Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Does good luck chuck have any nudity in it. Cause I wanna take my litte bro to it but I dont know if it has nudity.

2007-09-28 17:42:33 · 5 answers · asked by THE MAN 2

What is big and yellow and comes in the morning to brighten a mother's day?

2007-09-28 17:28:32 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
I work in a damp environment.
I don't get paid overtime.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.




Dear Penis,

after assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep on the job after brief periods of time.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.
You do not take initiative, you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You do not always observe necessary safety regulations such has wearing the correct protective clothing.
You'll retire before reaching 65.
You're unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
Management

2007-09-28 17:27:22 · 10 answers · asked by dragonmaiden1984 2

Three men went on a business trip. At the end of the day they decided to rent a hotel for a night. So, they went around town searching for a hotel. Finally, they found one. Unfortunately, there was only one room available, but it had a king-size bed.

The men thought for a minute and decided to take it. All of them slept together on the same bed.

In the morning they shared their night experiences. The man who slept on the left said that he had a dream that somebody was playing with his penis. The man who slept on the right said exactly the same thing.

The man who slept in the middle wondered for a second and said: "Strange! I dreamt I was skiing."

2007-09-28 17:23:56 · 5 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her all at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, the Poodle decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one of you who uses the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Labrador Retriever speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle, "that shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um...I HATE liver and cheese!" blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle, "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you?"

The last of the three males is a handsome exiled Cuban dog. He gives her a big smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says... "Liver alone, Cheese mine."

2007-09-28 16:59:26 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-28 16:04:52 · 15 answers · asked by princessyvonne881965 2

I'm bored and I wanna hear about some.

2007-09-28 16:04:26 · 3 answers · asked by S 7

can you guys tell me some good blonde/yo momma jokes please? no offence to anybody, i just think their hilarious. thanx =D

2007-09-28 14:59:11 · 12 answers · asked by harrypotter addict 2

because mine has, but im trying to stay happy.
smiles.
sunshine
daisies
people falling down stairs.
puffy clouds
soft green grass
watching people be walked by their dogs.
hehe
i'll give 10 points to whoever can tell the best joke.

i really don't care if its PC or not. as long as its funny.

2007-09-28 13:21:15 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob, a retired sea dog visits a prostitute.

After a minute or two on the job, he enquires, "How am I doing m'dear?"

"In naval language, you're steaming ahead at three knots." she replies.

"How do you mean?" demands the sea dog, Bob.

"You're not in, you're not hard, and you're not getting your money back, was her reply. :(

2007-09-28 12:53:52 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pingi the penguin is a long-haul truck driver. One day, while driving across a desert, his truck starts to play up. Spotting a garage in the distance, he coaxes his vehicle to it, and asks the mechanic to have look at it.

Finding the heat of the sun unbearable, as penguins are wont to do, Pingi retreats into the cafe and has a couple of cooling drinks. Still hot, he then has some ice-cream, but as penguins are not built to handle ice-cream (flippers being most unsuitable), most of the ice-cream ends up all over him.

Covered with ice-cream, he wanders back to where the mechanic is finishing up.

"How are things going?" asks Pingi.

"It looks like you've blown a seal," says the mechanic.

"No," replies Pingi, "it's ice-cream."

2007-09-28 12:49:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A couple have been married for fifteen years. One afternoon they are working in the garden together.

As the wife is bending over pulling weeds, the husband says, "Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your bum is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feelin' he needs to prove his point, gets a measuring tape, measures the grill and then measures his wife's bum.

"Yep," he says, "Just what I thought, they're about the same size!"

The wife gets very angry and decides to let him do the gardening alone. She goes inside and doesn't speak to her husband for the rest of the day.

That evening when they go to bed, the husband cuddles up to his wife and says, "How about it Honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolls over and turns her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asks.

She replies, "You don't think I'm going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?"

2007-09-28 12:35:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown." replied the teacher.

Smila from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Smila!! Of course not!"

"OK. Then I have definitely sh*t my pants."

2007-09-28 12:19:23 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nobody knows - they never get the house!

2007-09-28 12:04:13 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

2007-09-28 11:44:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit, it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror,
the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you. I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £400
New shirt - £36
New underwear - £6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS!

2007-09-28 11:36:41 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

man goes to vet and askes if anything can be done for his dog which has cross eyes...the vet picks up the dog and checks him carefully...."i will have to put him down "he says after the examination...
"what "says his owner "just because of his squint..?"
"no "replies the vet "hes getting heavy"....

2007-09-28 11:22:10 · 25 answers · asked by notgnal 6

I like socks!
I like socks!
i like socks!
they are warm and fuzzy!
i like socks!
i like socks!
: ) > ( bearded lady)

{ : o > (gnome)

< : ) (mideival princess)

2007-09-28 10:58:26 · 11 answers · asked by JohnFlippinBrown 3

i need blonde jokes!
the funny ones, not stupid ones, lol, please.
thanks=]
make me laughh ppl =]

2007-09-28 10:16:33 · 6 answers · asked by tazmaniandevil923 3

For those of us who need a dose of humor now and then...
We all need a Stripper Name...
See what your stripper name will be, and share it with us, your friends:
1. Use the third letter of your first name to get your new first name.
a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j = Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade
2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

2007-09-28 09:22:47 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this old coulple over 90 years, listening to a "holy radio station" when the preacher announced over the radio: "If you put one hand on the radio, and the other hand on a body part of yours that you want to be healed, I will heal it for you."
The old lady, puts one hand on the radio, the other one on her heart and the husband, puts one hand on the radio and one on his "private part".
The old lady looks at him and says: " He said he would heal it, not rise from the dead"!!

Please, star if you like it! Thank you!

2007-09-28 09:21:09 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-28 09:11:56 · 17 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

Beat your meat to the beat!

2007-09-28 08:55:04 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

a 13 year old boy came home from school and said to his dad "dad dad we have this new teacher and she is gorgeous how do i get her dad" the father replies " right tomorrow when you go to school take a walkie talkie and i will help you get her son" the next day little johnny went to school with a walkie talkie. " dad she is leaving the school what should i do"
father replies " follow her son follow her" the son follows and says " dad dad she is going into her house what should i do"
the father replies " son keep following her" johnny says " dad dad she is going upstairs what should i do" father replies " slowly follow her" johnny says " dad she has got naked in bed what should i do" father replies " right son strip naked and stuck the hairiest part of your body up hers" son replies " dad dad my heads stuck"

2007-09-28 08:53:09 · 23 answers · asked by Emma 2

pulled me inside their Limo gave me some info regarding OJ s case and left me in Mojave desert 7 miles away from a 7/11..... what do i do........ i might have a case

2007-09-28 08:16:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A scientist and his team want to see what makes more damage falling from an airplane a book, a brick, or a bomb. so they bring the items on a plane fly up thirty thousand feet and drop them one after the other. they then go down and find out how much damage they caused. they find their book and see that it has landed on a kids head and hes crying not nothing serious. the brick fell on a car and ended up denting the hood so they ran to the site of the bomb where they find a boy on the ground laughing histerically. They ask him what happened and he says "i was just standing here and i farted and my nieghbors house blew up.

Okay i gave you one now you give me one, i like long jokes Thanks

2007-09-28 08:15:52 · 7 answers · asked by tubulartweety 2

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

2007-09-28 08:15:29 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-28 07:49:02 · 52 answers · asked by Buddie 7

Husband notices wife is depressed and he asks her what’s wrong.
She says, “I really want to have implants so I can have larger breast.”
The husband says, “You don’t need implants, just rub your breasts with toilet paper.”
The wife thinks about it and asks, How’s toilet paper going to make my breast larger.”
The husbands say, “I don’t know, but it sure has worked great on your butt.”

2007-09-28 07:33:51 · 9 answers · asked by Abel O 2

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers,which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."

2007-09-28 07:10:04 · 10 answers · asked by miki 3