Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

A woman with no arms or legs was lying on the beach
This man was passing and he heard her going "ahhhh"
so he said " what's wrong"
"well ive never been hugged by a man"
so he went and gave her a hug.
As he was leaving he heard "ahhhhh"
"what's wrong"
"well ive never been kissed by a man"
So he went up and gave her a kiss
As he was leaving he heard "ahhhhh"
"what's wrong now"
" Well ive never been fu**ed by a man"
The man thought about this and said
"well you're fu**ed now here comes a wave"

2007-04-04 03:23:59 · 10 answers · asked by Winkwnink 4

The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

2007-04-04 03:08:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Who do you think was reading the f*****g map?

2007-04-04 03:03:24 · 9 answers · asked by Tonio 2

An Australian is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.


The Australian ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You Australian folk eat the whole bread??"

Australian (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia."


The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Australian listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat j am with the bread??"

Australian "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Australia ."

After a moment of silence, The Australian then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Australian "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Australian: "We don't. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."

2007-04-04 02:09:18 · 10 answers · asked by efm 3

2007-04-04 01:51:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob monkhouse joke , had to repeat it after i heard it:

we have the french all smug in our faces each day, they go on about all their conquests in bed
*french voice* oh, in france we 'ave 8 packs of condoms, one for each day of ze week and two for sundayz!
and the germans, ugh..
*german voice* oh ja? well we habe 10 packs in germany, one for each day of the week, and two for our long weekends.
but you know what? ladies and gentlemen! the grand 12 pack was designed for thetrue englishman! thats right!
we have :
January!... February!... hmm..
then again we also have the 4 pack.. Spring....Summer..

2007-04-04 01:50:12 · 10 answers · asked by §ilver 5

2007-04-04 01:44:01 · 13 answers · asked by Mel 1

2007-04-03 21:24:42 · 11 answers · asked by its just a joke 3

A gynecologist desides to change careers and wants to be a mechanic but he gets his test results back and finds that he has150% on his test score. Now very confused he goes to the guy that gave him the score and asks, "I dont mean to sound ungreatful or anything but how does one get 150%?"
The guy answeres" Well I gave you 50% for taking the engine apart,and 50% for putting it perfectly back togerther again< and another 50% for doing all that throughthe exaughst!"

2007-04-03 19:48:27 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is a raddile for you, lets see if you can answer...

2007-04-03 16:51:10 · 12 answers · asked by marianchka101 2

so there are a groups of scientist walking in the arctic, one strays off into a cave, and comes out yelling that he's found adam and eve encased in ice......his colleagues check it out, and sure enough there they are, frozen together...how does the first scientist KNOW that he's found adam and eve???

2007-04-03 16:34:51 · 11 answers · asked by albwa2smart 2

You all know how the number counts go, right!
Single
Double
Triple
Quadruple...etc
Can someone name as many as they can up to 10 cause i cant think past 4.

2007-04-03 16:15:55 · 5 answers · asked by Ms* Shae* 3

2007-04-03 16:09:35 · 13 answers · asked by Edward 1

'Mummy, Mummy. I was at the playground and Daddy and...' Mummy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the stop, so Little Johnny tells her.

'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

`I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy'

At this point Mummy cut him off and says, Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table, Mummy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat and '... then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.'

2007-04-03 15:32:53 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman left on Sunday to go to the market, leaving her husband alone. When she returned a few hours later she found her husband dead. Who killed him? The butler who said he was walking the dog? The Cook who said he was chopping onions? Or the Maid who said she was getting the mail?

2007-04-03 15:26:55 · 15 answers · asked by squirm325 2

Can't figure out how it all started...its funny though. Paste link to hear it and info too.

Thanx

2007-04-03 14:18:59 · 5 answers · asked by ♥PurePoison♥ 3

We are very little creatures;
all of us with different features.
One of us in glass is set,
one of us you'll find in jet.
Another you may find in tin,
another is boxed within.
If the fifth you should pursue,
it can never fly from you



do you know the answer?

2007-04-03 14:05:26 · 10 answers · asked by athena_061190 2

Due to rumors that there is a world shortage, people have started hoarding packs of razors. By the time I reached the supermarket, there were no packs left. However, the two people who checked out ahead of me had bought 3 packs and 5 packs respectively and they offered to share them with me so that we each took home the same number of razors. I paid them $8.

How did they divide the $8?

2007-04-03 13:57:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

THIS IS IN THE JOKES AND RIDDLES SECTION SO I CAN GET MORE ANSWERS please do not get angry because i realy want to know.

2007-04-03 13:21:34 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

do u know?

2007-04-03 13:19:52 · 12 answers · asked by Jessica 1

2007-04-03 13:18:03 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

my head feels like it got hit by a train...

2007-04-03 13:16:09 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A GIRLS 1ST TIME

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him ;more room for an easy entrance.You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses ;closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

2007-04-03 13:12:00 · 9 answers · asked by rOxY 3

U throw away the outside and cook the inside.Then you eat the outside but you throw away the inside.What did u just eat?

2007-04-03 12:54:11 · 15 answers · asked by qwertyuiop 1

2007-04-03 12:45:36 · 3 answers · asked by tyra w 1

saw it on scrubs and couldn't think of an answer to it

2007-04-03 12:40:06 · 26 answers · asked by Ramon G 1

Can't you see the hair on IT'S upper lip?
billy would do it with anything!!!!

2007-04-03 12:09:04 · 4 answers · asked by ahhacowpie 1

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says
his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens
the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the
homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" "No, get
lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the
door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says
"Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down
in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter
and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What
would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk." says the husband.

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be
the right thing to do."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He
opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

2007-04-03 11:43:41 · 13 answers · asked by ಌg0rGe0uSಌ 3

Little paper bag.?
A little paper bag was feeling ill and so off he went to the doctors.
Well the Doc did some blood tests and said i'm afraid you are HIV positive.
I can't be i'm just a little paper bag
Well have you been having unprotected sex
No I'm just a little paper bag
Well have you shared needles
No I'm just a little paper bag
Are you a homosexual
No I'm just a little paper bag
well in that case said the Doc
wait for it........................
.................................
.................................
.................................
your mother must be a carrier.......

2007-04-03 11:37:55 · 12 answers · asked by chris w. 7

A man comes home from work to find his girlfriend with the dresser drawer open, putting her clothes in a suitcase on the bed.
He asks her, 'What are you doing?'
She replies, 'I'm leaving you!'
'Why?'
'Because your nothing but an old pedophile!'
'Pedophile? That's a pretty big word for a nine year old.'

2007-04-03 11:28:04 · 13 answers · asked by gav 4