Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

2007-03-01 02:52:33 · 12 answers · asked by nine_iron76 3

What do you call a psychic midget that just broke out of jail?

A small medium at large !!

2007-03-01 02:42:22 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-01 02:41:29 · 3 answers · asked by ♥Tawnya♥ 4

You can see her feet in her driver's license !

2007-03-01 02:33:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, left her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife, "Up, or down?".

The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife, "Up, or down?" She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

When they arrive home from their trip, the wife retrieves her hearing aides. As they retire for the first nite home, the husband decides to try the magic words again... "Up, or down?" His wife says, "What?".

2007-03-01 02:28:11 · 11 answers · asked by Jay A 3

I was making love to my girlfriend on the backseat of my car down a deserted lane, All of a sudden a police car pulls up, and by the time the policeman knocked on the window shining a torch we were only half dressed. Can you blow into this bag please sir?
Leave it out I said...I've just thrown that out of the window!!
He said.. I'd take down your particulars but i can see theyre already down and walked off..

2007-03-01 02:25:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This married couple was on holiday. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman say, "You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The man replied, "Just try them on." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sexual power.

2007-03-01 02:18:19 · 13 answers · asked by Jay A 3

This is not a trick question - first to get it right gets 10 big ones.

A research team proceeded towards the apex of a natural geological protuberance, the purpose of their expidition being the procurement of a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size of which was unspecified.
One member of the team precipitantly descended sustaining severe fractual damage to the upper cranial portion of his anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second memner of the team performed self-rotational translatiion oriented in the direction taken by the first team member.

O.K so my question is....can you identify the two members of the research team by name?

2007-03-01 02:13:02 · 14 answers · asked by ? 3

What is this from? Do you know?

2007-03-01 01:54:42 · 4 answers · asked by a kinder, gentler me 7

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, "You're kidnapped, so be quiet and don't give me any trouble." The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped your kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

2007-03-01 01:48:41 · 15 answers · asked by Jay A 3

2007-03-01 01:47:56 · 3 answers · asked by cairo_kittens 2

Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"

2007-03-01 01:47:06 · 15 answers · asked by Jay A 3

Deleted Question: guys want to score points with your lady; this is actually how she rates what you do?

Question Details: Social Engineering You stay by her side the entire party: 0 points. You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat: with a college drinking buddy: -2 named Tiffany: -4 Tiffany is a dancer: -6 Tiffany has implants: -8 Saturday Afternoons You visit her parents: +1 and actually make conversation: +3 and stare at the television: -3 and the television is off: -6 or, You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6 And you didn't even go to college: -10 And it's not really your underwear: -15

Reason of Violation:Not a Question or Answer

2007-03-01 01:41:20 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the dumbest thing you have done in your life.

2007-03-01 01:40:59 · 17 answers · asked by M V 2

2007-03-01 01:40:35 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

She's not half the girl she used to be!
it isn't funny kissing when her bottom lip is missing!
oh my god she's got leprosy!

2007-03-01 01:32:21 · 5 answers · asked by jon h 6

Hillary Clinton died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met her at the gate and told her that her mansion was not ready yet. So he took her to another room and asked her to wait. She looked around and saw clocks on every wall and on every surface in the room. Every once in awhile a clock would go forward 30 minutes. This really peaked her intrest. Then after what seemed like hours St. Peter came back to tell her that her mansion was ready. She said, "Thank you, but I had a question. What are all these clocks for?" St. Peter answered that the clocks are to show the span of everyones life. Hillary then asked, "Ok, but way is it that every once in awhile a clock will turn forward 30 minutes?"
"That means that person has committed adultery." said St. Peter.
"Ok," said Hillary,"One more question. Where is Bill's?"
St. Peter answered, "It's on God's desk, He is using it as a fan."

2007-03-01 01:30:56 · 8 answers · asked by princess_bluerose 2

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said...
"Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

2007-03-01 01:29:32 · 15 answers · asked by Jay A 3

I don't know if this is the funniest thing I've ever seen but it's the only one I can remember at the moment.
I was in a friends car and there was this little old lady in her little car reversing. Anyway, she hits this wooden post embedded in the grass. Now, most people would stop and drive forward and try again. Not this little old lady. She floors it. This poor little car sounded like an F1 racing car, there was smoke p!ssing out from the bonnet and still this post wasn't moving. My friend and I couldn't stop laughing for about an hour afterwards because we could still picture the little old ladies face. She looked like she was growling! We laughed about it for days!

2007-03-01 01:29:14 · 9 answers · asked by Louis Junior. 4

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

2007-03-01 01:26:02 · 12 answers · asked by Jay A 3

12 M
52 W
364 D

2007-03-01 01:22:48 · 10 answers · asked by Neethu 1

exact time n location...if u r genius reply

2007-03-01 01:17:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Social Engineering You stay by her side the entire party:
0 points You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat:
with a college drinking buddy: -2
named Tiffany:-4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants:-8
Saturday Afternoons You visit her parents: +1
and actually make conversation: +3
and stare at the television: -3
and the television is off:-6
or, You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

2007-03-01 01:07:57 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

True Storey!

This real estate agent turns up to value a property. He gets to the gate and peers in, There laying in the front garden is the biggest Rotwiller he has ever seen! He slowly opens the gate a creeps along the path to the front door, the dog clocks him and follows the Real estate agent to the front door quietly growling!

The agent rings the door bell, and the property owner comes to the door. The agent, dog, and property owner all go in to the front room. The agent starts to tell the property owner how great he is and how he can sell the property, the dog sits in the middle of the room fixed gaze on the agent, growling softly, and the property owner sits with a worried expression on his face.

After 20 mins or so the owner stands up and asks the agent to leave. The agent is taken aback as he had been invited to value this mans house, finaly the property owners loses the plot and yells "Please leave NOW and take your bloody dog?!!"

You see nither owned the dog!

2007-03-01 01:07:06 · 8 answers · asked by Lucky Cat 3

There was a man who was very clever and healways speaked backwards . Insted of ''she'' he used ''ehs''.He challenged Sweety that he could change any word into backward form and could answer any of her question .

Sweety asked . ''God likes people doing good ................... and bad....................... as the same . Find out the answer and change it into backward form ''

The man had to accept defeat and Sweety won the game .
What was that word ?











Deed was that word


Sorry if that was not so good .

2007-03-01 01:06:58 · 5 answers · asked by Neethu 1

mum, dad and thelittle boy were walking in the forest when the boy sees two squirrels havin sxx.
The little asks mummy what are they doing?
His mums says they are making a cake.

When they get home the boy goes to bed and the mum and the dad have sxx.

Any way the next morning the boy is on the sofa and the mum comes down and asks what the boy is doing on the sofa.

The boy replies; 'you and daddy were making a cake last night'
The mum says how do you know that then

The boy replies 'i was licking the icing off the sofa.

2007-03-01 01:03:40 · 14 answers · asked by tom c 1

Superman is flying around one day when he spots wonder woman sunbathing naked on the top of a roof. Superman watches her and thinks if i flew down and had sex with her she would never know because im superman i'll be finished before she know what hit her! So he flys down at lightening speed, has his way and flys off very happy with himself. Wonder woman sits up and says "what the hell was that". The invisible man rolls off her and says "i don't know but my a** is killing me"!!!!

2007-03-01 00:59:06 · 11 answers · asked by **Missy** 3

2007-03-01 00:57:09 · 7 answers · asked by christina p 1

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door.

"Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

2007-03-01 00:56:41 · 10 answers · asked by Jay A 3

this is a question for a contest...help me out here?

2007-03-01 00:48:22 · 9 answers · asked by Rose 3