Anyone Got Any Funny Jokes?

Question

A scientist and his team want to see what makes more damage falling from an airplane a book, a brick, or a bomb. so they bring the items on a plane fly up thirty thousand feet and drop them one after the other. they then go down and find out how much damage they caused. they find their book and see that it has landed on a kids head and hes crying not nothing serious. the brick fell on a car and ended up denting the hood so they ran to the site of the bomb where they find a boy on the ground laughing histerically. They ask him what happened and he says "i was just standing here and i farted and my nieghbors house blew up.

Okay i gave you one now you give me one, i like long jokes Thanks

Answer 1

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly found himself
surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he said quietly to himself,

"Oh God, I'm screwed."

A ray of light fell from the sky and a voice boomed out,

"No, you are not screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and
bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you."

So the explorer picked up the stone and proceeded to bash the life out of the chief. He stood above the lifeless body,
breathing heavily, surrounded by 100 natives with looks of shock on their faces.

The voice boomed out again, "Okay, NOW you're screwed."















Becky was on her deathbed. Her husband, Jake, was maintaining a
vigil by her side. He held her fragile hand, tears ran down his
face. His praying roused her from her slumber. She looked up and
her pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling Jake," she whispered.

"Hush, my love," he said. "Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

She was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother,
your best friend and your father."

"I know darling," he replied. "That's why I poisoned you."


















A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of
him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender
shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of
alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!

The bartender ignores the whole affair.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he
reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.

The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....
then to the right.... right through the front door, into the
street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says,

"That boy should have quit while he was a head."
























The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at the thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet
you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go
wild with just a wave of my hand."

The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."

The Queen says, "Watch this."

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

The Pope thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "That's pretty impressive, but I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."

The Queen goes, "No way, you can't do that."

So the Pope headbutts her.


























Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?






























Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze
to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man.

"You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and
toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb
and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you,
how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my
wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home
unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone,
knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding
there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was
hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and
just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still
be alive."

Answer 2

HA! Your's was funny. This isn't a joke, but I thought it was funny.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
> GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
> BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
>

Answer 3

It's long but it's funny at the end... might make u happy for few sec :)


A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground .

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The Policeman, thinks I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence..."


*If that still does not make you happy... u can check this video i come across while surfing... very funny.
:-D
http://somethingtolaugh.blogspot.com/

Answer 4

you recognize you're a Redneck whilst... a million. you're taking your canine for a stroll and you the two use an identical tree. 2. you may entertain your self for greater suitable than quarter-hour with a fly swatter. 3. Your boat has no longer left the driveway in 15 years. 4. You burn your backyard quite than mow it. 5. you think of "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the intense dive. 6. The Salvation military declines your furnishings. 7. You grant to furnish somebody the shirt off your back and that they do no longer prefer it. 8. you have the close by taxidermist on velocity dial. 9. you come back from the sell off with greater suitable than you took. 10. you preserve a can of Raid on the kitchen table. eleven. Your spouse can climb a tree quicker than your cat. 12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas checklist. thirteen. you preserve flea and tick cleansing soap interior the bathe. 14. you have been in touch in a custody combat over a searching canine. 15. You bypass to the inventory motor vehicle races and don't prefer a software. sixteen. you recognize what proportion bales of hay your motor vehicle will carry. 17. you have a rag for a gas cap. 18. your domicile would not have curtains, yet your truck does. 19. You ask your self how provider stations shop their restroom's so sparkling. 20. you may spit without beginning off your mouth. 21. you communicate your motor vehicle plate personalised through fact your father made it. 22. Your lifetime objective is to very own a fireworks stand. 23. you have an entire set of salad bowls and that all of them say "Cool Whip" on the part. 24. the biggest city you have ever been to is Walmart. 25. Your working television sits on suitable of your non-working television. 26. you have used your ironing board as a buffet table. 27. A twister hits your community and does $one hundred,000 well worth of advancements. 28. you have used a rest room brush to scratch your back. 29. You missed your 5th grade commencement on account which you have been on jury accountability. 30. you think of rapid nutrition is hitting a deer at sixty 5. 31. in case your genealogy would not branch.....

Answer 5

Turkey

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, "Robert
doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a
misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought a frozen turkey loaf
and he yelled at me about the price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed, "Those turkey rolls
are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll, it was the
airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on
the back and it said, 'PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

Answer 6

STUTTERING

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings
are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well,", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went
'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "F**k", the rottweiler
ate him!"

Answer 7

Go to my profile and read the four jokes I posted about 3 hours ago.
By the way thanks for sharing your joke I loved it.