and starts ordering Budweisers again. Everyone wonders what she's gonna do at closing time - this time there are twice as many guys who stay around. And at closing time, she does the same thing.
The next day she comes in the bar, starts ordering Budweisers again, and by now the word has gotten around. By closing time the bar is still packed, and at closing time, she goes in the back room again. Takes everyone on.
The very next day, she comes back into the bar, sits at the same stool, but this time orders Coors beer. The bartender asked her, "You mean you don't want a Budweiser?"
She says, "No, those things really make my p***y hurt.

2007-04-11 13:49:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I
have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her
and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax'.
'Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then'
He sighed.........
'Let's put all the Frosties back in the box.'

2007-04-11 13:48:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Drowning Man.
Theres a man drowning. A boat comes up and the person says "Are you alright?Wanna Come with me?" But the man replies "No God will save me." A second boat comes up and asks the same thing.
He replies "No God will save me." He dies from drowning and once he gets to heaven and asks God"Why didnt you save me?"God replies"I sent 2 boats for you Idiot".
Whos the Idiot?
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,"
Said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!" inquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well actually I don't," said the student,
"but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

2007-04-11 13:30:21 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?". Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good." He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good." They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife." She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

2007-04-11 13:06:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman sought the advice of a $ex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly. "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet," counselled the therapist. So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon. When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

2007-04-11 13:06:08 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, "I love a woman that does aerobics." The woman replies angrily, "I don't DO aerobics!" The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, "Then how did you get your leg up so high?"

2007-04-11 13:03:31 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor. "Well," the man admitted, " I think my wife
now has it too."

"Son of a *****!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

2007-04-11 13:02:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The pretty co-ed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

"Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

2007-04-11 13:00:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

2007-04-11 12:43:44 · 21 answers · asked by sweetthing82376 3

Italian guy "wen I finish makin aluv 2 my girlafriend, I go down and a gently tickle the back of her knees. She floats 6 inc above da bed in ecstasy!"

Frenchman "Zat is nothing, wen I finish with ze girl, I kiss her all the way down her body & zen lick ze soles of ze feet 1 She floats 12 inches of ze bed in ecstasy!2

Welshman. " That's nothing, When I finish riding me bird I get out of bed and wipe my k**b in the curtains & she hits the f*****G Roof!!!!!

2007-04-11 12:04:31 · 18 answers · asked by Tyanna-Daisy 5

He sticks the pin into the other inflatable boys. Then he sticks it into the inflatable headmaster.
He then sticks the pin into the wall of the school.
Then with a final whoosh, he sticks the pin into himself.
The next day, he's called in to see the headmaster, who tells him:
"You let me down, you let yourself and the other pupils down, but worst of all, you let the whole school down."

2007-04-11 12:03:49 · 16 answers · asked by Dingbat O'Giddy 2

=We got off the Titanic first.
=We can cry and get off speeding fines.
=Taxis stop for us.
=Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
=We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
=Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
=New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
=If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
=Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
=There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
=We'll never regret piercing our ears.
=We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
= We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

2007-04-11 12:00:34 · 9 answers · asked by Alicia 3

For starters, I'm sorry to offend any blondes reading this. If you can't take a joke, please leave now. (This note goes for ALL riddles and jokes readers, too.)

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!"

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited. After waiting for so long in the car, the blonde bursts out of the bank's doors, the alarm blaring loud enough to wake everyone up. The blonde was lugging a bank safe behind her by a rope tied around it. A security guard ran out of the bank, his pants down around his ankles and attempting to reach his gun. The blonde breathed heavily as she tried to put the safe in the car but finally just gave up and dropped the safe behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut, the car already moving. The security guard yelled, "Stop! Stop!" while the pair drove off, leaving the safe with rope tied tightly around it behind.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, "What the hell happened in there?!?" The blonde was panting and turned to the brunette and choked out, "What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!" The brunette paused and yelled, "YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!"

2007-04-11 12:00:27 · 8 answers · asked by Gamer_Nikko™ 4

A couple, married for 40 forty years, are revisiting the places they went to on their honeymoon. As they drove through the countryside they pass a ranch surrounded ay a deer fence. The wife says, 'Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did right here forty years ago.'
So the couple get out of the car and make frantic love against the fence.
Back in the car the husband says, "Darling, you went crazy out there! You sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since!"
The wife replies, "Yeah? Well, forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified.

2007-04-11 11:47:22 · 36 answers · asked by Anonymous

a farmer was taking a fox a chicken and a bag of grain to another field one day, but had to cross a river going through his field to get there. when he reached the river his boat had a hole in it so he could only take one thing with him on each trip. so how did he do it, cause if he took the grain first the fox would eat the chicken and if he brought the fox first the chicken would eat the grain. and then he has the same problem when he leaves them on the other side together. how did he do it?

2007-04-11 11:36:48 · 16 answers · asked by Edel B 2

2007-04-11 10:45:14 · 12 answers · asked by mqs198223 1