Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job. 2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man who is dependable, respectful and doesn't lie. 4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you. 5. It is important that these four men never meet.

Sorry for the sexist joke guys, but it did make me chuckle, I hope everybody has a little giggle.

2007-02-01 23:08:51 · 20 answers · asked by Loader2000 4

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/1/11/God-kills-kitten.jpg



Maybe thats what happened the Dodo or Dinosaurs!

2007-02-01 23:03:17 · 10 answers · asked by Dude 2

2007-02-01 23:00:37 · 10 answers · asked by Sweet Indian Girl 1

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. ... Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ...Weather ......... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders ....... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ...Chocolate Bars .... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ...Commercials ....... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like .... Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ...Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like ...Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like . Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like ...Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

2007-02-01 22:49:45 · 32 answers · asked by Miss Tickle 4

2007-02-01 22:47:10 · 13 answers · asked by shell 2

2007-02-01 22:45:12 · 7 answers · asked by alan p 2

2007-02-01 22:25:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

>
>
>New ICC rulings
>
>Following the crushing defeat of England, the International Cricket
>Council has imposed a new set of rules for future Ashes series to make
>the contest more even.
>
>1) As a result, England has been granted an automatic wickie, freeing up
>wicket keeper Chris Read/Geraint Jones/Paul Nixon/Allan Knott to defend
>the boundary. Under the rule, Australian batsmen will be deemed out
>"caught behind" if the ball nicks their bat and lands in the immediate
>area behind the wicket. The rule is a compromise from the original
>English proposal which had pushed for automatic slips as well. The ICC
>refused that request on the grounds that "someone has to go and get the
>ball when an Australian misses it."
>
>2) In addition, Australia is under strict "tip and run" restrictions
>which require they take a run off every ball they hit. Ricky Ponting was
>happy to accept this, as it meant no change to his current game plan. As
>a compromise, it was agreed that the Australians will also have to shout
>out the word "wickets" when completing a run to make run out decisions
>by umpires easier.
>
>3) Following his outstanding performance in
>Perth/Sydney/Melbourne/Hobart etc, Australian wicketkeeper Adam
>Gilchrist has "six and out" restrictions imposed on him. As well,
>following complaints from English fielders, Gilchrist will have to get
>the ball if it leaves the playing arena.
>
>4) Instead of using a bat, Matt Hayden & Ricky Ponting will now be
>obliged to use their arm with a jumper wrapped around it.
>
>5) New rules for England include "one hand, one bounce" while they are
>fielding, and the provision of "last man carries" when they are batting.
>
>6) The English tried to extend the "can't get out first ball" provision
>to "can't get out first ten overs", but the ICC proclaimed that the
>extra runs gained would hardly be worth the effort. Australian captain
>Ricky Ponting has vigorously opposed the "last man carries" rule and has
>launched an appeal. Ponting says Australia will only agree to the rule
>if there are electric wickets at the end, allowing Aussie fielders to
>throw to the stumps at either end.
>
>7) English pace bowler Saj Mahmood will also be allowed to wrap the
>ball's seam with electrical tape when he's bowling in the second
>innings.
>
>8) The spokesperson added there will be "no LB" for English batsmen
>unless "it is really, really obvious."
>
>9) Brett Lee has conceded that its "fair enough" that he has to bowl
>underarm (but not molly grubbers) to the English tail end.
>
>10) If England decides that Steven Harmison is to be given an over, the
>umpire will deem the Australian batsmen as dismissed if Harmison lands
>the ball anywhere on the pitch. Captain Ricky Ponting has no problems
>with this change, as the probability of such a dismissal occurring is
>infintessinately small.
>

2007-02-01 22:22:54 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple went to a sex therapist and asked him 'will you watch us having sex?'. The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said 'there is nothing wrong with your act' and charged them Rs. 300/ as his fee. The couple gladly paid and left.

This was repeated for four weeks. The Doctor, in doubt, asked the couple what exactly was their problem. The man said ' she is married, I am married, so we can't use our houses. Taj charges Rs. 8000/ and Oberoi charges Rs. 6000/, where as we pay only Rs. 300/ here and get Rs. 250/ from Mediclaim'

2007-02-01 22:18:07 · 25 answers · asked by Electric 7

i lost it at a billy joel concert in 1988, and have not seen it since. Im offering a reward of 15 pounds of maple sryup, and a used roll of toilet paper. I will also throw in a pair of soiled womens socks

2007-02-01 22:11:29 · 8 answers · asked by HamburgerHead 1

I have posted this question now and the next time I'll be on the computer is at work in six hours time on my break, please make me laugh

2007-02-01 21:57:50 · 11 answers · asked by jo jo 6

I just got arrested, taken to jail, and charged with being the ugliest MF around. Could you please come down here, so they can see they were wrong !

2007-02-01 21:24:41 · 16 answers · asked by Stevie D 2

Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No donut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

2007-02-01 21:03:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A person made counterfeit 100 dollar with same ink, size, paper, watermark and with no difference from the original. But, the police easily identified that and arrested the person. How did police identified the counterfeit dollar?

2007-02-01 21:00:29 · 14 answers · asked by foniboki 4

Hint: word

What is it?

2007-02-01 20:55:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Fred and Albert sitting drinking tea one morning, Fred turns to Albert and says " what do you reckon Albert weve both just passed our 85th birthdays, don't you think we should go out on Friday night, get mad drunk and find ourselves a couple of prostitutes, it about time we had a good night out"

Albert thinks its a great Idea and friday arrives and off they go, by the time they got to the 3rd pub they could hardly walk, the pair of them were blind drunk.

About half a mile up the road, they spot a brothel, Albert & Fred go inside, Lola the manager is sitting behind the desk " what can I do for you fella's ?
Fred says " we would like your two finest prostitutes please"
Lola see how drunk they are and calls over to Steve and whispers in his ear " take these two old dodders upstairs, put em in rooms 1 & 2 and throw a blow up doll on each bed , they are both so drunk and so old they'll never know the difference"

So off Fred and Albert go, they come downstairs about half an hour later, thank and pay Lola.......

staggering down the street Fred says to Albert " well how was she then" Albert Replies "well actually she didn't move very much, she just lay there, Im sure mine was dead"

Then Albert asks Fred " so how was yours then" Fred replies
"oh mine, well she certainly wasn't dead, In fact I swear she was a witch"
Albert says " a witch????? why do you say that

Fred replies " wellllll, there I was getting really into it and we were making mad, passionate love , I kissed her neck, then couldnt control myself and gave her a little bite on the neck, then she farted and flew outta the window"

2007-02-01 20:35:43 · 21 answers · asked by looby 6

From the Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.


10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

2007-02-01 20:26:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

2007-02-01 20:22:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.

Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!

Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said "What a treasure!" and her father said "Yes, let's go bury it."

Yo mama feet are so big her shoes have to have license plates!

Yo mama aint so bad...she would give you the hair off of her back!

Yo mama lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.

It took yo mama 10 tries to get her drivers license, she couldnt get used to the front seat!

Yo mama hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.

Yo mama hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.

Yo mama so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.

Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.

Yo mama twice the man you are.

Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail.

2007-02-01 20:19:30 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Antique farm equipment....

2007-02-01 20:19:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

because wen it starts playing up get rid of it

2007-02-01 20:14:09 · 8 answers · asked by old dick withers 3

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?" The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course." The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

2007-02-01 20:06:02 · 20 answers · asked by looby 6

The woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms as she is concerned that Morris might overexert himself.

After the wedding, she prepares for bed & for Morris to come to her room.

Sure enough, there's a knock @ the door & there's Morris, ready for action. They unite in conjugal union & after the main event, Morris leaves while his bride gets ready to go to sleep.

After a few minutes, there's a knock on the door & there's old Morris, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, after which the octogenarian bids her good night & leaves.

She's certainly ready for slumber at this point, when there's another knock at the door by Morris, who is as energetic as a 25yr old & ready for more.

Once again, they do the horizontal boogie. As they're relaxing, the young bride says to him, "I'm really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it 3 times.

2007-02-01 19:55:51 · 19 answers · asked by Jay A 3

2007-02-01 19:55:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Where are you? And where am I?

2007-02-01 19:53:22 · 2 answers · asked by ghostguff3 2

There was this new boy at a new school and the teacher asked him his name. He replied,"Bootyitch". The teacher kept asking him what his name was and he kept on replying,"Bootyitch", so she sent him to the principal's office. The principal asked him what his name was and he said,"My name is Bootyitch!" The principal called his mother to tell her what was going on. After school, his mothe rwas on her way to pick him up.Meanwhile, the boy was playing with some kids in the street as a car came and hit him. It was his mother and when she stepped out of the car she yelled"OH, MY POOR BOOTYITCH!!!" Everyone on the schoolyard yelled back"JUST SCRATCH IT!!!

2007-02-01 19:45:59 · 10 answers · asked by Nickname 2

A naked blond walks into a bar with a 2 foot salami underneath one arm and a poodle underneath the other. She sets the poodle on top of the bar and the bartender says, " I suppose you wont be needing a drink with that " To which the naked lady replies.......

2007-02-01 19:45:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 19:42:44 · 2 answers · asked by Satish K 1

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

2007-02-01 19:13:53 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 19:05:21 · 22 answers · asked by anthrax 2