Jokes & Riddles - March 2007

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

2007-03-28 12:07:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-28 12:04:53 · 3 answers · asked by Shannon r 1

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the tv and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer, It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts!
"THAT'S IT! She blows her top. You bas*ard! You waltz in here, flop your fat a*s down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed..."Oh no, it's started!!"

2007-03-28 12:03:56 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what comes next in the sequence?

leave
plateau
remember
day
too

2007-03-28 11:59:11 · 12 answers · asked by j 1

A man is sitting reading the paper when his wife hits him over the head, .
He said what's that for, she said ive found a scrap of paper in your pocket with the name Mary Ellen on it,
Quick as a flash he told her that it was the name of a horse from the races last week. The wife accepted his answer.
A week later the wife hit him over the head with the frying pan, once again he asked what the hell was that for
She replies by saying "Your horse hast just F*****g phoned"

I know it's not the greatest joke but it gave me a little chuckle

2007-03-28 11:58:31 · 14 answers · asked by x SexySian x 4

What do you do if you are swallowed by a whale?


Jump up and down until you are all pooped out.

2007-03-28 11:58:26 · 2 answers · asked by madrom 4

no offense to you blondes.

2007-03-28 11:56:14 · 11 answers · asked by soybean915 2

Richard wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Kellie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. Kellie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.
The next day Kellie went shopping. Her phone rang and to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Kellie," he said "how do you like your new phone?"
Kellie replied, "I love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that sweetie?"
"Well, how did you know I was in Tescos?" :)

2007-03-28 11:53:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

what comes next on the list?

leave
plateau
remember
day
too

2007-03-28 11:53:28 · 3 answers · asked by j 1

a man and a woman get married.
the woman brings no money into the marriage.
after two years, the woman makes the man a millionaire.
she doesn't work, make anything...anything like that.
how does she do it?

2007-03-28 11:51:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call the black stuff in between elephants toes?
give up?

slow natives!

2007-03-28 11:51:11 · 4 answers · asked by sexie 3

A dog is tied to a leash 15 feet long. The dog wants to get to a bone that is 20 feet away. How will he get to the bone?

2007-03-28 11:46:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The angel of life was strolling through the park one day and came upon two naked statues. One was male, the other female, they were reaching out to each other but spaced apart so their fingertips only slightly touched. The angel was struck by how sad they seemed, and decided to give them the gift of life.
She raised her arms and both statues blinked in amazement then thanked her. She told them she could only give them 15 minutes of life, after which they would turn back to stone, and to fullfill their hearts desires.
Giggling and blushing, the naked couple joined hands and skipped into the bushes. The angel smiled at the giggles and moans, proud of her choice. After 5 mins. the couple reappeared, sweaty and disheveled, but glowing with satisfaction. The angel said, "You still have 10 mins. Don't you want to continue?" As they raced back to the bushes, the angel heard the female say, "What fun! But this time, you hold the pigeon while I poo on his head."

2007-03-28 11:37:55 · 19 answers · asked by .......... 4

My friend came downstairs to find her husband holding a fly swatter and looking very pleased with himself. She said "what are you so pleased about?" He replied " I've just killed 5 flies, 3 males and 2 females. " She looked confused and asked " How could you tell?" and he said " Because 3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone!"

2007-03-28 11:37:38 · 15 answers · asked by cookiemunstr21 2

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a cowboy." The doctor says, "So how long have you been thinking this?" and the man replies, "Well it must be about a YEEHAAAH"!

2007-03-28 11:36:01 · 11 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Frieday night and have dinner with her parents.This being a big event, the girl tells her bf that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time.Well the boy is estatic, but he has never done it befor, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist for protection.The pharmacist asks how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack,10-pack, or a family pack.The boy insists the family pack, because he thinks he will be very busy.That night the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his gf at the door."Oh I'm so excited, come on in."The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.A minute passes, and the boys head is still in deep prayer with his head down.Ten minutes pass, finally after twenty minutes.The girl leans over and asks the bf, "I had no idea you were so religious."The bf whispers back,"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

2007-03-28 11:35:49 · 10 answers · asked by Tammie Tempesta 2

Tricky gets up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues down the hall muttering to himself........"and she gets mad at ME for sucking my thumb!!"

2007-03-28 11:34:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the pi*s. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place. When they find themselves outside the bus depot Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick, "get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look for the police."
Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for 20 minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus looking worried.
"What the hell are you doing Mick....get a move on!" to which Mick replies, "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You f****** idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."

2007-03-28 11:29:48 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-03-28 11:27:43 · 4 answers · asked by samoswaldsmalley 2

I saw an army forage through miles of countryside,
Not a blade of grass did they trample,nor a drop of blood spill,
And if one them used the spear they carried,
it would mean their death

What am I talking about?

2007-03-28 11:27:28 · 9 answers · asked by danny261178 3

Fidgety is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children.

Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

2007-03-28 11:24:22 · 12 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with
the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3 Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate

without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often

to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without
having to picture them naked

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger,
we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

2007-03-28 11:24:11 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A doctor phones his patient at 4:30 in the afternoon;

"Mr. Jones, I'm afraid I've got some bad news and some even worse news for you. I've got your report back from the lab and it says you only have 12 hours to live!"

"Oh no", says the man, "But what could possibly be worse than this?"

"Well truth is," says the doctor, "I meant to phone you first thing this morning".

2007-03-28 11:14:53 · 13 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

A girl goes up to a guy at the bar, puts her arm around him, and says, "Are you the Manager?"

He says, "Yes, I am."

She starts running her fingers through his hair and says, "Is it your job to keep the customers happy?

He says, "Yes, it is..."

She starts playing with his face, works two of her fingers around and into his mouth, and he starts sucking them wildly.

She says, "Can I tell you a dirty little secret?"

He garbles, "Sure..."

She says, "There's no toilet paper in the Ladies Room."

2007-03-28 11:11:59 · 12 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

"Excuse me, did you want that cart?" "No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing." As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."

2007-03-28 11:08:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Can you give me anything for wind?

So the doctor gave him a kite.

2007-03-28 11:05:25 · 20 answers · asked by brainyandy 6

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

2007-03-28 11:00:40 · 19 answers · asked by trickyrick32 4

2007-03-28 11:00:02 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yea so 2 guys r at a bar. they get into talking. the 1st guy asks where ya from? the 2nd guy says ireland. The 1st guy says no way , im from ireland too. the 1st guy says what part a ireland? the 2nd guy says emerland. the 1st guy says me too. this is weird. then the 1st guy says wher'd ya go to skool? the 2nd guy says st particks. the 1st guy says no way thats where i went. then the 1st guy says what street did u grow up on? the 2nd guys says waterwell cove. the 1st guy says me too. theyre both like amazing no way no way as they ask more questions. a new bar tender comes. he says, whats going on around here to the bar tender who is about to go on break, and he says "nothing much but the o'malley twins are drunk again."
get it, they r twins

confusing huh?

2007-03-28 10:59:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is the next word in this list?

leave
plateau
remember
day
too

2007-03-28 10:59:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous