Make my day?

Question

I have posted this question now and the next time I'll be on the computer is at work in six hours time on my break, please make me laugh

Answer 1

Being British is about...
>
>Driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling
>home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on
>Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Being suspicious of all things foreign!!!
>

>Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
>Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to
the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
>
>Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
>
>Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
>
>Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the Drive and
>lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
>
>Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting
so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place?
>
>Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
>
>
NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
>
>142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
>
>58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
>
>31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
>
>19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
>
>British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
>
>18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
>
>A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A &E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
>
>5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
>
>And finally...
>
>In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls
>incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.

Answer 2

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama, Huntsville and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

Answer 3

Blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner decided to have some fun with blonde, He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" Blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Roommate rolled her eyes and said ... "HELLLLO" Dont be stupid "First....You need to roll up all the windows"

Answer 4

I tried to post this joke but the 'fun police' censored it.You might have a better sense of humo(u)r.
Two boys were playing in the rose garden and John gets a huge thorn in his hand and starts to cry.
"Don't cry John." said Jim "I'll ask my mummy for a glass of cider
that will make it better."
"A glass of cider?What good will that do?" asked John.
"Well" said Jim.."I've heard my big sister say that every time SHE gets a big prick in HER hand...she always puts it in cider."

Answer 5

Did you know that if you smoke after sex, you're doing it wayyyyy too fast??!!.................And did you know that it's been proven that licking the sweat off a frog's back cures depression? The bad part is, when you quit licking, the frog gets depressed again.

Answer 6

This jokes a bit long but hope you like it!?! (Enjoy your day at work!)

One day a man called Jim goes into his local pub, barman says 'Hi Jim, What can I get you today?'
Jim replies. "Don't call me Jim! Call me Lucky Jim!!!'
Barman asks 'Why am I calling you Lucky Jim?'
Jim tells him how he has booked his holiday to London by train and that he was walking along the road one day and stopped to speak to his freind and a dog nearly peed on his leg! But he noticed in time and it missed!
Now that's lucky!

Two days later Lucky Jim goes into his local again, The barman remembers and says 'Hey Lucky Jim, How are you today?'
Jim replies. "Don't call me Lucky Jim! Call me Lucky Lucky Jim!!!'
Barman's puzzled and asks 'Why am I calling you Lucky Lucky Jim?'
Jim goes on to tell him how he was walking along the street on his way to get his train ticket for going to London, when he stepped off the pavement and was nearly run over by a minibus.
The barman says 'Boyo that's lucky' and gives him his usual drink.
Lucky Lucky Jim leaves the bar and says he'll be back in a week after his holiday!

A week later Lucky Lucky Jim returns!! He hobbles into the pub!
The happy barman as ever says ''Hi Lucky Lucky Jim, What can I get you today?'
Jim replies. "Don't call me Lucky Lucky Jim! Call me Lucky Lucky Lucky Jim!!!'
A puzzled barman asks, whislt pouring his pint, ''Why am I calling you Lucky Lucky Lucky Jim?'
Jime replies 'When I was in London, I met the most gorgeous girl, we eventually went back to her place!! We were busy with a little bit a hanky panky and then this brick fell from the roof and landed on my bum!!! Man it was agony!!!'
Barman say 'What's so lucky about that?'
Jim replies ' 30 seconds earlier it would have banged me in the head!!!!'

Hope it was worth reading and made you smile!!!

Answer 7

The only joke I know is a dirty one...the pig fell in the mud.

Answer 8

What about the cowboy who walked into the car dealership and said "Audi."

Answer 9

heres something to make you laugh, you suck at answering questions, lol have a nice day, punk

Answer 10

What do you call a politically correct bikini wax?
No Bush.