Jokes & Riddles - February 2007

In the middle of the night a guy wakes up still drunk to go pee. All of the sudden he comes back running to the room screaming. His wife wakes up and asks him what was going on. He told her: "I think the bathroom is haunted. Everytime I open the door, the lights turn on. When I close it, the lights go off!" The wife says: "You're gonna kill me. You're pissing in the refrigerator again!"

2007-02-01 06:43:17 · 19 answers · asked by snak3s2001 3

Pinocchio has just turned 16 years old and Geppetto thinks to himself: "Just now my son is going to take an interest in girls, I had better explain to him about the birds and the bees."

So he spends time telling Pinocchio about girls and making love. Pinocchio listens intently and then goes off to experiment.

Some time later, Geppetto sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

Pinocchio replies, "Great, I'm doing fine, except that all the girls are complaining about splinters."

"Oh dear," says his father, "All I can suggest is that you smooth things over first with some sandpaper."

Some time later he sees his son and asks, "How's it going with the girls?"

"Who needs girls when you've got sandpaper?!?"

2007-02-01 06:40:51 · 19 answers · asked by Jay A 3

the gay cowboy ?he shot up a sherriff
the 2 gay ghosts ?tried to put the willies up each other
the 2 gay judges?wanted to try each other
the 2 gay scottish dentists?ben doon and phil mcavity
come on this is just astarter there has to be more

2007-02-01 06:34:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is true .
Mother and daughter were sitting in the back of the bus and I was about two rows in front.
The little girl looked as if she was about five and she asked her mum a question.
"Mummy, Is God Everywhere?"
Yes love,
"Can he hear everything?"
Yes Love,
"Can he see everything?"
Yes Love.
Oh said the girl, She paused for a few seconds and then asked the most important question of all,
"Can he see me when I'm on the loo then?"
She sounded so curious I laughed and so did her mum and half the bus.

2007-02-01 06:32:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard that she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true. "Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

2007-02-01 06:29:55 · 11 answers · asked by Jay A 3

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

2007-02-01 06:28:31 · 9 answers · asked by Jay A 3

they named him "Sum Ting Wong"

2007-02-01 06:27:47 · 8 answers · asked by Cornell is Hot! 4

A man is driving along the interstate out of Maine. He's got two hours to get to an important business conference in New Hampshire. All of a sudden, he's really hungry. He pulls over to the nearest fast food joint he sees. He orders a huge meal from the drive-through, and continues on his way.

After a little while, nature calls. The man, not wanting to "go" in the forest, looks around desperately for a building with a bathroom. He's really got to take a crap. Suddenly, he sees this small, run-down old church. He thinks, "Great, they'll have a bathroom."

He pulls over, and runs into the lobby. It's deserted, and he can't see a bathroom anywhere. He runs into the sanctuary. He sees a praying woman.

"Where's the bathroom?" he asks.

"Shh! Down the hall, third right." So the man runs down the hall. In his pain, however, he takes the third left, instead. He rips the door open. It's a hole in the wall! He thinks, "Oh well, it's better than nothing."

In the basement below, a preacher is praying at his private alter, "What will god give us today?" The preacher holds up his hand, reaching up to heaven through his heaven-hole in the wall.

PLOP!!

"Oh. Well, if that's how he's feeling today, well, so be it. What will god say to us today?" He stretches his ear up to heaven.

"Dammit, where's the toilet paper?"

2007-02-01 06:26:28 · 10 answers · asked by Eraser 1

I think it's just an innocent joke, but you tell me....

What do you call a short Mexican?
A Paragraph....

Why? Because regular Mexicans call themselves Essays.

2007-02-01 06:21:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The guy who asked all the 'did you hear about' jokes?

2007-02-01 06:17:08 · 11 answers · asked by Ali 3

Don't laugh!" said the patient, Bob.

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the doctor. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

2007-02-01 06:14:07 · 17 answers · asked by Bev 5

YOUR DRIVING A CAR AT A CONSTANT SPEED THERE IS A FIRE TRUCK ON ONE SIDE A GALLOPING HORSE IN FRONT OF YOU AND A GALLOPING HOSE IN BACK OF YOUR CAR YOU CANT PASS THE HORSE IN FRONT BECAUSE THE FIRE TRUCK IS IN THE WAY AND THERE IS A DROP OFF ON THE OTHER SIDE HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS DANGEROUS SUTUATION? I WILL REVEL THE ANSWER LATER

2007-02-01 06:09:35 · 8 answers · asked by jse3_1962 3

A little girl and her mother were talking. Finally little girl asked, "Mommy, do fairy tales always begin with `Once upon a time?"

"No," replied her mother. "Some begin with, `Honey, I have to work late at the office tonight."

2007-02-01 06:06:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A girl walked up to the information desk in a hospital and asked to see the "upturn".

"I think you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty.

"Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'"

"You mean 'examination,'" the nurse corrected her.

"Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway."

"I'm sure you mean the maternity ward."

To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity....what's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months and I think I'm stagnant."

2007-02-01 06:05:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran.

The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my nuts off."

"Great," responds the interviewer, "The disabled Vet gets preference. You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."

"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy.

"Yes, But you don't have to worry, we just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway."

2007-02-01 06:04:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman who had outlived no less than eight husbands finally passed away. Old friends and enemies alike gathered at grave side and consoled or argued with each other, as is so often the way. "Oh well, at least they’ll be together again..." sighed of the departed’s lady friends.

"Yes," replied a childhood friend with a sob, "but with which husband?"

"No silly," said the friend, "I meant her legs."

2007-02-01 06:03:17 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Kermit the frog and Miss Piggy are in the middle of a 69, when the phone rings. It's Fozzy Bear on the other end, and he wants to speak with Miss Piggy.

Kermit replies, "She can't talk right now, she has a frog in her throat!"

2007-02-01 06:01:27 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?

A lickalotapuss.

2007-02-01 05:58:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law."
Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!"

2007-02-01 05:50:33 · 20 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

No, I'm wrong, it was the baby.

(Laughs at poor joke).

2007-02-01 05:46:21 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't eat yellow snow.

Anyone got any more??

2007-02-01 05:44:57 · 10 answers · asked by Ali 3

1. A son tells his mom that his dad was doing something with the maid while she was out. So she said: "Wait until your dad come home and say the same thing in front of him.". Later, when the father comes home. Mom says: "Tell him what you were going to say to me to him." So the son says: "Dad did something with the maid, I don't know what it is at all; however, it's the same thing as mom did with the gardener while dad was out of town."

2. Grandma: "Remember to use condom when you are having sex with your gf"
Grandson: "okay. but why?"
GM: "if you dont use condom, then you may get STDs from your gf, then your cousin will get it from you, then your brother will get it from your cousin, then your brother's gf will get it from your brother, then your dad will get it from your brother's gf, then your mom will get it from your dad, then all men in the entire town will have STDs."

2007-02-01 05:40:37 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Think about it!

2007-02-01 05:40:29 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day this guy went to the doctor and said, "Doc, I really feel bad, can you do some tests?"
The doctor did some tests and said, "I'll call you when they're done and we can talk over the phone, ok?"
The guy said, "OK," and went home and did his daily routine.
One morning he woke up and the phone rang. He picked it up and it was the doctor. The doctor said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
The guy said, "Well, what is the good news?"
The doctor said, "You have 24 hours to live."
The guy said, "Well, what's the bad news?"
The doctor said, "I forgot to call you yesterday."

2007-02-01 05:23:34 · 24 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A guy and his blonde girlfriend are driving to the movies one night for a date. As the guy was making a right turn, he noticed his indicator light inside the car didn't light up at all.

So as he approached the next right turn, he asked his girlfriend to please stick her head out the window and tell him if his indicator is working. She happily obliges and at the turn she sticks her head out the window and replies, "It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't... It is... It isn't."

2007-02-01 05:03:55 · 17 answers · asked by Jay A 3

A guy walks into a bar and demands a shot of 12yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2yr old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12yr old scotch, you bozo!"

Unimpressed the bartender pours some 6yr old scotch.
The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

The bartender still doesn't believe the man knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10yr old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12yr old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
"Shay mishter, tashte this!" The man obliges...he promptly spits it out.

"That tastes like pi*s!," he shouts back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: "It ish. Now how old am I?"

2007-02-01 04:58:33 · 17 answers · asked by Jay A 3

ok.....this is crazy....music can be changed to musical...whim can be changed to whimsical....test can be changed tooooo???

2007-02-01 04:43:34 · 13 answers · asked by wolvie 6

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him!"
"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."
"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price."
"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."
"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket."
"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"
"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

2007-02-01 04:36:48 · 23 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

2007-02-01 04:36:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don't mess with dem der YOOPERS!!!

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two
semi-finalists:
a) a Yale graduate;
b) an Upper Michigander.

They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem containing that word. The word they were given was "TIMBUKTU".

The Yale graduate stepped up the microphone and said:
"SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS - TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU".

The crowd went crazy! No way could the Yooper top that, they
thought.

The Upper Michigander calmly made his way to the microphone, and recited:
"ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU."

The Yooper won hands down.

2007-02-01 04:28:47 · 1 answers · asked by TML ♥'er 3