Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Derek Acorah & 'The Most Haunted' Crew went to do a vigil at the bottom of the ocean....

Derek Acora closed his eyes and says " i sense a load seouls down here".

My girlfriend claims to have made this joke up so wondered what u thought, because i for one think:
1. She didnt really make it up...
2. I think its crap lol!!!

what do you think???

2007-02-02 05:40:38 · 16 answers · asked by welshlad2303 2

I thnk we planted only plants or sowed seeds?

Can you lift that thing?

2007-02-02 05:38:04 · 6 answers · asked by StupendousMan 5

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Asda in Dundee with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Asda. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.Why the hell would you think they're twins ?..... Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?""Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!

2007-02-02 05:37:32 · 27 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

Check this link out..
http://www.worth1000.com/entries/200500/200980nSUR.jpg

2007-02-02 05:32:14 · 11 answers · asked by StupendousMan 5

If it goes off for 1 hour at 4.00am?

2007-02-02 05:31:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Boom

2007-02-02 05:28:29 · 19 answers · asked by malcolmg 6

Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?"
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"

2007-02-02 05:26:48 · 24 answers · asked by Tink 5

2007-02-02 05:24:04 · 16 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

Save a tree, eat a beaver :)

2007-02-02 05:11:56 · 12 answers · asked by LynX 3

Posted this a while back but it never showed:-

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AjprFbOZWHbj5ewL2_LTzVTsy6IX?qid=20070202094014AAzlU6L

So I'm trying again...

2007-02-02 05:02:32 · 2 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Uncle Billy if you see this Exclude a glass of beer from your answer:)

2007-02-02 05:01:23 · 18 answers · asked by katlady927 6

He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
The guy says," I'm green with NV".
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"
She replies, "I'm tickled pink."
The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party."
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the
host opens the door to see two Irish blokes, standing stark naked,
one with his knob in a bowl of custard, and the other with his knob stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Well, what the
hell are you both doing? You could get arrested standing out there in the street like that. Anyhow what emotion is this supposed to be?!?!"
Paddy replies, "Well, Oim fokn discustard, and Mick here has just
come in dispair"

2007-02-02 04:52:59 · 12 answers · asked by prettywoman 6

The Beginning

A woman of about 21 walks up on stage



Candy- Hello everybody! And welcome to an all new season of How Long Can They TAKE It? I’m your host, Candy Counterman! This season is different, instead of having many people, we will stick with the game group! (Giggles) Oooo! This is SO exciting! Now the rules-



Somewhere backstage



Will Turner- Is it me, or is that woman a bit too creepy?



Elizabeth Swann looks over at Jack Sparrow who’s dancing with a jelly doughnut and singing Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back”



Elizabeth- It depends who you’re comparing it with.



Will- Oh so true.



Jack- I’m bringing sexy back! YEAH! Those other boys-



Jack takes a bite of the doughnut and spills jelly all over himself. Immediately, two woman rush up to him and start rubbing the jelly with Tide-a-way.



Jack- (continues) munt mo mow mo mact!



Tia Dalma- Jack, you can’t sing for your life.



Jack- (ignoring Tia and finally swallowing the remains of the doughnut) Oh yeah?



Pirates- YEAH!



Jack- Where’s ol’ Davy and Barbossa? I think it’ll be best if we change the subject..



Pirates- (in unison) GOOD CHOICE!



Cotton’s Parrot- No idea! Wind in the sails, Jack is an idiot!



Jack takes a minute to think out what the parrot said. After he’s done he opens him mouth to say something back when-



Candy- NOW! PLEASE WELCOME, THE AMAZING, THE FANTASTIC, THE PIRATES!!



Mr. Gibbs- We’re on.



Some backstage person- Break a leg.



Jack- If we were really to break a leg, we wouldn’t go on the show.



Elizabeth rolls her eyes, as the pirates trudge on stage. Everyone, except Jack Sparrow..







Jack’s Entrance



Commodore Norrington- Guys? Guys..We have a problem!!



Tia- What now, Norry?



Norrington- Where’s Jack?



Will and Elizabeth- Not good..



Mr. Gibbs- Not good at all..



Norrington- I’m scared! What if man eating crabs ate him?? (Begins to cry)



Everyone stares at him



Tia- Norry, how many times did ye fall on ye head?



Norrington- None!



Tia raises an eyebrow



Norrington- Ok! OK! 5 times..



Candy- (whispering to pirates) SHUT up! (To audience) Well! Here are our special guests! (Big smile) Let’s hear it for: William Turner! Elizabeth Swann! Tia Dalma! (Tia smiles in an evil way) Mr. Cotton’s Parrot! Unfortunately, Mr. Cotton couldn’t make it. He’s on a vacation in the Bahamas . Mr. Gibbs! David Jones-



Davy Jones magically appeared out of nowhere.



Davy Jones- IT”S DAVY!!!



Candy- Ok, Ok, my bad. DAVY Jones, Commodore Norrington, aaaaaannnnnnnnnndddddddddd…..JACK SPARROW!



Pirates- CAPTAIN!



Candy- Sorry, CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!



Cricket chirping



Everyone- Where’s Jack?



Voice- No! NO! I don’t want your bloody Vodka!! I want RUM!!



Everyone shuts up as Jack Sparrow runs on stage with a bottle of rum. Freezing, he first looks at Candy, then at the pirates, then at the audience.



Jack- NO! YOU CAN’T HAVE IT! THE RUM IS MINE!!



Candy- Alright then..

The Rapid Fan Girl



Some girl in the audience- OH MY GOD!! (Screams) IT’S CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!!



Jack- Oh no. Not good. (Starts running away)



Girl- NO! JACK!! JACK!! COME BACK!! (Chases Jack)



Somewhere backstage



Jack- AHH!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!



Crash of a bottle and utter silence



Will- Uh oh. Jack is gonna MURDER her! She broke his bottle!



Jack- You did NOT just smash my rum..



Girl- OH MY GOD!! JACK SPARROW IS YELLING AT ME!!



Jack- CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!! GET OVER HERE YOU BLOODY-



AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!



Jack- Now! Don’t EVER touch my rum again, or I will KILL you!



Girl- OH MY GOD!! JACK SPARROW IS GONNA KILL ME!!! (Squeals)



Candy- GET THAT (beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) OUT OF MY SHOW!!



Girl- (guards swarm around her) YOU HAVE MY WORD SPARROW!! I’LL GET YOU! I SWEAR I WILL!! YOU’LL BE MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE! (Gets kicked out)



Jack stumbles onstage



Mr. Gibbs- Mother’s love Jack! What did you do to the girl?



Jack- The rapid one? Oh! That one! Yes. I showed her a piece of ol’ Jack when he has no rum..



Candy- (to audience) Ok. After that rather -exciting- start, I would like to introduce you to Captain Jack Sparrow!



Jack- Wha? When did this’ll happen?



Candy- You signed a contract for me remember? You’ll appear on the survival show!



Jack- When in the bloody world did I do that?



Norrington- When you were drunk and singing the Blue’s Clues Song to a bottle of rum.



Jack- Shut it you.



No Rum and a Cabin

Davy Jones- We’re supposed to live in THIS??



Candy frowns



Candy- Don’t you like it?



Jack- It’s wet and ugly, just like ol’ Davy’s face!!



Davy Jones- WHY YOU LITTLE-



Candy-(squints) It is not wet.. Nor is it ugly



The cabin the pirates were standing in was a light shade of blue. There were four bunk beds along the left wall, and a blue couch with a medium Toshiba TV in the middle. A door was located on the right side and another on the wall in front of them.



Jack- Where’s the bar?



Candy stares at him



Candy- What bar?



Jack- The bar you said was here.



Candy- There is no bar (looks puzzled) I never said there will be a bar.



Jack- Yes you DID!



Elizabeth- This is gonna be a long three months.



Jack- Where’s the rum!?



Candy- THERE IS NO FREAKING RUM!!



Jack- Then what am I doing here?



Candy rolls her eyes in an Elizabeth type style.



Will- Jack, Jack, there is NO rum. Get that in your head.



Jack starts to whimper.



Jack- No..n-no..r-r-um?



Mr. Gibbs- I’m sorry Jack. We all knew there was no rum..



Tia- We wanted to see ye cry!!



Jack sits on the floor and cries.



Jack- Why? WHY is the world so bloody cruel??

It’s So Dark!



It’s dark out and Norry is scared



Tia Dalma- Norry! What is up wit ye?



Norrington- It’s dark and spooky outside



The door creaks open and a big figure with outlined by the darkness is standing in it



The Figure- Norrington..NORRINGTON!!



Norry whimpers and curls himself into a ball, while Tia Dalma tries to keep herself from laughing.



Norrington- No! Please! Don’t hurt me!!!



Another figure staggers up and starts whispering threats.



The Figure #2- We shall eat you unless you say “Captain Jack Sparrow is the sexiest man in the world” Three times. Then we will spare your life.



The figure slaps the second figure



Norrington- Captain Jack Sparrow is the sexiest man in the world. Captain Jack Sparrow is the sexiest man in the world. Captain Jack Sparrow is the sexiest man in the world. Please! Don’t hurt me!



Both figures go into the room laughing.



Norrington- OH MY GOD! THE MYSTEROUS FIGURES LOOK LIKE JACK AND DAVY JONES!



Jack and Davy Jones- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!



Norry starts to cry



Norrington- Tia! Help! Jack and Davy are mad!! Oh no!



Starts running and runs into the wall. Mr. Gibbs and Will run after him and peel him off the it. Jack, Davy, and Tia are laughing like crazy. Jack is rolling on the floor. Tia leans onto Davy Jones to support herself.



Tia- That iz de most fun we shall have!!



Jack- Totally.



Elizabeth comes into the room.



Elizabeth- What happened here?



Everyone- Nothing.

The Rules



Jack- Hey, Candy!



Candy- What?



Jack- What are the rules?



Candy- Are you KIDDING me? I explained them about three times.



Jack- Well, I forgot.



Candy sighs



Candy- Well, you will live in a one bedroom cabin in my camp and-



Jack- Your camp’s name..?



Candy- Candy’s Cute Camp



Jack pretends to gag



Jack- What kind of camp name is that?



Candy- Shut up. Listen to the rules.



Jack mutters something about rum and a corny name



Candy- Well, you will live in a one bedroom-



Jack- Yes, we know that.



Candy makes a fist at Jack. Jack backs away and hides behind Will.



Jack- Hide me eunuch!



Will pushes him away and crosses his arms.



Candy- Shut up and listen. You will live in a one bedroom house with only a kitchen, a bathroom, and a bed for each of you. There will be no weapons and no alcohol.



Jack whimpers



Candy- There will be no bad language or we have to spray you with water. Example A.



Some guy comes up to Jack and squirts him with those things you spray cats with.



Jack- Hey! Look what you did! I have a wet spot on my new shirt!



Tia- Ye deserve it.





Depressing Morning



Jack- (groaning) I am SO depressed. Almost 24 hours without a drop of rum.



Elizabeth- Shut it.



Jack flops back on the bed he was laying in



Jack- Hey, you, eunuch.



Will- Wha?



Jack- MWAHAHAH!! You answered! That means you are a eunuch! Hahaha!



Pirates-(All except Will) – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!



Candy walks in



Candy- Rise and shine my little guinea pigs!



Everyone stares at her



Candy- (coughs) Uh..I mean..uh..pirates?



Everyone is still staring



Candy- Is staring like, your special hobby or something?



Jack- Yeah, pretty much.



Will- Yeah, cause it’s you we’re usually staring at!



Jack- HEY! Take that back!



Will- No! make me!



Jack- OH I’LL MAKE YOU ALRIGHT!!



Jack whips out his pistol



Candy- HEY! You’re not supposed to have that!!



Jack- I’m Captain Jack Sparrow savvy? I can do anything.



Tia Dalma- That was so corny.



Jack- Yeah, I guess it was.



Jack puts his pistol away



Jack- I’m hungry. What’s for breakfast?



Finding Maple Syrup



Jack pokes the thing with his fork. Then he pokes Will with his fork.



Will- BLOODY STOP IT!



Jack- I didn’t do anything!



Will- You did too!



Jack- I did not. Leave me alone eunuch. I’m trying to eat.



Will- Grrrrrr..



Tia Dalma- What da heck iz dat?



Tia pokes a pancake with her fork.



Elizabeth- Pancake.



Just then Jack discovered maple syrup. Taking a straw he put it in the bottle and drank..and drank..and drank some more.



Jack- Mmmm..Not bad. Kinda tastes like rum



Everyone stared at him.



Candy- There we go with the staring again.



Jack gets up and leaves the table.



Jack- I’m gonna search for more of these in the kitchen. Don’t touch my rum..



Candy- Maple syrup.



Jack- Whatever. Don’t touch it.



Jack leaves and Mr. Gibbs reaches for the maple syrup when- OMG! Jack the monkey swings from out of nowhere and steals the maple syrup!! Everyone stares at the monkey. The monkey stares at them.



Jack the Monkey- My maple syrup! You hear me? Mine!



Jack the monkey runs away. Everyone stares. Jack the human returns.



Jack- :O!! Where’s my syrup!!



Elizabeth- Jack stole it!



Jack- (Looks at her as though she was crazy)



Davy Jones- Don’t be stupid. Barbossa’s pet stole it.

2007-02-02 04:45:33 · 9 answers · asked by star42430 5

A woman at work was taking some files to another co-worker
when suddenly, another co-worker walked by and said,
"Wow, your hair smells really nice."
The woman becomes very upset and then goes to complain
about the other man's comment.
When she explained what the man said, the HR person asked,
"What is wrong with someone telling you that your hair smells nice?"
"The man is a midget!" she replied.

2007-02-02 04:45:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar. In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you keep drinkin', then jumpin' off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again. How do you do it?"

"Well, the shot of tequila provides a buoyancy such that when I get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, "Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat!

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you're an a**h0le when you're drunk."

2007-02-02 04:40:14 · 4 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

2007-02-02 04:39:09 · 22 answers · asked by Chris! 2

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

2007-02-02 04:37:20 · 12 answers · asked by ♥kristie♥ 2

2007-02-02 04:31:24 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

i use more than one profile to ask questions and answer them myself and make them best. look at all my best answers and tell me if i can be reported and can my profile be removed? i am woried because someone said they will report me.
click on this link below see my best answers
http://answers.yahoo.com/my/profile;_ylt=AvB4Wc_RD2_QA.yzray3adLsy6IX?show=c874b1d8eaaa56613f2d2ab359c1a965aa&bestansfilter=1&more=y&link=answer#anslist

2007-02-02 04:26:46 · 11 answers · asked by Sweet Indian Girl 1

The following is an ad from a real-life newspaper which appeared four days in a row - the last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake.

MONDAY:
For sale: R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY Notice:
We regret having erred In R.D. Jones' ad yesterday. It should have read "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 948-0707 and ask for Mrs. Kelly, who lives with him after 7 P.M."

WEDNESDAY Notice:
R.D. Jones has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale R.D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 948-0707 after 7 P.M. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

2007-02-02 04:24:44 · 8 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

i wanna know how to put a website name on an answer???

like if someone asked how to see pictures of a cat and needed a wab site name
i would answer with a web like www.catpictures.co.uk (dose not exist) i would need it to turn the writing in to blue to click on it i need to know how please

2007-02-02 04:24:21 · 10 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. When open his eyes at the hospital, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully: "You've always been beside me. When I was a struggling university student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-sits as well. You were always there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying."

She squeezed his hands as he continued:"When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more advertisements for me to apply."

He continued "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company until now...

2007-02-02 04:18:23 · 13 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?

***

Two dyslexic skiiers were wondering wether they ought to zig-zag down the piste or zag-zig. They decided to ask someone and button-holed a young man.

"Excuse me," the first skiier said. "We were wondering wether we ought to zig-zag on the piste, or zag-zig. Could you tell us?."

"Don't ask me," the young man replied. "I'm a tobogganist."

"Well in that case," said the second skiier, "I'll have twenty Rothmans please."

***

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper?

He sold his soul to Santa!

***

One dyslexic would-be lover bought himself a s$x manual but spent all night in his girlfriend's kitchen trying to find her vinegar.

2007-02-02 04:14:09 · 12 answers · asked by Tink 5

There's a Chinese lady who came from China and she doesn't speak any English.

One day, she decided to visit her brother in London. On her first day, she wanted to buy some meatballs but she didn't know how to say them. She then takes out a volleyball and showed it to the groccer selling meatballs.
Lucky for the her, the groccer understood what she wanted.

The next day, she wanted some hotdogs so she decided to bring her brother to the shop. Why must she bring her BROTHER???

























THE











BROTHER











SPEAKS











ENGLISH!!!!!

2007-02-02 04:12:20 · 6 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

2007-02-02 04:07:00 · 9 answers · asked by Juggernaut 1

2007-02-02 04:02:32 · 2 answers · asked by Adriean W 1

Give in? Well I wouldn't fancy giving you a Letter to send off.

(On a more serious note, if I do happen to give you a Letter to send off to someone, please don't try posting it in an Elephant.

2007-02-02 04:02:02 · 6 answers · asked by malcolmg 6

A single man wanted someone to help him with the household chores, so he decided to get a pet to help out. He went to the local pet shop and asks the owner for advice on a suitable animal. The owner suggested a dog, but the man said, "Nah, dogs can't do dishes." The owner then suggested a cat, but the man said, "Nah, cats can't do the ironing"
Finally the owner suggests a centipede, "This is the perfect pet for you. It can do anything!" OK, the man thought, I'll give it a try, so he bought it and took it home. Once home he told the centipede to wash the dishes. The centipede looks over and there are piles and piles of dirty dishes that look to be a month old. Five minutes later, all the pots are washed, dried and put away. Great, thought the man.
Now he told the centipede to do the dusting and vacuuming. 15 minutes later the house is spotless. Wow, thought the man, so he decided to try another idea. "Go down to the corner and get me the evening paper," he told the centipede, and off it went.
15 minutes later, the centipede hadn't returned. 30 minutes later and still no centipede. 45 minutes and the man was sick of waiting, so he got up and went out to look for the centipede.
As he opened the front door, there on the step was the centipede."Hey, whatcha' doing there? I sent you out for the paper 45 minutes ago and now I find you out here without the paper! What gives?"
"Hold on a minute!" said the centipede, "I'm still putting on my damn boots!!!"

2007-02-02 03:59:56 · 13 answers · asked by Tink 5

**This is not intended to be offensive to any race**

A few scientists were about to test a space expedition - 3 potential astronauts were called for an interview - an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese.

The Indian went first: "So, Muthu, this is a dangerous mission... how much do you think you should be paid for it?" asked the scientist

Muthu thinks to himself and says, "1 million"

"Why so much?" asks the scientst

"Nowadays toddy wery expensive, sir..." replies Muthu

"I see, thank you... please ask the Malay guy to come here."

So the Malay, Mat walks up, and is asked the same question. "Uh... 2 million," he replied.

"2 million? That's a lot of money! Even the aneh (guy) before you only asked for one million!"

"You see, sir," explained Mat. "I have 4 wives and 15 children...so, 20 of us in the family, we need a lot of money to support ourselves..."

"I see," said the scientist. "Okay, can you ask the Chinese guy to come up here now?"

2007-02-02 03:51:27 · 5 answers · asked by sugarscamp 5

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy
is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" !
Boy - "£750"
Man - "Sold."

2007-02-02 03:51:24 · 8 answers · asked by ||| Romeo Boy ||| 4