Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

Well, is it???????????

2007-04-05 03:50:00 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

About my weirdest one is....

I was 12 and madly in love with this girl (A). We lived in a small town, not many people. 23 years later I had moved to another country (in africa) where I was the boyfriend of girl (B). It turns out girl B's brother had married girl A in Euroupe.
What's the odds? 3 countries, 2 continents and years apart.

2007-04-05 03:24:07 · 5 answers · asked by PsiKnight9 3

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Wearing your new lingerie only once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

2007-04-05 03:01:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man's wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her looks years younger. She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the "miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, mmmm, eighteen. Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!" gushed the wife.

"Well, hang on," he replied, "I'm not done adding it up yet."

2007-04-05 02:59:19 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maternity leave would last two years...with full pay!

There'd be a cure for stretch marks.

Natural childbirth would become obsolete. {Eg: You want me to push this through WHAT?!!}

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's No. 1 health problem.

All methods of birth control would be improved to 100% effectiveness.

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet-trained and over the "Terrible Twos."

2007-04-05 02:56:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you Might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston

After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to
continue and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel
and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk Clerk; hands them a bill
for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth
$350.00.

When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists
on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the
hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes
on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the
hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and
Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to
pay.

He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says,
"this check is only made out for $50.00."

"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with
my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."

2007-04-05 02:56:40 · 8 answers · asked by Invisible Pink RN 7

Friends of ours invited me and my wife out to dinner.

Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.

On the way home though, even the defrosters at full force wouldn't keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.

"Awwwww come on." I said. "It wasn't that bad."

"Your ordering didn't help matters." she said, fuming.

"What?" I replied. "I only ordered a dozen oysters."

"ONE AT A TIME?!?!?!" she yelled.

2007-04-05 02:55:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

........ and sat down, ordered a beer and sat and drank it and he heard a voice. "Nice tie." Nobody was there except him and the bartender. "Really cool shirt, too." He thought he must be losing his mind. "I like your hair that way." He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
Bartender says, "Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."

2007-04-05 02:41:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

man was in a long line at Wal-Mart As he got to the register he
realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5.

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did. She gave him a quick feel,

2007-04-05 02:39:00 · 11 answers · asked by Invisible Pink RN 7

An unhappy wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.

So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

2007-04-05 00:12:08 · 30 answers · asked by Erina♣Liszt's Girl 7

:(((((((((((((

2007-04-04 21:28:02 · 5 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

2007-04-04 20:34:06 · 17 answers · asked by tiffywiffy 3

2007-04-04 20:22:58 · 24 answers · asked by Mr N 5

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?."

2007-04-04 19:14:32 · 6 answers · asked by Dr. Angel Priya 1

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits ." All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?"
"Eventually," said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!"

2007-04-04 18:43:35 · 11 answers · asked by Dr. Angel Priya 1

2007-04-04 18:23:56 · 6 answers · asked by Giggly Giraffe 7

because it's too tall. How do you get it out?

2007-04-04 18:00:17 · 6 answers · asked by strawberry 4

some kids. He comes back in and asks, "Grandma, my friends were talking about when people go to sleep someone sleeps on the bottom and the other person sleeps on the top, what is that?" So Grandma thinks it is an appropriate time to teach him about life and says, "Well, son, this is called sex..." (and proceeds to explain). The boy goes back outside and in a few minutes comes back in; "Grandma, what you said is not true! It's called a bunkbed. And by the way, Joe's mother wants to talk to you."

2007-04-04 17:27:09 · 7 answers · asked by strawberry 4

ok so my friend told this to me the other day and im really stumped....

There's a guy in a room, and he dies. What happened?

2007-04-04 15:52:28 · 16 answers · asked by jugglin247 1

Yes. This makes no sense.
I know that.


That's why I want you to give me advice on how to solve this situation.
Hint: The most creative anser wins. And I love the word "picaresque". It's a very creative word...

2007-04-04 14:32:16 · 16 answers · asked by cheesey 2

2007-04-04 14:31:00 · 10 answers · asked by Sparkles 4

They are going to tell you anyway whether you ask them or not.

2007-04-04 14:21:36 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Down one road is the Truth Tellers Village. Down the other is th Liars Village. People from the Truth Village can ONLY tell the truth as in Liars Village can ONLY lie.There is a man sitting in the fork.You don't know what village he comes from. What is the one question you can ask him to find which was is to the Truth Tellers Village? (Remember,you don't know if he is telling the truth or not.)

2007-04-04 13:28:15 · 22 answers · asked by nil_queen 3

:D

2007-04-04 12:50:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-04 12:47:24 · 20 answers · asked by Aarron B 1

My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $ ? in dog money.

2007-04-04 12:38:35 · 15 answers · asked by kenmauiphoto 5

2007-04-04 12:37:23 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-04-04 12:26:14 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I know this is stupid, but just try it. My brothers do it all the time. You can say something funny, angry, sad, or really happy, or something just plain random. Here's mine: Red isn't just a color, it's the best color.....

2007-04-04 12:18:06 · 66 answers · asked by Anonymous

Eh? Mine's Emo Philips

2007-04-04 12:16:39 · 25 answers · asked by sgt. pepper 3