Hey jokes plz?

Question

listen im having a rotten day so i need a few jokes to cheer me up. But if ANYONE gives a smart-mouth response like "if ur having a rotten day get off here" kind of thing, im not afraind to report.

Answer 1

sorry you are having a bad day...maybe this will cheer

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, "Sorry, heaven's crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can't get in."

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: "What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?" "Oh, that's easy," the teacher replied, "the Titanic." So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. "How many people died on that ship?" St. Peter asked. "Oooh, that's tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1, 500." St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer. He simply said to him: "Name them."


Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says gain "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm them up."

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.

When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, DON'T YOUR EARS EVER GET COLD?"


A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his a**."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s*** outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a**.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic s** the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that f****** fence wasn't electrified."


A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says "$30,000." The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it is OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says: "There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what the heck is this?"


(are you ready?)














(are you sure?)








(here it comes!!!)




The bank manager looks back at her and says,
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Answer 2

#1. Leaving Work Early

Three girls all worked in the same office
with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed
the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that,
when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a
little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick
workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise
her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she
heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was
mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!
Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette
and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked
the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got
caught yesterday." #2. The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait?

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding, up on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and
the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage just one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican!, opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too."

The blonde guy opened his lunch and said, " Ham again!, If I get a Ham
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Ham and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to
him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas!, I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

(Oh this is GOOD!!)?
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife.

She said, "Don't look at me". "The idiot makes his own lunch

Answer 3

You think you have a bad day? Recall the characters in American Beauty? Father jerked off in the morning as best time of the day. Daughter pissed at his dad eyeing all her girl friends, Mom screwed the Realtor King. Man next door was a gay psycho, mom was nutty and son a manipulator...

Answer 4

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs on a tennis court? Annette

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs who is covered with oil? Derek

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs, head or torso? Dick

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs on a stage? Mike

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs between two slices of bread? Patty

What do you call a person with no arms and no legs on your front door step? Matt

... I can go on forever....

Answer 5

Q: Why does it take women longer to reach orgasm than men?




A: Who cares.

Answer 6

if a man speaks and there are no women around to hear him is he still wrong