Jokes & Riddles - April 2007

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one
Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you
been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly.
It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

2007-04-04 08:18:36 · 8 answers · asked by Josh M 2

is still alive."

2007-04-04 08:14:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

HELLLPPP!

2007-04-04 08:13:07 · 11 answers · asked by KaylaF 2

2007-04-04 08:11:49 · 16 answers · asked by Ghostly Ghost! 3

Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched
straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is
excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants
a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll
have to
drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your
clothes.
Because
of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort
the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to
satisfy
her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
The salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bulls****in' me!"
The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

2007-04-04 08:07:48 · 23 answers · asked by ? 2

What did JFK Senior say to JFK Jr. when he met him in heaven???








You needed that plane crash like I needed a hole in the head!

2007-04-04 08:06:52 · 15 answers · asked by Ghostly Ghost! 3

Don't look up the answers


First right wins

2007-04-04 08:01:09 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

(continued in details)

2007-04-04 07:35:28 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

ready to have a blood sample taken from his finger. The nurse pricks his finger, takes the sample and notices that she is all out of cotton. Thinking quickly she begins to suck his finger to stop the bleeding.

The man surprised smiles, he looks at her and says "You know, i'm also here for a urine sample"

;O)

2007-04-04 07:27:00 · 14 answers · asked by ☆Karma☆ 6

the PGA tour!!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAH!

2007-04-04 07:23:52 · 13 answers · asked by Ski Bum 1

ok so there is a blonde that works at the m&m factory. she was the one that checked to make sure that they all had a m and she had to through away all the ones that are not m's. now...

...why did she get fried from her job?

2007-04-04 07:13:19 · 10 answers · asked by sexy_cutie_pie1256 1

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...
who lives with a female roommate Maria...

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how pretty Anthony’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Reading his moms thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.
You don’t suppose she took it, do you?"
Well, I doubt it, but Ill e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote;



Dear Momma,
I’m not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my
house, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take it. But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
Anthony



Several days later, Anthony received an e-mail from

his Momma which read.......



Dear Son,
I’m not saying that you do sleep with Maria, and I’m not
saying that you don’t sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar
bowl by now.

Love,
Momma.

2007-04-04 07:03:37 · 11 answers · asked by tiffywiffy 3

An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"

Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Britain ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"

Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chukling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Britain ."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In Britain , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into
bubble-gum and sell them to France

2007-04-04 07:03:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

tourist, the man says well let me show you a trick. he proceeds to jump out of the window and float around, before coming back in the window. Amazed the tourist asks "How did you do that?" The man replies well, the buildings are so close here that the wind causes an uplift which allows you to float around temporarily. "That's great" replies the tourist "can I have a go?" Be my guest the man says. The tourist jumps out of the window and falls to his death on the pavement. The barman walks over to the man who explained the trick and says

"Oh Superman, you b******!"

2007-04-04 06:44:00 · 17 answers · asked by Doodle 6

..Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

..Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

..Bike helmets.
They're good in emergencies but usually just look silly.

..Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

..Copiers.
You need them in reproduction but that's about it.

..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at it but not all that bright.

..Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

..High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

..Curling irons.
They're always hot and always in your hair.

..Mini skirts.
If your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

..Handguns.
Keep one around long enough and your gonna want to shoot it.

..Floor tiles.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

..Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

..Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

2007-04-04 06:42:00 · 35 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up...

Your life aint that bad

2007-04-04 06:38:10 · 9 answers · asked by tiffywiffy 3

...and 10 teeth?

2007-04-04 06:34:50 · 5 answers · asked by GrumpyLumpkin 1

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

2007-04-04 06:25:27 · 21 answers · asked by Erina♣Liszt's Girl 7

little girl walks into a pet shop and says to the shopkeeper
"dwo wu av wany widdle wabbits pwease", the shopkeepers heart sinks and replies in a babyish voice "well we av widdle bwown ones,bwown with white spwots,an a widdle white one", she whispers in his ear "i dwont fwink mi pwython gives a s**t"

2007-04-04 06:20:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just want to know.

2007-04-04 06:02:03 · 23 answers · asked by dahuckinator 3

.... the bartender says, "What is this some kinda joke?"

2007-04-04 05:41:43 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was feeling a bit lonely and decided life would be more fun if I had

> a
> pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to
buy
> an unusual pet.
> After a long discussion, I finally bought a Centipede, which came in a
> little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, found

> a
> good spot in the garden for it, and decided that to celebrate, I'd
take
> my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
>
>
> So, I knelt down and asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like
to
> go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" . But there was no
> answer.
> This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him
> again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?".
> But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I
waited
> a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
> I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up
> against
> the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to
> go
> to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?"
> A little voice came out of the box:
...................................
>
>
> "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f****ng shoes on."
>
>

2007-04-04 05:16:56 · 11 answers · asked by besitos2610 5

Showing off his new appartment one night to his pals the drunk student walked them in to a room where there was a big brass gong.

One of his friends askes "whats the gong for ?"

" Thats not a gong it's a talking clock" he replied.

Looking a bit confused they ask how it works,so the drunk picks up a big hammer and hits the gong as hard as he could.

They all stand quietly looking at each other for a moment when all of a sudden a voice from the next appartment shouts "hey be quiet you jerk it's it's three thirty in the damn morning."

star if funny

2007-04-04 04:51:30 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

:P

2007-04-04 04:51:01 · 12 answers · asked by Martin M 3

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their *** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?" No Loser, I paid Rs.125 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

2007-04-04 04:40:32 · 9 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4

Why didn't the teddy bear eat all of her dessert?
Get it right u'll get best answer

2007-04-04 04:31:42 · 9 answers · asked by Nique 2

How do you make a duck famous?

Put him in the microwave until he's Bill Withers.

2007-04-04 04:23:30 · 12 answers · asked by heckler 1

The leader of the women tells them they can do anything they want on the Island but they can't look over the white wall.
After 6 months of shagging every woman in sight they get a bit bored and decide to look over the white wall.
The first sailor looks over and immediatley faints,the same thing happens to the other two.The leader walks past and see's them all passed out on the floor.When they come around she tells all three of them that they have to be punished.
She asks the first one which job he had before he was a sailor;
"I was a butcher" he says,so she chopped his willy off.
The second one was really shaking now as she asked him which job he had.
"I was a carpenter" he said so she sawed his willy off.
The third one was pi***** himself laughing.
"Why are you laughing"she said"you are just about to lose your willy in a horrific way"
"I was a lollipop man,I'd love to see you suck that off"

2007-04-04 04:22:57 · 12 answers · asked by loopylin 4

What worries me, my toe nails are growing into claws

2007-04-04 04:15:10 · 15 answers · asked by denis9705 5

Because if you don't have a good partner,you'd better have a good hand

2007-04-04 04:07:01 · 24 answers · asked by colin050659 6