What's the best joke you've heard?

Question

Share your jokes!

Answer 1

I LMAO at men never listen!

I may get in trouble for this but...

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to her OBGYN. The nurse pulls her in to the office, and tells her to "strip down and put on the gown. The doctor will be in in a minute."

The male doctor comes in the examining room and he is astonished. This woman was beautiful!

He is trying to maintain his composure, he is the doctor after all.

He pulls down the top of her gown and starts massaging her breasts. He asks "Do you know what I am doing?"
She replies, "Yes, you are checking for and lumps or abnormalities".

The, he starts rubbing her leg. "Do you know what I am doing now?"
"Yes. you are checking for dermatological abnormalities."

Finally, the doctor is SO turned on by this woman that he cannot take it anymore. He wants her NOW!

He pulls down his pants and inserts himself into her. He slowly starts the groove and then he asks her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yeah, @$$hole. Getting herpes. That is why I came in here in the first place!"

Answer 2

A guard is standing at the gate to the afterlife and for every 3 people only one get to go to heaven. three men appear one after the other and he asks them what their stories of death are, individually.
Man 1 says: "Well, I'd known my wife was having an affair for a long time, so I came home early to try and catch her in the act. I looked around the house and heard her in the shower, so I searched for the man. Upon entering the living room, I saw a man dangling from my balcony rail by the tips of his fingers, so I ran and got a hammer to make him let go. He fell 2 stories, but didnt die, so in a fit of rage I shoved the refridgerator out on top of him aswell. Then I felt so bad, I took my own life."
Man 2 says: "I had recently bought a new aerobics video, and was practising in my living room. I opened my french windows onto the balcony so I could use that aswell, but in the process of attempting a flip I fell over the edge of the balcony. I grabbed for dear life and caught on to a balcony rail about 3 stories below. Then this crazy guy came out and started hammering my fingers, so I fell 2 stories - but didn't die. The last thing I saw was the underside of a refridgerator."
Man 3: "Picture this: you're naked, in a refridgerator."

Answer 3

A Bunny Story

Once there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.
Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. Once the man knew what had happened, he quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, laying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter bunny.

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter bunny!"

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertable. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.

The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter Day, and it's all my fault."

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"

The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

Answer 4

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the
garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're kidding me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

Answer 5

i know quite a few good jokes, but this is probably the best.

moses, jesus, and an old man are out golfing one day. moses is the first up. he drives the ball hard but it goes into the pond on the course. moses parts the water and hits the golf ball onto the green.

jesus is next. he hits the ball and it goes into the pond as well. jesus walks on the water and hits the ball which goes on the green, too.

the old man is last. he hits it into the water, too. suddenly, a frog grabs the golf ball and jumps onto a lilypad. a hawk swoops down from the sky, clutches the frog in its talons and carries it over the green. the frog drops the ball onto the green which bounces a few times and rolls into the hole for a hole in one.

moses turns to jesus and says, "i hate golfing with your dad."

Answer 6

Man drives down a road.
Woman drives up the same road.
They pass each other.
She yells out the window "PIG!!"
He yells out the window "B**CH"
Man goes around a curve and hits a huge pig in the middle of the road.
Man dies.
Moral of the story: Men never listen.

Answer 7

lol@men never listen

2 peanuts walking down the street, one was a salted

Answer 8

what do you do when you see an NRA memeber with one leg? Stop laughing and reload!

Answer 9

Q) Why did the chicken cross the road?

A) Because he has aids.

Answer 10

dane cook's fast food prank!