Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

take her bra off !

2007-02-02 01:19:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I was 14, all I wanted was a girl with large brexsts.

When I was 16, I dated a girl with large brexsts, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that, I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

At 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad, impetuous things and flixted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as she made me happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

2007-02-02 01:19:10 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a blonde was horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started going too fast and bouncing out of control. The blonde tried with all her might to hang on, but soon was thrown off.

With her foot caught in the stirrup, she fell head first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce on the ground as the horse would not stop or even slow down. Just as the blonde was about to give up hope and was losing consciousness...

The K-Mart manager came out and unplugged the horse.

2007-02-02 01:17:01 · 23 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

There was this girl that wanted to become a hxoker and one day her first customer asked her how much she charged for pxssy.

She said hang on let me go ask my sis. She runs up stairs and says Mary How much should I charge for pxssy?

Mary said $100.00, so she runs down stairs and tells him. He says I only got $25.00 she said hang on let me go ask my sis.

She runs up stairs says Mary what can I do for $25.00.

Mary says a hand job. She runs down stairs tells the man. He says ok he pulls out this p**ck that must have been 15 inches long she says hang on a minute I need to ask my sis something.

She runs up the stairs says Mary you got $75.00 you could loan this man.

2007-02-02 01:15:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An overweight blonde went to see her doctor for some advice. The doctor advised that she run ten miles a day for thirty days. This, he promised, would help her lose as many as twenty pounds.

The blonde followed the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the whole twenty pounds. She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.

At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"

2007-02-02 01:14:41 · 15 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car

2007-02-02 01:11:45 · 2 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."

2007-02-02 01:09:51 · 19 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

2007-02-02 01:09:09 · 17 answers · asked by bandaruvamsi 2

What do you call a Scottish cloakroom attendant?

Angus McCoatup

2007-02-02 01:08:22 · 7 answers · asked by neilhollydood 1

a small town is flooded and the water is rising rapidly , a man sitting on his roof is spotted by a rescue boat , they tell him to
get into the boat , the man declines the offer and says he will
be ok , the lord will keep him safe ,he tells them to save the others.
The rescuers shake their heads and motor off.

one hour later they return and find the man clinging onto the top of
his tv antena , the house fully submerged .

they insist that he get into the boat , the man again refuses and
says that the lord will keep him safe .

the resquers again give up and motor away .

The water continued to rise and the man drowned.

The man ended up in heaven were he met god , he asked why
am i here ,i had faith ?
.
god answered , i sent you two rescue boats !!

2007-02-02 01:05:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-02 01:01:04 · 21 answers · asked by SAF is God 5

On March 15th, a friend was telling me, "Every day I have a cup of coffee. I drank 31 cups in Januray, 28 in February, and 15 in March. So far, I drank 74 cups of coffee. Do you know how many cups of coffee I would have drunk thus far if it had been a leap year?"

2007-02-02 00:56:40 · 7 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

"May I speak to the director?"
"Who's calling, please?"
"John Rominich."
"I beg your pardon, could you please spell your last name?"
"R as in Rome, O as in Oslo, M as in Madrid, I as in Innsbrook..."
"I as in what?"
"Innsbrook."
"Thanks, please go ahead."
"N as in Nome..."

This does not make sense. Why?

2007-02-02 00:55:37 · 7 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

English, lol forgive me friend for I have sinned I called Andrew an Englishman and now must admidt my faux pas on Y!A for my pennance I shall eat of the haggis and abstain from this joke:

So mick Jagger sings hey you get offfa my cloud what does a scottsman sing?


Hey Mcleod get offa my ewe.

Okay enough I'm sorry to all the scots what hae with wallace bled. But I know you have a sense of humour..............right?

2007-02-02 00:53:52 · 4 answers · asked by Natashya K 3

............ when I realized that I had to run upstairs for a moment. I did not want the coffee to get cold, and I had the to add the milk at room temperature. Should I add the milk before I go up or after I get back?


I need this answered for a riddle contest - thanks!

2007-02-02 00:53:01 · 3 answers · asked by jubilee1005 1

2 guys are out camping, at night they pitch they tent a crept inside and went fast asleep. one guy pokes his the other and says, ''look up, what do you see? The second guy says, ''the moon and the stars''. 1st guy--- ''what does that tell you?'' 2nd guy--- W-w-well its 3/4 moon, this means its summer and the lunar obit is in line with nothern stars, you see those 5 stars over there they means Saturn is in 3rd obit....... he went on for 5minutes telling all he knew about astrology and stars, upon which the 1st guy says ''Richard you idiot, someone has stolen our tent''

2007-02-02 00:38:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

there was a blond a brunet and a red head and they were all told if you tell the truth in the mirror in the girl bath room then you will have gud luck and if you lie then the mirror will suck you in so they all walked in the bathroonm and the
brunett says: i think im the most smartest girl in the world.
and she had gud luck for the rest of her life and the the
red head says: i think im the most beautifulest girl in all the world.
and the she had good luck for the rest of her life but then the blonde walks in and says: I THINK... and then she was sucked in the morror

2007-02-02 00:30:34 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

2007-02-02 00:16:27 · 3 answers · asked by Jodi C 5

Snow White, Hercules and Quasimodo are chatting and Snow White says:
-I am the most beautiful woman of the world.
And Hercules says:
-I am the strongest man in the world.
And Quasimodo says:
-well, I am the ugliest person in the world.

Snow White bothered that they might not be right asks:
-but, if in fact we are not what we think?
So, it occurs to Hercules:
-lets go and ask God, he’ll tell us for sure.
The three of them go, and after speaking to God individually; Snow White very proudly says:
-Oh great, God told me that I am the most beautiful woman on earth.
Followed by Hercules:
-Well, God told me that I am the strongest man in the planet.
And Quasimodo very disappointed asks his friends:
-do any of you know,!!Who on earth is Camila Parker Bowles???!!!

2007-02-02 00:08:04 · 22 answers · asked by lokito 2

you dont f--- with either of them

2007-02-02 00:07:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mine are sooooooooooooooooooooo hairy!

2007-02-02 00:03:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It think it was on Who is Bill Bailey? and it started like: 'Two men walk into a pub and say "Hang on a minute, this is a three man joke"...'

2007-02-02 00:02:57 · 8 answers · asked by kingnoodle 1

A man got on a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

2007-02-01 23:59:10 · 15 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

English book of rugby skills.

Irish book of knowlege.

Jewish/Scottish book of free gifts.

Ethiopian cook books.

Italian books of war heroes.

Geordie book of correct pronounciation.

2007-02-01 23:57:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers; "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate £100 million to the Catholic Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from '....give us this day our daily bread' to '....give us this day our daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

"Well," says the Nescafe man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from '....give us this day our daily bread' to '....give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from '....give us this day our daily bread' to '....give us this day our daily coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Hovis Account."

2007-02-01 23:56:28 · 10 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the Devil...

Satan: "Why so glum?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Satan: "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, tab and fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Wow, that sounds great!"

Satan: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You'd better believe it!"

Satan: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow... that's awesome!"

Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

Satan: "Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt...it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"

Satan: "What about drugs?"

Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean..."

Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead, who cares?"

Guy: "WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"

Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

2007-02-01 23:52:52 · 13 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

Basically just write the name of a song and then afterwoods write.... " In My Panties".... See What You Get.

2007-02-01 23:47:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

can you tell me any web site for very short story regarding greediness

2007-02-01 23:45:41 · 6 answers · asked by kavitha j 1

2007-02-01 23:39:07 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde wakes up in the morning and says
'so are ALL you guys on the SAME football team?'




anymore jokes?

2007-02-01 23:12:45 · 23 answers · asked by Dude 2