Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams.

"When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad." Helen Rowland

"I have never really understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts already well catered for in any respectable domestic establishment." Alan Bennett

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." Jackie Mason

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." Leonardo Di Vinci.

"I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house." Lewis Grizzard.

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield.

2007-09-29 10:18:02 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Celebrity Computer Viruses
Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Britney Spears virus: Your two 3.5 inch floppies turn into 36D floppies.

Lorena Bobbit virus: Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus (AKA the Rosie virus): Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

Titanic virus: Makes your computer go down.

Disney virus: Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

Sharon Stone virus: Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

Tim Allen virus: Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

HBO virus: Runs the same programs over and over, week after week after week.

Woody Allen virus: Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

NFL Blackout virus: Will only let you run progams on a remote terminal that's more than 75 miles away.

Linda Tripp virus: Makes copies of your personal files and forwards them to the authorities.

Bill Clinton virus: Your computer displays only porn and emits cigar smoke.

Al Gore virus: Runs quietly in background mode but doesn't appear to really do much of anything.

Dick Vitale virus: Makes your computer very loud and obnoxious, detracting from the program you're actually trying to view.

Tonya Harding virus: Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files.

Jerry Seinfeld virus: Program about nothing that exits when you're really enjoying it.

Pee Wee Herman virus: Exposes your confidential files to everyone.

AT&T virus: Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

2007-09-29 09:36:46 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

ID Ten T Error
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I wrote out ....... I D 1 0 T

2007-09-29 09:34:51 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

You can't read THIS and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

2007-09-29 09:32:50 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

2007-09-29 09:05:35 · 7 answers · asked by ☠CHUCKY ☠™ 7

when he had a w*** and his hand caught fire

2007-09-29 08:51:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

WW III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"

2007-09-29 08:22:41 · 13 answers · asked by sweetxoblivion 2

Men are like .......Laxatives ...... They irritate the **** out of you.

Men are like ....... Bananas ...... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....... Vacations ...... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ....... Weather ...... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ....... Blenders ...... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ....... Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ....... Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ....... Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ....... Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ....... Mascara ...... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ....... Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ...... Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ....... Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ....... Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are gay.

2007-09-29 07:38:34 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

nothing that would make them mad

2007-09-29 07:28:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

3 men of religion are sitting by a cliff talking. one is christian, one is arabic and one is a rabbi. What appears to be God comes down and says; "if you faith is strong enough, you will jump off that cliff and declair your faith in me and before you land on the rocks below, one of my angels will swoop down and save you" So the christian goes first, as he jumps, he yells: "you are my savior,lord jesus, and I love you!" And as promised an angel swoops down and saves him. The Arabic man goes next, "Allah, all my love and faith to you" he yells as he jumps over, and another swoops down to save him. Finally the rabbi goes and as he jumps declairs his devotion, but nothing happens, he barely has time to do it again, louder, but nothing happens and he crashes onto the rocks below. Just then another angel appears beside the being thought to be God and says" Adolph, you're such a dick!

2007-09-29 07:17:10 · 4 answers · asked by Snakebite 1

1) A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there.

They didn't want their son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big ***** and the girls with really, really big boobs are both really, really dumb people."

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb female, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

2) 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female...Any part under a car's hood.
b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup."

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention.
b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.

2007-09-29 07:15:15 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

2007-09-29 07:11:28 · 10 answers · asked by puma 4

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

2007-09-29 07:08:28 · 20 answers · asked by puma 4

Titanic ...

Everybody in the ship is shouting, crying, running or praying to God... Just then a Italian asks the nearby Blonde in the ship.

Italian : How far is land, from here ?

Blonde : Two miles ..

Italian : Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I have got the experience of swimming even more.

The Italian jumps off the ship into the sea and comes up to the layer to ask something again.

Italian : Just tell me which side, is land two miles from here ?

Blonde : Downwards ...
_____________________

2007-09-29 07:07:47 · 7 answers · asked by Haitham Emad 7

Let's face it: English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
And while no one knows what is in a hotdog,
you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.

English muffins were not invented in England
nor French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted.
But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square,
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write,
but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,
and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?
Is cheese the plural of choose?
One mouse, 2 mice.
One louse, 2 lice.
One house, 2 hice ?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
what does a humanitarian eat?

2007-09-29 06:42:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Stevie Wonder answering the iron

PS I like Stevie Wonder but this made me laugh!

2007-09-29 06:34:39 · 17 answers · asked by claire r 3

A lawyer was reading the last will and testament of the deceased, to the heir's of his fortune.

"To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave the house and $2 million."

The lawyer continued, "To my beautiful daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going. I leave you the yacht, the business and $1 million."

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will - well you are wrong once again.

Hi Dan!"

2007-09-29 06:15:26 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Genial
Smart
Not Stupid
not as stupid to make a poll on how stupid you are du.mb @ss
Click Here, if you don't know
Very
Fairly
Smart but lazy...
brain dead
other (specify )

2007-09-29 05:10:17 · 19 answers · asked by ? 3

the elephants are coming

2007-09-29 05:05:16 · 20 answers · asked by lpoolfan233 2

2007-09-29 04:56:15 · 3 answers · asked by guy_thirty 1

Best answer will be chosen on best straight answer that can also be read as a double-entendre. (sp?)

2007-09-29 04:53:47 · 6 answers · asked by balloon buster 6

2007-09-29 04:43:35 · 8 answers · asked by mich 4 3

i have no face but everyone knows me.I grow stronger and bigger as i age,and i'm impossible to track.I ruin friendships relationships and jobs.What am i?

2007-09-29 04:38:04 · 8 answers · asked by Deleted! 2

I have just been to the gym and there's a new machine. I only used it for an hour as I started to feel sick! It's good though.

It's got KitKats, Mars Bars, Mini Cheddars, Crisps Everything!!!!

2007-09-29 03:55:32 · 15 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of WIFE.
It means...Without Information Fighting Everytime!
WIFE says No, it means -
With Idiot for Ever

2007-09-29 03:36:00 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a man is looking for his golf shoes. When he looks under his bed, he finds a shoebox with 3 eggs,$28 dollars in quarters and a roll of cash with 3,500 wrapped in a rubber band.

He asks his wife "Honey what is with the shoebox with the eggs and the money?"

The wife breaks down and tells the husband, "Everytime I have cheated on you, I placed an egg in the shoebox."

The husband contemplates this for a moment then states "I am hurt, but we have been married for 32 years, so I suppose 3 indiscrections in that many years can be forgiven."

Then the man asks, "But what is the cash for?"

The wife states "Everytime I collected a dozen, I sold them for a quarter."

Peace=)

2007-09-29 03:13:24 · 9 answers · asked by andrew c 2

1)Write the letters George Washington.2) Take out all the E's.3)Counting the remaing letters, add L after each 7th letter.4)Move the second G to the begining and put the last letter in it's place. 5)Where ever 3 consonants appear together change them in order so that the first consonant in the group becomes the last the second becomes the first & the third becomes the second.6) Take out the last two vowels.7) Where ever a double consonant appears take out both letters.8) Begining with the third from the left interchange each two letters until you get to the end. 9) Take out the last two letters. 10) Move the last letter so that it will be first. 11) Add a D after each fourth letter and at the begining. 12) Replace every s with an n.13) Take out the three middle letters. 14) Drop the first letter.... You will change the name of the American President to a name of a country in Europe.

2007-09-29 03:11:41 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old lady phoned the Fire Brigade and told them
her kitchen was on fire. 'Right' said the fireman taking
the call. 'How do we get there?'
'Don't you have your little red fire-engine any more?'
queried the lady.

2007-09-29 02:52:20 · 14 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Hint: Take the letter F out of the word WEIGH

Peace=)

2007-09-29 02:33:45 · 16 answers · asked by andrew c 2

grandson says in a loud voice-look at that fat lady grandad--- grandad scolds the lad and tells him not to be so rude.boy is suitably sorry .just then the lady's mobile goes off--- watch out grandad,-the boy shouts-- she's backing up.!!

2007-09-29 01:25:43 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous