Is this a good point about America?

Question

To the citizens of the United States of America:-
In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at
just how incorrect your pronunciation has been. The letter 'U' will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U" is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix
”burgh” is pronounced “burra”, as in Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell
Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with
bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire etc..
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf"
will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience
who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through. 6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders
may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for
a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nonces). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by
2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start
driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though
97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are
not aware of a country called Belgium.
Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", with the exception of the
product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as
manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold
without risk of confusion.

From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2008) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Answer 1

Couldn't get a date again???

Answer 2

I'm am red-white-and blue through and through...I love my country, we work with what we have.

If I had the time (and leisure) to reply to this with a properly American worded response, I would. But we have lives...most of us. ; ) It would take half the space you used. On the other hand, I could use some of the verboten words but then, I'd just prove I could spell verboten.

Tell you what? How about I decline sweetly to the Order, and move on to giving you the star and 10/10 points, because you're brilliant, and you--being a smart cookie and so much more...make this nasty bit of a communique' ......disappear?

A short trip to a long ocean, some string , a rock, and a good pitching arm would take care of everything. Set things to right, I think you would say.

Hurry! the reading public will be awake in a few hours, and if that stone hasn't sunk ( I don't mean the 'can be found again' type, my plan will be. And if..

You know what? I am going to bed and plan to sleep the sleep of one who has done her civic duty. And I trust the notice will be shredded, burned, put in a paper bag that has a few small holes beginning to show, then will be taken to the ocean, and accompanied to the ocean with a piece of string, and will be in said ocean by the time I get up. Far from shore. Do you own a boat? Have a crane for the boulder? You need a ship, something huge, then you could tie the string to the boulder, and the crane could drop the boulder..but if the boulder falls on the bag...got some tape? Tape the rock to the boulder...wait...tape the rag....Stop. Take the paper, shred it, burn it, burn that, burn that, take your burning flames to a secluded area near the ocean. A small beach pail will do. Drop in the bag and string. Discard the rock. Once you have a good fire going, put in flames and all, stir thrice. Take the thrice again stirred contents of the small beach pail and throw that, flames and all, into the ocean. If you hit a swimmer run, but he won't chase because he won't understand why some clown is out at night throwing small buckets of fire in to the ocean.

I'm done. You are a true genius, and my hat is off to you. Enjoy the 10/10 virtual points, and the star...You earned it. Whew! Did I mention that it was also funny as heck?
sorry. Got caught up and forgot to tell you.

In case I didn't say so that is one NICE piece of work. Funny!

Answer 3

Sorry I didnt read that but well done for typing it alll
And to stickymongoose calm down dude theres no need to get all angry just because one person says something bad about your country doesn't mean you have to go insulting are country(looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed)

Answer 4

If you want to be heard. Hiding under a False Identity and Preaching to others is not going to get you anywhere. Definitely not on this site either..

Answer 5

As far as the election goes, W never got elected, he kind of arranged it to look like he won in 2000, and ditto in '04.

But do we have to submit to the English dental plan?

Answer 6

You have way too much time on your hands, don't you?

Although, having said that, I think your list of demands are excellent. The only problem in with the first part. You are mistaken in saying they failed to elect a proper President. They voted & elected Al Gore (a much better choice all round), their failure was in allowing themselves to be manipulated into by-passing him.
I believe Al Gore would have made an excellent President.

Answer 7

LOL, a good bit of cheek. All rubbish of course but cheeky.

But I wonder who REALLY wrote it? I have a pretty strong feeling it was nicked off some web site.

Answer 8

Hahaha, go eat some crumpets, you freaking loser. And don't insult our President. He's a heck of a lot better than that tool Tony Blair. Oh, and to the 99.5% of England that still thinks it's better than anyone else, wake up already! Your country sucks!

Answer 9

might makes right. couldn't happen even if the queen broke out her magic fierey sword.

Answer 10

that cannot happen because we amercans will get bored before reading all of that i read 2 sentences then i was bored so shut up

Answer 11

Nice idea - I like it! Two problems though - 1, will this stop the US trying to run the world still?? and 2, what if we don't want to have America in the Commonwealth? ;)