Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

Vaseline Market Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.
Have you ever used the product?"
She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all.
My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

2007-03-01 06:33:46 · 11 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Jesus walks into a motel. He puts a bag of nails and a hammer on the counter. Then he asks the manager if he could put him up for the night!!!

2007-03-01 06:31:34 · 5 answers · asked by ramblin guy 4

superman was flying around earth. he looks down using his incredible vision and sees a naked woman laying in her back yard. shes squirming and moaning and has her legs up in the air. he thinks to himself hmmm... im pretty fast, i could fly down there and get a little real quick, she'll never know what hit her. he flys down to her and pat pat pat zoooom hes gone. she looks around suprised and says what was that?? then the invisible man says i dont know but my a**hole hurts like h*ll!!!!

2007-03-01 06:20:14 · 15 answers · asked by i_like_bears 4

would your panty turn to brown

2007-03-01 06:06:10 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

2007-03-01 06:02:21 · 10 answers · asked by phatso 4

If youve heard it dont bother telling me! Get over it!

A bloke walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He orders a huge beer, downs it, walks over to the window and jumps out. Five minutes later, he does it again. Another man at the bar stops the first bloke and says, 'Hey, how do you do that'? He responds, 'When you down the beer it makes you all warm inside. Warm air rises; if you just hold your breath, you become lighter than air and float down'. 'I've got to try that!' exclaims the second man. So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, throws himself out and splats on the pavement below. The barman looks over to the first bloke and says, 'Superman, you're such and @rsehole when you're drunk'.

2007-03-01 06:02:20 · 50 answers · asked by HOOPS 7

2007-03-01 05:59:44 · 9 answers · asked by faruk i 1

Alright, 2 blondes were walking in a forest and the one said, "LOOK A DEAD BIRD!" the other 1 looks up into the sky and says "Where?!?!?!"

2007-03-01 05:58:24 · 8 answers · asked by hanamackenzie 1

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the laundry bag with the next collection of soiled clothes...



"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES."





When she got the laundry back she was still dissatisfied, so she put another note in the next collection bag that said:



"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!!!"





The Chinese laundryman became annoyed and when he delivers the clean laundry it contained a note from him that said:



"I USE PLENTY OF SOAP ON PANTIES!!!"



"USE MORE PAPER ON A -S-S!!!"

2007-03-01 05:56:56 · 4 answers · asked by ♥michele♥ 7

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went into a bar and ordered a whisky each.

They were just about to sip on their lovely malts when three huge bluebottles buzzed in and plop, plop, plop, they each fill into a glass.

Well the Englishman is so repulsed he pushes his way. The Irishman fishes his out and continues drinking quite unperturbed.

The Scotsman picks his out of the glass too but holds it up and shakes it violently shrieking at it:

"Spit it oot ya wee b******!"

2007-03-01 05:56:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok y did the chickin cross the road

2007-03-01 05:50:09 · 9 answers · asked by King Mu$$ab 2

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

2007-03-01 05:47:54 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-01 05:47:13 · 10 answers · asked by hardworkur84 2

A Game for U?

TRY IT>>>>>>>>>
TRY IT>>>>>>>>>
Nice Game Play it.... its fun
try out this.its a real fun .trust me. but put on ur speaker first.. http://fun.fourecks.de/flash/games/lab.s...

and scrap me also do u like it or not....
hope u will enjoy it.

2007-03-01 05:46:59 · 3 answers · asked by geniuswithU 2

one day malcolm walks into the army recruitement office and says to the officer " i wanna join the s.a.s!"
Okay, says the officer, you look fairly clever, whats 4 plus 4?
"8" replies malcolm.
"well done young man" says the officer, "heres a stick of dinamite, go and blow something up, then come back for the next bit of the test."
off trots malcolm, and half an hour later there's an almighty bang, and malcolm walks back into the office, looking pleased with himself.
"well done, young fella" says the officer, "now, how many letters in the alphabet?"
"24" replies malcolm
er, no" says the officer, "it's 26!!!!
"no it isnt!" replies malcolm,"its 24, i've just blown up B & Q!!!!!!

:-)

2007-03-01 05:40:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Read my riddle, I pray. What God never sees, what the king seldom sees, and what we see every day. What is it?

2007-03-01 05:40:07 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."

"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."

2007-03-01 05:38:39 · 11 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

One morning a man is leaving on business trip and finds he left some paperwork at his office. He runs into his office to get it and the night watchman stops him and says, "Sir, don't get on the plane. I had a dream last night that the plane would crash and everyone would die!" The man takes his word and cancels his trip. Sure enough, the plane crashes and everyone dies. The next morning the man gives the watchman a $1,000 reward for saving his life and then fires him. Why did he fire the watchman that saved his life?

2007-03-01 05:38:09 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years and I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not that good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish, and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find
the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for a good man."The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that damn map again."
....................

2007-03-01 05:32:43 · 11 answers · asked by salima_guriya 1

2007-03-01 05:18:18 · 11 answers · asked by iain xx 4

Why is the letter D like a sailor?

2007-03-01 05:15:41 · 7 answers · asked by preciouzunion 1

What goes up and never comes down?

2007-03-01 05:15:04 · 10 answers · asked by preciouzunion 1

Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs.

BOOM BOOM .

2007-03-01 05:12:22 · 4 answers · asked by iain xx 4

Three birds are standing on a branch in a line in a tree. The first bird in the line looks back and says" there are two birds behind me." The last bird in the line looks in front and says:" there are two birds in front of me." the bird in the middle looks in front and behind of him and says" there is no bird in front or behind me." Why?

2007-03-01 05:06:15 · 27 answers · asked by bruce_lee_headache 2

Will the world end?

2007-03-01 04:58:36 · 22 answers · asked by iain xx 4

1)all ur cousins have an aunt who is not ur aunt,how?
2)imagine u r in a boat surrounded by killer sharks .
how would u survive?
3)eskimos r good hunters,yet they dont hunt penguins,y?

2007-03-01 04:55:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Take a long and sweet guess.....
It has 7 letter, and is a dog's name, GOOD LUCK

2007-03-01 04:53:17 · 11 answers · asked by ~Peace~N~Love~ 3

What animal keeps the best time?

2007-03-01 04:53:10 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

When is the best time to have lunch?

2007-03-01 04:52:29 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

It was slower than an asthmatic pensioner running accross a ploughed field in muddy wellies

10 points for the first right answer.

2007-03-01 04:50:01 · 12 answers · asked by iain xx 4