Can you tell me a funny? I am alone this morning and feeling kind of lonely will someone make me laugh?

Answer 1

this ought to hold you for awhile if you want more let me know


Watch for those "greeters" at Wal-Mart!!
>
>
>
>An office manager at Wal-Mart in Hot Springs, Arkansas, was given the
task
>of hiring an individual to
>fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found
four
>people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and
ask
>them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would
>get the job.
>The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
>interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
>
>Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT." It
>just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's
>just
>there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
>
>"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked
>the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and
you
>don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know
of."
>"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very
>popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
>contemplating his reply.
>
>"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall
>there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
>pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
>TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
>The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had
>found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
>
>Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same
>question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers.
>It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA ."
>"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
>"Oh sure", said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so
good,
>and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN
ON THE
>LIGHT, I had already **** my pants."
>
>
>

>>
>>So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan
jokes,
>>you know you're from California if:
>>
>>1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing and none are visible.
>>
>>2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
>>
>>3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation
>>in English.
>>
>>4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is

>>named Flower.
>>
>>5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?
>>
>>6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.
>>
>>7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown,
>>and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.
>>
>>8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?
>>
>>9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
>>
>>10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
>>
>>11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a
baseball
>>cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George
Clooney.
>>
>>12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
>>
>>13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?
>>
>>14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news
>>station: "STORM WATCH."
>>
>>15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy
>>with their cells or pagers.
>>
>>16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour

>>early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
>>
>>17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????
>>
>>18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
>>
>>19. The Terminator is your governor.
>>
>>20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're

>>here illegally, they want to give you one.
>>
>
Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Jack asked.

"I've been transferred to New Orleans, there's crazy people there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate."

Jack replied, "I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Jack. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Fred found out he was going to inherit a bundle when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath
away.

I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are just so much smarter than men.

Answer 2

An 8 yr old boy walks home from school each day passing an 8 yr old girl's house.

One day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting the girl. He holds up his football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys' game, and only boys can have a football."

The little girl runs into the house and cries to her mother, "I want a football." Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one. The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on his bike.

She holds up the football and says, "Nah Na Nah Nah". The little boy angrily points to his bike and says, "Oh yeah, well this is a boy's bike and only boys get boy's bikes and you can't have one."

She runs into the house for her mom. The next day the little girl is waiting for the boy on her new boy's bike.

The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants and pointing to his most private of parts and says "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you one!"

The next day he walks by and asks her, "Well I guess I showed you," to which she promptly pulls up her dress, points to her parts. The little girl proclaims, "My mother tells me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

HOpe you feel better....Cheer up ....Its almost Friday!

♥

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Answer 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIz53ISjlYQ

B/f cheered me up yesterday with this!!!