Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

where does it lead you?

2007-02-02 03:45:10 · 12 answers · asked by Rabbit's Girl 2

2007-02-02 03:41:39 · 8 answers · asked by Denise T 1

Ed was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Ted there clutching his hands between his legs. "What's wrong?", Ed said. "I've been hit by a bl$$dy cricket ball!" said his friend. Just then Ed's wife came to the door and said "Quick come in here and I'll look after you". When Ed looked in the kitchen he saw his friend sitting on a dining chair, his wife had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend's manhood with cotton wool and the water.

"OMG", thought Ed, "How do you feel?" he said. His friend turned and said "Ed, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!", then holding his finger in the air he said "But I still think I will lose the nail!"

2007-02-02 03:41:04 · 24 answers · asked by Tink 5

americans can't tell the difference between a 29 year old man and a 12 year old boy!!!! couldn't they see he had stubble? one teacher said "i thought there was some thing wrong with him cause he didn't have smooth skin" well DUH!!!
does that mean there will be a teacher at the school gates from now on stroking the pupils faces and if they are rough then they aren't allowed into the school?????

2007-02-02 03:21:18 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man went on tv claiming to eat tools.
He then removed a claw hammer from his bag, pulled off the head and ate it. He then proceede to munch on the shaft and soon there was nothing left.
After several minutes of rapterous applause the man was interviewed by the presenter, " Do you do this profesionally?" he asked.

"No" he replied " I'm an Ammer chewer!!"

2007-02-02 03:18:42 · 17 answers · asked by motomarco9999 2

...murmers something in her ear. With a horrified look she yelps "Excuse me?"

"Typical country weather" he says. She smiles and they chat until she leaves at her stop.

The guy moves and sits down next to another woman.

Again he mutters something and again the horrified woman questions him.

"Typical country weather" he replies and again the two chat.

All this time an old, shabbily dressed, drunk has been eyeing the guy's progress.

When the young guy gets up to leave, the drunk grabs him and asks "Oi. Niiish game ye got. Waash yer got goin' wit deesh ladies, eh?"

"Oh, it's my new way to meet women. I whisper 'Tickle your c*nt with a feather' to get their attention and then say 'Typical country weather' when they get flustered.

The bum decides to try this out. He weaves his way over to an older lady and blurts out:

"Bang your snatch with a stick?"

The woman shrieks "EXCUSE ME, WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

To which the drunk replies "Er, have a nice f*ckin' day.

2007-02-02 03:16:58 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I choose all of them and his feet still come from the same dicrection?

2007-02-02 03:11:42 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

1)What do u call ur father in-law's only child's mother in-law?.
2)How could a cowboy ride into town on friday,stay 2 days and ride out on friday?
3)How could all of ur cousins have an aunt who is not ur aunt?

2007-02-02 02:54:49 · 12 answers · asked by mikkie 2

A black dog stands in the middle of an intersection in a town painted black.none of the street lights are working due to a power failure cause by a local storm.A car with two broken head lights drives towards the dog but turns in time to avoid hitting him. how could the driver have seen the dog in time?

2007-02-02 02:52:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Turn it over!
(think about it)
I love gay people!

2007-02-02 02:48:19 · 9 answers · asked by Marvin 2

2007-02-02 02:22:49 · 21 answers · asked by josh u 2

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"I'm going to report you."
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

2007-02-02 02:15:53 · 4 answers · asked by Tink 5

there was 2 loving couple who cant live without each other. They shared everything in live together.one day both of them decided to have a meal in a fastfood outlet, the man ordered 1set of combo meal consist of 1 burger 1 drink 1 fries, the man sit next to them wondering is this 2 couple not enough money to buy 2 set? he offer to treat them but they decline. as he watch them eat he notice why the woman isnt eating and he ask her. she replied: I have to wait for him to finish so i can use his false teeth.

2007-02-02 02:07:32 · 12 answers · asked by † Iríšh † 7

SING BY INDIAN SINGER

2007-02-02 02:07:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Blind Mans Blonde Joke

A blind man and his guide dog enter a Bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-02-02 02:06:26 · 82 answers · asked by Tink 5

mama!i like bullseye

2007-02-02 02:04:16 · 12 answers · asked by ARMAN 2

2007-02-02 02:03:50 · 17 answers · asked by ?Princess Aurora? 1

why is it that your parents always tell u to stay young while you can, but the minute you do something childish, they tell you to grow up?

2007-02-02 02:03:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 man fall into a deep hole. The man who died is called 'deadman' and the man who is alive call..?

2007-02-02 01:52:28 · 11 answers · asked by † Iríšh † 7

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting.
One looked at the other and said,
"I've got to take a cr*p."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and cr*p."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my bum."

The other blonde replied,

"You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with cr*p all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your bum with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

2007-02-02 01:44:09 · 18 answers · asked by jamie 2

A brunnette walks into a doctors surgery and says " Doctor i think i'm dying!"

Doctor: "what seems to be the problem?"
Brunnete: Everywhere I touch is reaaly painfull"
Doctor: Let's see?
Brunnete: (elbow) 'ouch' (knee) 'ouch' (stomach) 'ouch'
Doctor: Ahh yes I see what the problem is...
Brunnette: I'm dying aren't I?
Doctor: Your hair is not really brunnette is it Miss?
Brunnette: Why, no, I am actually blonde!
Doctor: Yes just as suspected, your finger is broken!

2007-02-02 01:44:01 · 22 answers · asked by Kayle xxx 2

the funniest answer has my vote

2007-02-02 01:41:27 · 16 answers · asked by Baby Doll 3

Three Surgeons:

Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Arkansas. In my favorite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an
accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.

The second surgeon said. "That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in track and field events in the
Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's blonde hair and the horse's ***. I was able to put them together and now she's a senator from New York

2007-02-02 01:39:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.

2007-02-02 01:34:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

WARNING - NEW SCAM.

Be aware of this - I had a lucky escape.

I walked into B & Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately I got the first punch in and that was the end of that.

Those less suspecting might not be so lucky!

2007-02-02 01:33:14 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep was a buxom wench.

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

2007-02-02 01:33:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The New Top Ten Blonde Inventions

1. Water-proof towels

2. Solar powered flashlights

3. Submarine screendoors

4. A book on how to read

5. Inflatable dart boards

6. Dictionary index

7. Ejection seats for helicopters

8. Pedal powered wheel-chairs

9. Powered water

10. Water proof tea bags

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

2007-02-02 01:31:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-02 01:27:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Which cxndom would you use....

Nike Cxndoms: Just do it.

Toyota Cxndoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Cxndoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Cxndoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Cxndoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Cxndom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Cxndoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Cxndoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Cxndoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Cxndoms: Like a rock.

Dial Cxndoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Cxndoms: Cause hey -- you never know.

California Lotto Cxndoms: Who's next?

Avis Cxndoms: Trying harder than ever.

2007-02-02 01:25:50 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

DID HE??? DOES ANYONE KNOW???

2007-02-02 01:22:39 · 4 answers · asked by khester05 2