any1 has jokes to share???????

Answer 1

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

xxx

Answer 2

How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb? Ten - one to actually do it and 9 to stand around and say "I could have done it better than that".

What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool.

What is the definition of a 4-piece band? Three musicians and a drummer.

How do you get a guitar player to turn down his amplifier? Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

If a blonde and brunette both fell off the top of the Empire State Building at exactly the same time, who would hit the ground first? The brunette, because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? The 1987 Hide and Go Seek World Champion.

Why did the blonde have to call 911? Because she locked herself inside it. (This actually happened but I don't know if it was a blonde or not.)

Answer 3

A Jatt, who had spent his total existence in his village, is composed of flow to a chum. He'd by no ability considered a convention or the tracks they run on. at a similar time as status interior the path of the rail tracks sooner or later, he hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- yet does not understand what it is. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the ingredient of the tracks. It replaced into in basic terms a glancing blow, so he replaced into fortunate to get carry of a few minor inner injuries, some broken bones, and a few bruises. After weeks interior the medical institution convalescing, he's at his chum's living house attending a social gathering one night. at a similar time as interior the kitchen, he without warning hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a iron rod from the interior reach shelf and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of steel. His chum, listening to the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's got here approximately and asks the wasteland guy, "Why did you harm my reliable tea kettle?" The wasteland guy replies, "guy, you gotta kill those issues while they are small." ?*? pay attention 0f The Gypsy Curses ?*?

Answer 4

"Dorothy, your boyfriend, Mulla Nasrudin, seems very bashful," said Mama to her daughter.

"Bashful!" echoed the daughter, "bashful is no name for it."

"Why don't you encourage him a little more? Some men have to be taught how to do their courting. He's a good catch."

"Encourage him!" said the daughter, "he cannot take the most palpable hint. Why, only last night when I sat all alone on the sofa, he perched up in a chair as far away as he could get. I asked him if he didn't think it strange that a man's arm and a woman's waist seemed always to be the same length, and what do you think he did?"

"Why, just what any sensible man would have done -- tried it."

"NO," said the daughter. "HE ASKED ME IF I COULD FIND A PIECE OF STRING SO WE COULD MEASURE AND SEE IF IT WAS SO."

Answer 5

there was this guy and he was looking for a hotel. he found one so he asked if they had any rooms. the manager said no. then hes like wait there's one but it's haunted. do you want it? the guy said sure i don't believe in such things. on his way up the bell hopper told him , whatever you do don't look under the rug. the guy said okay and shrugged. then at nite he heard a voice and started thinking about the rug. so he looked under the rug and was suprised to find stairs. he went down the stairs and came in a room that was dimly lit by one light bulb. at the end of the room he sees a cage with a sleeping gorilla in it. he pokes teh gorilla and the gorilla wakes up and starts goin crazy. then the guy got scared so he went and cought a cab. he was liek "phew i got away from that guerilla" then he turns around and sees the guerilla chasing the car. so then he goes to the airport. and in teh plane hes like"phew i got away from that guerilla" then he looks out the window and sees the guerilla hanging on the wing and waving to him. he gets soooooooooooo scared so he takes a parachute and jumps off the plane. the guerilla follows him. then the guy doesn't know what to do so he goes back to the hotel goes to the secret room and hides behind the cage. the guerilla follows him. so the guy is like don't hurt me . see im behind the cage and i can't bother you now. then the guerilla pokes him and sais"tag your it!"

Answer 6

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

Answer 7

A girl who is getting married asks her mom who has been happily married for 35 years mom how do you keep dad happy you guys are always so happy the mom takes a package of biscuits out cracks them open and throws one on the floor then she lifts her dress and picks up the biscuit with her snatch and tells the daughter when you get to were you can do this your husband will always be happy so the girl practices and practices till she can do it on her wedding night she cracks open a roll of biscuits and throws one on the floor then she lifts her sexy little nightie and Begin's to squat down to pick it up right about when she is there she gets bad gas and farts very loudly her new husband backs up with a horrified look on his face and she says whats a matter honey he says if that thing growled like that for a biscuit there's no telling what it will do when it sees meat.

Answer 8

A MARINE & AN IRAQI -

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Faluijiah when

they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a

similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and

and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked

the injured Marine what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north

along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed

insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches

along the road."

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife

scumbag", and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a

good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. "So I said that

Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited

lesbian!" He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs.

Clinton!"



"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands,

when a truck hit us".

Answer 9

heres some:
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his d***. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"

Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first. "It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

Answer 10

Sardar at NASA

NASA was getting ready to launch a very important
space shuttle. The scientists and engineers checked and
double checked everything to make sure that things are fine.
However, on the day of our launch, something seemed
to be wrong. The rocket gave all sorts of noise but never
took off even an inch from the ground. The engineers were
puzzled because they could not figure out the problem.
Finally, there was an Sardar who offered
to help. They NASA people were desperate by that time and
agreed to do anything.
"Tilt the rocket 45 degrees to the right" said the
Indian scientist. The engineers were puzzled but did it anyway.
"Bring it back to vertical position" the Sardar said.
The engineers did.
"Now start the engines" he said. And surprise, the
rocket took off and flew into outer space!
Everybody congratulated him and asked him how he knew
what to do. He replied -
"It is very simple. This is what we always do with our
Bajaj scooters in India".




Sardarji is trying to commit suicide on the railway tracks

and he takes along some wine and chicken with him. Somebody stops

him and asks "kyon bhai, ye sab kyon leke baithe ho?" (Why

do you take these things with you?).

Sardarji replies "Saali train late aati hai kahin bhook se na

marjaun" (If the stupid train comes late, I will die of hunger!)





Sardar declares war on America

Hello Mr. Bush," a heavily accented voice says.
"This is Santa Singh down in Chandigadh, Punjab. I am
ringing to inform you that I am officially declaring war on
you!"
"Well, Santa Singh," Bush replies, "This indeed is important
news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," says Santa Singh after a moments
calculation, "There is myself, my cousin Banta Singh, my
next door neighbour Gurjinder and the entire Kabbadi team
from the Village. That makes 8!"
Bush sighs and says, "I must tell you Santa Singh that I
have 1million men in my army waiting to move on my word."
"OK," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day Santa Singh calls back. "Right Mr.
Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire
some equipment!"
"What equipment would that be, Santa Singh?" Bush asks.
"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Gill's
tractor from the farm." Once more Bush sighs and says, "I
must tell you Santa Singh that I have 50,000 tanks, 2000
mine layers,10,000 armored cars and my army has increased to
1 and a half million since we last spoke." "I'll be dogged!"
says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, Santa Singh calls again the next day."Right Mr.
Bush, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We've gotten out old Govind's crop
sprayer with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the
Hockey team has joined us as well!"
Once more Bush sighs and says "I must tell you Santa Singh
that I have 4000 bombers and 8000 high maneuverability
attack planes and my military installations are surrounded
by laser guided surface to air missiles and since we last
spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."
"Oh cripes," says Santa Singh. "I'll have to ring you back."
Santa Singh calls again the next day. "Right Mr. Bush, I
am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm very happy to hear that," says Bush. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Santa Singh, "We've all had a chat and to be
sure, there's no way we can cope with 2 million prisoners of war."