Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

Can you spell Mississippi with one "I"?

2007-02-01 09:27:10 · 18 answers · asked by Heather 2

2007-02-01 09:24:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

after some discussion, the lawyer turns to Mickey and says he cannot divorce Minny Mouse just because she has big teeth.
Mickey said i didn't say she had big teeth i said she was f*@king Goofy

2007-02-01 09:23:46 · 11 answers · asked by ensanguining 1

I don't care if it's poitical, racial, sexist or whatever. The more offensive it is, usually the funnier it is. Here is mine, and let me tell you first that I am jewish and am in no way a racist, I just like humor.
Q. What did the Nazi say to the black jew?
A. "Get to the back of the oven!"

2007-02-01 09:11:19 · 11 answers · asked by lazyjbob 5

what room has a celing but no walls????

A 25 year old man walks in to a bar and says that if old friend died of old age, but he has know this friend his whole life how is this posiable?????

2007-02-01 08:55:25 · 10 answers · asked by Bruce G 2

joke

1.After dinner and a movie, Joe drove his date to a quiet country road and made his move. When Mary responded enthusiastically to his kissing, he tried sliding his hand up her blouse. Suddenly, she jerked away, got out of the car is a hurry, and ran home.

Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "A girl's best friends are her own two legs." On their next date, Joe returned to the country road. As they were kissing passionately, Joe slid his hand up Mary's skirt. Once again, she pulled away, got out of the car, and hurried home.

Later that night, she wrote in her diary, "I repeat, a girl's best friends are her own two legs."

On the third date, the pair returned to the country road. This time, Mary didn't get home until very late.

That night, she wrote in her diary, "There comes a time when even the best of friends must part."
====
• Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

2007-02-01 08:55:00 · 12 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

Bono's on stage with u2 in Dublin.When he asks the crowd 4 silence.Then he slowly claps his hands and says in2 the microphone,"Every time i clap my hands a child in Africa dies". A voice from near the front pierces the quit."well stop f**king clapping;then!" any good?

2007-02-01 08:47:54 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

I can't say the A word. sorry

2007-02-01 08:43:17 · 12 answers · asked by BullShit Man 2

Why do I need one? Long story.

2007-02-01 08:35:08 · 12 answers · asked by .::emma::. 3

2007-02-01 08:34:56 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan
Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man
at the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the
bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though,
she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the
amount of money involved.

The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1,000 bills which
amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary
to obtain an appointment for the lady.

The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like
to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal
level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a
large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." she
answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" "No." she
replied.

He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old
lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she stated. "You
bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she
replied, "I bet people."

Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets on different
things with different people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet
you $25,
000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be
square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to
take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the
rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to
stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,
000.00 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to
make sure everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked
the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the
little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He
knew this would be a good day- how often do you get handed $25,
000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old
lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he
inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him
that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was
this much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell
you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only
$25,
000.00 richer." The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that
she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was
reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over
and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine.
The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across
the room banging his head against the wall.

"What' wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet
him $100,
000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the
president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

2007-02-01 08:32:00 · 17 answers · asked by theo 2

Which of these activities is a cyclic process? (There may be more than one correct answer.)

A. A canoe trip that goes 50 miles down river
B. A bike ride from home to the corner store and back
C. A baseball game
D. A home run in a softball game
E. Reading a book

2007-02-01 08:31:36 · 2 answers · asked by bb761866 2

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist eyes him suspiciously.
" Do you have a prescription for that?" he asks.
" No," says the guy, "but will this picture of my wife do?"

2007-02-01 08:29:31 · 26 answers · asked by Angland 1

Three rats are in a bar. One of them requests a whiskey, drinks it in 1 go, stump the glass in the bar, looks at the other two rats, and says: "When I encounter a rat trap, I jump upon the trigger, I hold the wire that comes towards me, I bite it 20 times to sharpen my teeth, I break it and then eat the cheese".

The second rat looks at him, requests a vodka, it too drinks it in 1 go, breaks the glass in a corner and says: "When I encounter rat poison, I take it home and put it in the microwave, I make popcorn with it, and eat it while watching TV and drinking beer".

Both rats turn around and watch at the third rat

this rat asks for a glass of red wine, drinks a drip of it, while smoking a mint cigarette says: "excuse me, but I do not have time to tell you nothing coz I must go home to sha* the cat".

2007-02-01 08:29:25 · 15 answers · asked by lokito 2

Three rats are in a bar. One of them requests a whiskey, drinks it in 1 go, stump the glass in the bar, looks at the other two rats, and says: When I encounter a rat trap, I jump upon the trigger, I hold the wire that comes towards me, I bite it 20 times to sharpen my teeth, I break it and then eat the cheese.
The second rat looks at him, requests a vodka, it too drinks it in 1 go, breaks the glass in a corner and says: When I encounter rat poison, I take it home and put it in the microwave, I make popcorn, and eat it while watching TV and drinking beer.

Both rats turn around and watch the third rat

this rat asks for a glass of red wine, drinks a drip of it, while smoking a mint cigarette says: excuse me, but I do not have time to tell you nothing coz I must go home to sha* the cat.

2007-02-01 08:27:01 · 7 answers · asked by lokito 2

2007-02-01 08:21:39 · 11 answers · asked by Lacadema (Role-player) 4

No strings are attached to the ball

2007-02-01 08:19:33 · 6 answers · asked by BB B 2

there are 3 people and their names are manners, crap and uraloser "witch sounds like (your a loser)" so they were all ridding in a in the back of the truck except uraloser he was driving when crap fell out of the truck so uraloser stopped and manners went help him. uraloser went to the police and told them his friend got hurt. so the police asked him what his name is and he told him uraloser so the police said where are your manners and uraloser said "outside scooping up crap"

2007-02-01 08:18:55 · 22 answers · asked by fiesty 2

2007-02-01 08:15:33 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did the blonde return her scarf at the store?
She said it was too tight!

2007-02-01 08:14:18 · 9 answers · asked by B2B2008 5

if i have a rooster,and you have a donkey,and the donkey ate both of my roosters feet.what would you have?


two feet of my c--k up your a--!!

2007-02-01 08:11:43 · 13 answers · asked by I Bleed Black & Gold 6

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.>>>>>
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. she said All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.
" The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, for one those are your breasts. She said,
"No point asking about the beard then.................."

2007-02-01 08:08:49 · 31 answers · asked by jamie 2

Norman and his wife live in Marion, Ohio. One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have
8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even
numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's
wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd numbered side o f the street, so the snowplow can get
through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again. The next week they are
having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are expecting
12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the
electric power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried
look on her face she says,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need
to park on so the snow plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, Norman says,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

2007-02-01 08:05:58 · 8 answers · asked by Bev 5

is a french fire engine?

2007-02-01 08:03:24 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-02-01 08:00:04 · 10 answers · asked by PLUTO 6

A Seminary professor was vacationing with his wife in Gatlinburg , Tennessee .



One morning, they were eating breakfast in a little restaurant,

hoping to enjoy a quiet, family meal.

While they were waiting for their

food, they noticed a distinguished looking,

white haired man moving from table to table,

visiting with the guests.



The professor leaned over and

whispered to his wife, "I hope he doesn't come over here."

But sure enough, the man did

come over to their table.



"Where are you folks from?" he asked in a friendly voice.



" Oklahoma ," they answered.



"Great to have you here in Tennessee ," the stranger said.

"What do you do for a living?"



"I teach at a seminary," he replied.



"Oh, so you teach preachers how to preach, do you?

Well, I've got a really good story for you."



And with that, the gentleman pulled up a chair and sat down at the table with the couple.

The professor groaned

and thought to himself,

"Great, just what I need--another preacher story!



The man started, "See that mountain over there?"

(pointing out a restaurant window).

"Not far from the base of that mountain,

there was a boy born to an unwed mother.

He had a hard time growing up, because every place he went,

he was always asked the same question.

"Hey boy, who's your daddy?"



Whether he was at school, in the grocery store or drug store,

people would ask the same question.

"Who's your daddy?"



He would hide at recess and lunchtime from other students.

He would avoid going into stores because

that question hurt him so much.



When he was about 12 years old, a new preacher came to his church.

He would always go in late and slip out early to

avoid hearing the question,

"Who's your daddy ?"



But one day, the new preacher said the benediction so fast, he got caught and had to walk out with the crowd. Just about the time he got to the back door, the new preacher, not knowing anything about him put his hand on his shoulder and asked him,

"Son, who's your daddy?"



The whole church got deathly quiet. He could feel every eye in the church looking at him.

Now everyone would finally know the answer to the, question,

"Who's your daddy?"



The new preacher, though, sensed the situation

around him and using discernment that only the Holy Spirit could give,

said the following to the scared little boy.



"Wait a minute!" he said. "I know who you are. I see

the family resemblance now.

You are a child of God."



With that, He patted the boy on his shoulder and said. "Boy,

you've got a great inheritance.

Go and claim it. "



With that, the boy smiled for the first time in a long time and

walked out the door a changed person. He was never the

same again. Whenever anybody asked him,

"Who's your Daddy?" he'd just tell them,

I'm a child of God."



The distinguished gentleman got up from the table and said,

"Isn't that a great story?"



The professor responded that it really was a great story!



As the man turned to leave, he said, "You know, if that new

preacher hadn't told me that I was one of God's children,

I probably would never have amounted to anything!"

And he walked away.



The seminary professor and his wife were stunned.

He called the waitress over and asked her,

"Do you know that man who just left that was sitting at our table?"



The waitress grinned and said, "Of course.

Everybody here knows him.

That's Ben Hooper.

He's the former governor of Tennessee !"



Someone in your life today needs a reminder that they are one of God's children.



"The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the Word of God

stands forever." Isaiah 40:8



YOU'RE ONE OF GOD'S CHILDREN. I SEE THE RESEMBLANCE.

2007-02-01 08:00:01 · 6 answers · asked by fiesty 2

(These might've been posted before...but still funny)

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers...

2007-02-01 07:58:18 · 10 answers · asked by tuxgal3 5

Because they like the part where the hooker gives the money back.

Funny?????

2007-02-01 07:55:57 · 4 answers · asked by broken heart 2

Girls on Fire
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. The Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump into.

The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH the firemen yank the blanket away...the Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the Redhead.

"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead.

"No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!"

"OK" says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.

Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it . . ."

2007-02-01 07:54:48 · 21 answers · asked by Tink 5

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Jap man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice Play a Jazz chord . Play a jazz chord.
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then
goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Well and truly p’d off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability
Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ***. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike... and starts to sing .....
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

2007-02-01 07:51:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous