Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Out law's are wanted.............

Do you have this problem?

2007-09-30 11:08:27 · 11 answers · asked by endac 3

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says,
"Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

2007-09-30 10:49:08 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

There's this drunk staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand.
He keeps staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally detained by a policeman ...
PM: "What's the problem, buddy?"
DRUNK: "Someone stole my car! *hic*"
PM: "Where did you last see it?"
DRUNK: "It was right here on the end of my car key ..."
PM: "Uh huh. Did you happen to notice your fly is open?"
DRUNK: *Looking down at his fly* "Omigod occifer! Someone stole my girlfriend, too!"

2007-09-30 10:46:01 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

I think the parents gave her sleep medication and she died so they some how hid her.

2007-09-30 10:33:20 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Elmer Fudd got home from hunting the wascally wabbit Bugs.He was tired that he wanted a cold drink from the fwidge.When he opened the fridge,he saw Bugs Bunny sitting inside the fwidge.Hey;you wascully wabbit,what are you doing in my fridge?Well this is a Westinghouse isn't it?

2007-09-30 10:31:46 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-30 10:18:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

from the local hardware store. Three or four miles down the road from the store, the taxi got a flat tire. The lady driver got out of the car and was banging on the hub cap with a hammer trying to get it off. She was cursing and carrying on, but the hub cap wouldn't move. The passenger rolled down the window and said to her, "Hey! You want a screw driver?" The lady driver threw the hammer across the street and said, "We may as well. I'm never going to get this tired changed !!!"

2007-09-30 10:14:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three english tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching

Llanfair pwllgwyngyllgogery chwyrndrobwllllanty siliogogogoch,

they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiiiing."

2007-09-30 10:08:44 · 24 answers · asked by daffydd max 3

2007-09-30 10:03:27 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm the ruler of shovels,
I have a double,
I'm as thin as a knife,
I have a wife,
What am I?

2007-09-30 09:54:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can’t, they have always been like that.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven’t met!

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that’s where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What’s a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don’t blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can’t find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ***?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: “Fun fun fun worry worry worry”
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry….

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. “Way to go team!”

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What’s the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO’s have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out on the screen.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it…

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. “Are you sure it’s mine?”

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch ‘n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I’m going to fall again!

2007-09-30 09:52:40 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

2007-09-30 09:47:07 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy sees a sign in front of a house “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.”You talk?” he asks.”Yep,” the mutt replies.”So, what’s your story?”The mutt looks up and says “Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what hewants for the dog. The owner says “Ten dollars.” The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?” The owner replies, “He’s such a ******* liar.”

2007-09-30 09:42:29 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men are like ... newborn babies
They're cute at first, but you get tired of picking up their crap.

Men are like ... Coffee
The best ones are rich, hot and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never enough memory.

Men are like ... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like ... Chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Power tools
They make a lot of noise, but it's hard to get them to work.

Men are like ... Remote controls
Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

Men are like .... Shag carpets.
Soft, fuzzy and extremely easy to walk on.

Men are like ... Vacuum cleaners
They're not much fun, but at least you get to push them around.

Men are like ... Road kill
They usually just lie around until they start to smell.

Men are like ... Soap operas
They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.

Men are like ... Pillows
Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.

Men are like ... Old car tires
Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a spare.

Men are like ... Plastic wrap
Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.

Men are like ... Department stores
Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like ... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

2007-09-30 09:41:59 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

One says to the other...we need to play better than this...we're playing in the cup next week....

2007-09-30 09:28:57 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

one says to the other, " Bloody hot in here isn't it " " You wait till you get out side " says the other " They smash your head in"

2007-09-30 09:24:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

one says to the other, " Bloody hot in here isn't it " " You wait till you get out side " says the other " They smash your head in"

2007-09-30 09:24:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?''
''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?''

''I'm Jim.''

''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??''

''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!''

So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says.

''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey.

''Is it your brother?''

''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.

When he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?''

Stacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved.

''Then, it must be your boyfriend!''

Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!''

''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks.

Stacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!''

2007-09-30 09:09:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy.

"I'm not going to trust a Revenue genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.

Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

2007-09-30 08:41:38 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? "

"The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than anyone I know. It means someone stole the tent.

2007-09-30 08:35:38 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come to the
confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.

2007-09-30 08:30:17 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word. When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.", and I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go." We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day; we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable." "Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out… carrying a big birthday cake, ....followed by my wife and children. All were smiling and singing Happy Birthday. ... and there on the couch I sat….with nothing on but my socks....

2007-09-30 08:30:10 · 6 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO!

2007-09-30 08:24:30 · 10 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma! 's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at
the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands
up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says........ "Grandpa,...... Go home, you're drunk"

2007-09-30 08:24:00 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

why was the blonde so pleased when she completed a puzzle in 6 weeks. because it said 2-4 years

2007-09-30 08:13:16 · 6 answers · asked by BEN S 2

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

2007-09-30 08:04:39 · 12 answers · asked by BEN S 2

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you can ask him".

2007-09-30 08:02:20 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

ok so there was this snail who wanted a new car so he went to the car dealership.
he gets there and tells the car salesman, "I would like a new car with a big 'S' painted on it."
the car salesman says, "Why?"
and the snail replies, "So everyone can look at me and say, 'look at that s-car-go!'"

2007-09-30 07:59:02 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Last night I got up to go potty, and as I passed the front of the toilet I stepped in a pile of cat poop. Full sqwish thru the toes action. Our cat box is kept in my 16 yr old daughters bedroom,(as they are her cats) she went to sleep with the door closed. So my question is what is the funniest stepped in story you can muster???

2007-09-30 07:54:22 · 5 answers · asked by dingydarla 3

i need to make my jeans tighter so i can wear dem cuz my mom buyz dem huge i cant go 2 skool wit baggy jeans

2007-09-30 06:30:08 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous