Who can make me laugh?

Question

Simple 1 now.The 10 points will go to the person who makes me laugh the most.

Can be with a joke or a funny story(true or otherwise)or whatever you like.

Answer 1

A Pagan in Hell
A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?"
The Pagan asks, "Where am I?"
Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven."
The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."
Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"
"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to Summerland."
Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily closed for remodeling."
"What should I do now?"
Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and to the left."
The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear streams of water.
He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a Pagan?"
"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"
Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill."
Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air. Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.
The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what was THAT ???"
Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians; they wouldn't have it any other way."

Answer 2

well i went to this concert, i don't know if you know who miranda lambert is,(she's a country singer) she fell on stage (she was ok and didn't get hurt or anything)and it was pretty funny her band was even laughing at her. I don't know if thats real funny (not being there to see it) it was funny seeing it though


or here's a joke called
The Price is Right


A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen, and walked over to inspect it. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escaped her. Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you'll sh!t when you hear the price."

Answer 3

I don't know about you but i liked this one.

A man sat in the waiting room while his wife was having a baby
there were two other men in the waiting room.

The nurse comes in and tells the first guy " good news you are having twins" he said " What a coincidence I work for Two Minnesota Co. "

Later the nurse comes in and tells the second guy "congratulations your having triplets" he says" another coincidence I work for 3M Co."

then the man stands up and say" I gotta get out of here, I work for 7-up."

Answer 4

desperately need hearing aids...

Three old guys are out walking.First one says, "Windy,
isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I.Let's go get a beer."
***

A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new
hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but
it's state of the art.It's perfect." "Really,"
answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
***

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get
a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris
walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on
his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't
you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said,'You've
got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

Answer 5

A hypnotist was entertaining at a senior citizen home. After performing some "tricks" the hypnotist asked the audience to follow the watch. All eyes were on the watch as it was swaying back and forth. The hypnotist was soothingly talking to the audience, " You are feeling sleepy, very sleepy." All of a sudden the hypnotist dropped the watch and said, "Oh s***!!!" It took them three days to clean up.

Answer 6

True question"s attendants have been asked in America ??:::::::::::::::
::::::::::::::::::::
Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Answer 7

Check out this person's answers! Most of them make me laugh - they're hilarious!
http://au.answers.yahoo.com/my/profile;_ylt=Ah3v_XgzM0siEYWj0Uk665fg5gt.?show=NFXs7BbXaa

and here's another little funny bit from me;

We have the funniest ad on tv here in oz. It's for insurance, and the guy's standing in his backyard telling how he accidently crashed into a charter boat. His wife's in the background hanging out the washing, commenting, 'how can you miss a charter boat'. He continues, then it cuts to a shot of her with a towel over her head, wandering around, going, 'charter boat?....what charter boat?'
At work one day a collegue was telling a story of how he crashed his car into a mountain (he said it was either a mountain or over a cliff or something like that). Well you can guess what my next line was. I grabbed a tea towel over my head & wandered around....'mountain?.....what mountain?' Got a few laughs outa that one!!!!! Perfect set up!

A funny joke from Sniffels323;
http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AurT21wj1.9nF.k2wsGGRW3h5gt.?qid=20070326072820AAg0Tgg&show=7#profile-info-aedb4a50e7d12b975a94f3a4003b8e93aa

And another joke: Bloody vampires, from amateurgrower;
http://au.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AvuNBV8v51106YQtwXBbFUrh5gt.?qid=20070325114155AAYYhf5&show=7#profile-info-8c60decad2a755ce9b05fa1fca8b538eaa

Answer 8

If Ms. Rodham-Clinton is elected to the Office of President Marm, she's sure to push her National Health Care Reform on the Nation. Since I know it's coming (assuming of course that she gets elected), I already have a name for her Plan.

The Shrill Hill Pill Deal.

OK, I know it's not side-splitting funny (because if she gets elected, it WON'T BE FUNNY), but give me 10 points for making it up at 2:20 AM on a Sunday morning.

Answer 9

There was a king that had a beautiful daughter, and he wanted to give the man in the land the chance to win his daughters had, or take over his kingdom.

So he gathered all the man in the land to took to a lake filled with hungry alligators.
He say " here ye here ye,,,,,and man that can swim across this lake without getting ate up by the hungry alligators can either have half of what i own or my daughters hand in marriage."

At first no one went in, then all of a sudden a man jumped in, and he swam and swam with all of his might to get to the other side. The king and all the man in the land quickly ran to the other side.

The man bent over with his hands on his knees trying to catch his breathe,
The king say congratulations you made it you made it, he say " and for that i will keep my word.

The king says so do you want my daughters hand in marriage,

the man huffing and puffing says "NO"
the king says do you want my daughters hand in marriage
the man huffing and puffing says "NO"

The king confused says okay you don't want half of what i own, and you don't want my daughters hand in marriage, well then what do you want.

The man say "Huh Huh Huh .........I WANNA KNOW Huh Huh Huh ..........WHO PUSHED ME IN THAT WATER?"

Answer 10

One of my favorite jokes of all time:



Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."