Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

last blonde joke, i promise...

Two blondes were in a darkened theatre. One whispers to the other, "The guy next to me is jerking off."

"Just ignore him," her friend said.

"I can't," replied the first woman. "He's using my hand."

2007-09-04 02:17:05 · 10 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST !

It only takes 30 seconds....... Work this out as you read.

Make sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's GOOD. (yeah right)

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have sex. (try for more than once)







2. Multiply this number by







2 (Just to be bold)







3. Add 5. (for Sunday)







4. Multiply it by 50. (being a bit stupid) l'll wait while you get the calculator................







5. lf you have already had your birthday this year add 1750. lf you haven't, add 1749.







6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born. (if you remember)







You should now have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have sex each week.)

The second two digits are your age and it shows.

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2000) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE ISN'T IT?

2007-09-04 02:16:13 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a toy shop and asks the salesperson, "How much for one of Those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95,

Shopping Barbie for $19.95,

Beach Barbie for $19.95,

Disco Barbie for $19.95,

Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,

Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,

Skater Barbie for $19.95,

And Divorced Barbie for $265.95"

The amazed father asks: "You what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: Sir, "Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and One of Ken's Friends.

2007-09-04 02:14:48 · 8 answers · asked by @_@ 4

A blonde pulls in her driveway and walk into her house. She smells smoke as she opens the door and realizes her house is on fire. She grabs the phone and dials 911 to call the fire department to report the fire.

The operator on the other end answers and the blonde screams frantically, "Help, my house is on fire!"

The operator tries to calm the blonde and asks her what her address is. The blonde says, "123 Oak Street, please hurry!"

The operator then asks the blonde, "How do we get there?"

The blonde replies, "DUH, in a big red truck!"

2007-09-04 02:12:51 · 12 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My p enis died today."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she says to Mr. Goldstein, "please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his p enis hanging out of his pyjamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "I thought you told me your p enis had died?"

"It did," he replied. "Today's the viewing."

2007-09-04 02:10:57 · 10 answers · asked by vixen xx 3

one day a woman arrived at the pearly gates, she saw her family and other loved ones who died before her sitting at a feast and waving at her. a angel walked up and she asked him how she could get in, he said she should spell love... easily she gained access. months later she was on gate duty, and her husband arrived. how have you been she asked... great since you died he replied, the woman i cheated on you with became my wife, the best sex i ever had, i sold our little house for a mansion and i have never been happier. but how do i get in???? you have to spell a word she said. what word he asked?? Hyperemesis gravidarum she replied.

2007-09-04 00:28:34 · 6 answers · asked by MissPresley 2

This is a heads up to those friends who haven't experienced it yet, and an explanation to those friends and family who have. Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

2007-09-04 00:26:56 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

My name is Luiz an I am from Brazil. I decided to put my joke here because it can not be translated to Portuguese. It is one of my best jokes. Enjoy!!!


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery
where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked
vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go
by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing,
"We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

CELEB R ATE!!!"

2007-09-04 00:07:24 · 6 answers · asked by Luiz Sabra 7

vodka is always stiff.......
it doesnt look smaller in the cold........
it lasts as long as u want it to........
it doesnt prod u in the back in the mornings demanding attention........
& u can have as many vodkas as u like in 1 nite without being easy.......
u can enjoy a vodka in front of ur mom.........
and last but not least
VODKA IS ALWAYS A PLEASURE 2 SWALLOW!!!!

2007-09-03 23:43:11 · 7 answers · asked by *mommy to 3 boys* 4

A biology professor is discussing the high glucose levels found in human semen.
A female student raises her hand and says, "Glucose is raw sugar. Why doesn`t it taste sweet?"
The whole class starts laughing, and as the girl realizes what she`s said, her face turns bright red, and she picks up her books and starts to run out of class.
As she`s going out the door, the professor says, "It doesn`t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue, and not on the back of your throat."

2007-09-03 23:38:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Prime Minister was visiting one of finest hospitals and during his tour of the wards, he passed a room where one of the male patients was masturbating.
"Oh God," said the PM, "that`s disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?"
The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry sir, but this man has a very serious condition where his testicles fill up rapidly with semen. If he doesn`t do what he is doing at least 5 times per day, he could swell up and he might die"
"Oh, I am sorry," said the PM, "I was unaware that such a medical condition existed."
On the same floor they soon passed another room where a young, blonde nurse was performing oral sex on another patient.
"Oh my God," said the PM, "What`s happening here?"
The doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

2007-09-03 23:32:23 · 7 answers · asked by Oh My God! 6

take this for what it is...A JOKE...No offence Meant...
> A Somali arrives in Dublin as a new immigrant to Ireland.
> He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,
> 'Thank you Mr. irish man for letting me in this country, giving me free
> housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free education and all
> wonderful social monetary benefits!'
> The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Polish.'
> The man goes on and encounters another passerby.
> 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Ireland!'
> The person says, 'I not Irish, I from Croatia.'
> The new arrival walks further and the next person he sees he stops,
> shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Ireland!'
> That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Iran, I am not Irish!'
> He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Irish?'
> She says, 'No, I am from Iraq!'
> Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Irish people?'
> The Iraqi lady checks her watch and says............'Probably at work!'
>

2007-09-03 22:25:17 · 16 answers · asked by vlf126 3

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2007-09-03 21:54:03 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.




The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."




He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.


Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . .




So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"


His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"


With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... "CELEBRATE !!! "

2007-09-03 21:52:37 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Thanks to those alrady answer but incase if you have more info I would be very happy. I just buried her a hour ago. i had three dog but only one got it. this morning they share the food but nothing happened to other two. i was woundaring what could happened to her. she usually just nice to the owner which is me and my family but don't get alone with outsider so much unless you she want it. that why i want to know what could happened to her. I am not saying she was piosoned but it make me think that way. she has be healthy and playful in last couple day and nothing wrong but just this morning. so i was seaking you answer. thanks for your concern and valuable comment

2007-09-03 21:46:51 · 3 answers · asked by naing h 1

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

2007-09-03 21:41:56 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know."

2007-09-03 21:19:32 · 22 answers · asked by "!" 5

Gotta Love The Irish and God Bless Them.

Gotta Love The Irish
>
> Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
> important
> meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
>
> Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me.
>
> If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
> rest
> of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey".
>
> Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
>
> Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
>
>
> ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~
>
>
> Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
> he
> meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
>
> The man said, "I do Father."
>
> The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
>
> Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
>
> "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
> against
> the wall," said the priest.
>
> Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
> to
> heaven?
>
> O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
>
> The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
> you
> die you don't want to go to heaven?"
>
> O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group
> together to go right now."
>
> +++++++++ +++++++++ ++++++++
>
> Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting, and watching the
> traffic
> cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and
> shouted, "Okay pedestrians" . Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
>
> He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
>
> After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy
> went
> over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
>
>
> ++++++++ +++++++++ +++++
>
> Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
> the
> obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend
> Finney.
>
> "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
>
> "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
>
> +++++++++ +++++++++ +++++
>
> An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
> speeding
> in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
> and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir,
> have you been drinking?"
>
> "Just water," says the priest.
>
> The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
>
> The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it
> again!"

2007-09-03 20:44:07 · 18 answers · asked by PC 7

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, Please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, Please no gray
And as for my belly, Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done.

Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.
4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Foot Note:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts

2007-09-03 20:36:11 · 14 answers · asked by Gina B 4

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
Perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Golly, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird ..."
"Oh yeah?" the man asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked,I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't
see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me 'cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20.
Just make the guy an offer!"
The man offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if
I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at
the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy says incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."
Then the frantic man screams, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

2007-09-03 20:17:09 · 11 answers · asked by Gina B 4

.. they're having sex .

How can I stop my Teen Son and Daughter not to sleep together ?
My Son Just turned 19 and
MY Daughter is 18 year old

2007-09-03 19:38:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Consent
One summer a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires.

He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way.

She immediately reported this to the police and Jacques was arrested.

On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady.

Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said, "Non! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!"

"Sir," the judge said, "in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You must have her consent!"

After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "Cuntscent! Hi got her cuntscent! Hi got her cuntscent on my fingers, cuntscent on my mustache, hi got her cuntscent everywhere!"

2007-09-03 19:14:53 · 6 answers · asked by gangrekalve k 7

He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your thing is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
..............
Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was
always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit."

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever
smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's
your excuse then?

2007-09-03 19:11:04 · 3 answers · asked by Conan 3

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about p u $ $ y, and their
b**ch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks,
"What's a pussy?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary
and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son
then asks "What's a *****?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a
picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a *****."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television.
The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father
doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his
Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle
around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about
asks "Then, what is a *****?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

2007-09-03 18:59:17 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Iron

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Lino?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I

7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

10. Recycling Skills II: Polystyrene that Came in the Boxes that the electronics Came In

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Shaving Stubble from the Sink

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Oxfam

15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

16. No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

19. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Videos That Don't Fall under the "Action/Adventure" Category

20. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

21. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Toilet

22. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

23. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

24. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

25. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

2007-09-03 18:54:39 · 16 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A priest, a minister and a rabi decide to find out who was best at their job, so they each went into the woods to find a bear and convert him.

When they got together, the priest says
"I read to a bear The Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water, next week is his first communion."

The minister tehn says
"I found a bear near a river and read to him the Words of the Lord. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptise him."

Then the two look down at the rabi in a full body cast. The rabi says
" Looking back, maybe I shouldnt have started with circumcision"

2007-09-03 18:22:45 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink. The women says, "Sure, if you **** me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ***."

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside.

The women says, "**** me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, ***** her with it and throws it out the window.

The women opens her eyes and asks for it again. The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water.

The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "**** the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

2007-09-03 18:18:28 · 25 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

A blonde walks into a bar and looks around. There is no pool table, no dart board, no juice box. She asked the bar tender,"What do you guys do for fun around here."

The bar tender picks up a bat a walks over to an ape in the coner of the room. He hits it over the head and it goes crazy. It jumps all over the place. Then it runs to the bar tender and gives him oral sex. After the bar tender cleaned up the mess he started to hand the bat to the blond. He said," you want to give it a try."

The blond looks at him and goes," Ok just don't hit me to hard!"

2007-09-03 17:40:59 · 28 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

I am about to go to bed but I had fun. Thanks for playing with me everyone.

Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.

The three men started talking and bragging about their sons. The first man told the others "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son is a car salesman, and now owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.

The third man , not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them at the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The fist man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and a go-go dancer at a gay bar." The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, and brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

2007-09-03 16:29:19 · 20 answers · asked by Patty M 5

A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring,
"Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..."
"Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."

How do you get a Highlander onto the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.

2007-09-03 16:25:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous