Funniest joke you ever heard (nothing corny)?

Question

Note - Yo Mamma or "what do you get when you cross...." are old and tired. We need new and original stuff! Or at the very least the best of the old ones.

Answer 1

What looks like bananas,
smells like bananas,
tastes like bananas,
but isnt bananas?

Answer 2

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks aweek. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Answer 3

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 4

A cop is sitting in his patrol car, on the road-side, eating a donut ... and as he's about to take a sip of his coffee, he notices a truck drive by with expired plates. The cop pulls out behind the truck and turns on his siren. The guy in the truck looks into his rear-view mirror, then speeds off like a bat outta hell. The cop chases him through red lights, reaching speeds of 120 mph. The cop has to stop this nut, before he kills someone, so, he does the P.I.T. maneuver and the truck goes flying into the ditch. The cop runs up to the truck, gun drawn and yells: "YOU AZZHOLE ... WHAT THE HELL'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? YOU COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE"!!

The man in truck turns to the cop, tears streaming down his face, with absolute terror in his eyes ... and says. "I'm sooo sorry officer, but, my wife ran away with a cop last week ... I thought he was trying to bring her back".

Answer 5

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."

Answer 6

You know, I am hard pressed to pick a joke that I think is the "funniest I ever heard." Funny how that works.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Answer 7

A little boy walked into an ice cream parlor dressed from head to toe like a cowboy: ten gallon hat, two guns on his hips, a badge, chaps, spurs, the whole works. The girl behind the counter asks what he'll have. He draws his two guns and says, "Gimme a banana split." She says, "do you want 2 or 3 scoops of ice cream?" Again he draws his guns and says ," Make it 3 scoops!" She says, " how about some whipped cream and syrup, too?'' He pulls his guns and says,"yeah lots of whipped cream and syrup, too." She says, " cherry on top and some nuts sprinkled on it all?" He draws his guns again and says, " Yeah put a cherry on it with lotsa nuts!" She says, " Do you want your nuts crushed?" He draws his guns out and says, " You want your t-i-t-s shot off?

Answer 8

A little boy came home one day from school during which he had his first class in sex education. He asked his Mother, " Mom, where did I come from?" His mother replied, " Well, the stork brought you." He then asked, " Well then, where did you and Dad come from?" She then replied, " We were delivered in the Doctor's little black bag". Frustrated, he asked again, " Okay, so where did Grandma and Grandpap come from?" She said, " They were found under a mulberry bush". So the little boy went to school the next day and gave his report before the sex education class. He said, " My family hasn't had a normal birth in three generations."

sf

Answer 9

why are lifesaver better then men ---- they come *** in different flavors
new joke
guy walks in to a bar and ask for a case of Canadian the bartender say we got %&# on sale would you like to try that instead guy says :I bought some of that last night and I was up blowen chunks all night
bartender: well all beer will do that if you drink to much
guy: you dont get it chunks is my dog

that is sick I know I know

Answer 10

God was going to sue the devil. The devil said, "Where are you going to find a good lawyer in heaven?"

***

How do you tell the difference between an aligator and a grape? Well you STOMP on it REAL hard! If you don't get grape juice, it's an aligator.