Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

i went into a pet shop the other day and asked the shop keeper how much for your wasps? he replied i dont sell wasps. i replied well how come you have one in the window.

2007-02-02 07:07:28 · 11 answers · asked by muscles 1

2007-02-02 07:07:24 · 5 answers · asked by Leonid_Kosenko 1

Please say how you got ur answer.

2007-02-02 07:05:25 · 20 answers · asked by stariuk 3

(Let me preface this by saying I feel as Americans we have a duty to upport our president despite our personal feelings about them. especially during war-time. This is only a joke not a political statement)

One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," Washington advises, and then fades away...

The next night, Bush is astir again, and sees the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moving through the darkened bedroom. Bush calls out, "Tom, please! What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

The third night sleep still does not come for Bush. He awakens to see the ghost of FDR hovering over his bed. Bush whispers, "Franklin, What is the best thing I can do to help the country?"

"Help the less fortunate, just as I did," FDR replies and fades into the mist...

2007-02-02 06:54:08 · 9 answers · asked by tuxgal3 5

2007-02-02 06:53:21 · 6 answers · asked by Year of the Monkey 5

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking companies fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, “I’m fine?”

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"

2007-02-02 06:50:02 · 11 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-02-02 06:47:30 · 10 answers · asked by bazbaz 2

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn't have one.
The Pope has one but doesn't use it.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Bush is one
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
Cher claims that she took on 3.
We never saw Lucy use Desi's.
What is it?

Dont cheat and look at other peoples answers.
I didnt want to post the answer here because you would see it. But if you want the answer, follow this link. The page has nothing to do with this question, but the answer is printed here.
The answer is on this page in quotes where it reads:
CD: Charlie, "ANSWER IS HERE" Wilson

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?dest=9999999997&product_id=4172304&sourceid=1500000000000001827180

2007-02-02 06:43:14 · 17 answers · asked by wishiwas 4

Two Blonde's walk into a building!!!!!























































































































You would of thought that one of them would have seen it!!!!

2007-02-02 06:42:31 · 9 answers · asked by Myastar 4

Men are like plungers. - They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

2007-02-02 06:36:28 · 17 answers · asked by tinklover637 2

Men are like newborn babies - They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like coffee - The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.

Men are like computers. - Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like coolers. - Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like chocolate bars. - Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like power tools - They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like remote controls. - Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like soap operas - They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like pillows. - Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy

Men are like old car tires. - Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like department stores - Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like horoscopes. - They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

2007-02-02 06:34:06 · 6 answers · asked by tinklover637 2

There was a special, "Funniest Game Show Moments" or something like that. Showed a clip of Family Feud. For every question, the guy answered "turkey" and in almost every case, it fit at least to some degree.

Can you come up with a response that you could use to answer just about every question asked out here? You may have to limit it to one category, and "I don't know" or "yes" "no" or "maybe" aren't allowed.

Consult your imagination and see what you can come up with!

2007-02-02 06:33:11 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two rednecks were out hunting,Cletus and Joe Bob. Joe Bob fell and shot himself. Cletus called 911 and said,"help, Joe Bob is dead!! What should I do?", and the 911 operator told him,"Well, first, make sure he's dead". So, The 911 operator hears a shot and Cletus says,"Now what"!!!!!!

2007-02-02 06:29:52 · 7 answers · asked by Icefire 3

2007-02-02 06:25:14 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-02 06:22:06 · 7 answers · asked by bazbaz 2

say you were in a race

okay, 1. if you pass a person in second place what place r u in, and what place would you be in if you passed the person in last place??

2007-02-02 06:20:55 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last one, off to work!!

Just a joke guys!!


A Chinese man went to a bar in Hawaii to have some drinks. At the counter, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg who was already ahead by a quart of alcohol.
After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was glaring at him. Suddenly, in a flash the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer. Picking himself up, he yelled, "What the hell was that for?"
The producer ranted: "That's for the bombing of Pearl Harbor, you ##@@!!##! My dad perished in that bombing!"
"I am not Japanese, you stupid Nincompoop! I am Chinese!"
"Yeah yeah yeah ...Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese, ...you are all the same."
Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a double from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a deadly snake fist to the producer, sending him flat to the floor.
"What was that for?!!" exclaimed the producer. "That's for the sinking of the TITANIC! I had ancestors on that ship!" the Chinese man replied.
"You ignorant chink! The TITANIC was sunk by an iceberg!" shouted the producer.
"Yeah yeah yeah...Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg...you are all the same!"

2007-02-02 06:14:58 · 2 answers · asked by Tink 5

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."



The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."



"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.



"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"



"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."



The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."



"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"



"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

2007-02-02 06:14:42 · 3 answers · asked by InquiringMinds 3

Do not think too much. Just write whatever comes to your mind. Do not bother with the exact dates. You can mention more than 3 also, but preferable mention events which are older than a 200 years AT THE LEAST. It could be from anywhere in the world.

2007-02-02 06:07:06 · 31 answers · asked by tornjeansandguitar 3

2007-02-02 06:03:05 · 15 answers · asked by bazbaz 2

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."



"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

2007-02-02 05:58:11 · 11 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-02-02 05:53:50 · 17 answers · asked by zieglerjoshua 1

Strength is being able to break a chocolate bar into 4 pieces...





But only eat one of the pieces.

2007-02-02 05:52:29 · 4 answers · asked by to the moon 2

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she gets a gun and goes home and walks in on her boyfriend with another woman she pulls out the gun and points it at the boyfriend and the girl.No, PLease!!shouts the boyfriend, the blonde overwhelmed wth grief points the gun to herself ready to pull the trigger,the boyfriend yells,"No dont do it", the blonde shouts, shut up your next!

2007-02-02 05:51:31 · 17 answers · asked by irishdol 1

He said "Having sex at 90 years old is like shooting pool with a rope." I thought that was pretty funny.

2007-02-02 05:51:26 · 8 answers · asked by yagman 7

g willikers!

2007-02-02 05:44:56 · 6 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

2007-02-02 05:44:13 · 3 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

They cant leave the fu**ing house without ROBIN!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-02 05:43:45 · 17 answers · asked by snuffylover4 2

Both twins die at about the same time. The good twin is in Heaven and can look down on the bad twin in hell. Hell is not quite what the good twin imagined. His brother is drinking and partying with beautiful women, with lots of music, dancing and passionate kissing going on.

The good twin goes to St. Peter and says, "I'm not complaining. This place is peaceful and beautiful, but my brother down there looks like he's having the time of his life. He's got his own beer keg, and just look at the gorgeous woman he is kissing!"

St. Peter puts an arm on the man's shoulder and says, "My son, all is not as it seems. The keg has a hole in it. The woman doesn't."

2007-02-02 05:40:47 · 14 answers · asked by Tink 5

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous so she decided to pay close attention at the next stoplight to be sure. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

2007-02-02 05:40:39 · 7 answers · asked by yagman 7