Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a 1/2 hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine .

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F*CK YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

2007-09-27 12:53:43 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, the demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word your're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

2007-09-27 12:51:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Men:

Drive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser
Insert card
Dial code and desired amount
Take the cash, the card and the slip

Women:

Drive to the bank
Engine stalled
Check make-up in the mirror
Apply perfume
Manually check haircut
Park the car - failure
Park the car - failure
Park the car - success
Search for the card in the handbag
Insert card, rejected by the machine
Throw phonecard back in handbag
Look for bank card
Insert card
Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag
Enter code
Study instructions for 2 minutes
#Cancel#
Re-enter code
#Cancel#
Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
Enter huge amount
#Error#
Enter large amount
#Error#
Enter smaller amount
Cross fingers
Take cash
Go back to the car
Check make up in rear mirror
Look for keys in handbag
Start car
Drive 50 meters
STOP
Drive back to bank machine
Get out of the car
Take card and ticket back from machine
Go back to the car
Throw card on passenger seat
Throw slip on the floor
Check make up in rear mirror again
& Head on their way to go shopping
Where they will spend all the money!

2007-09-27 12:24:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

2007-09-27 11:24:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two Scots, Archie & Jock, sittting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all going magic" says Jock. "I've got everything organised already; the church, the minister, the cars, the reception, even ma stag night."

Archie nods approvingly.

"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in," continues Jock.

"A kilt?" asks Archie. "That's great., you'll look so smart in that. What's the tartan?"
"Och" says Jock. "I reckon she'll just turn up in something white."

2007-09-27 11:02:47 · 13 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

Met in a pub one evening, there was an instant attraction. So after many drinks, Mr snow walked home miss May. When they got to her house, she invited him in for a coffee. A little while later, they were in bed doing what comes naturally. Mr snow said - Fancy that, snow in may!
Miss May said: yes, but I wish it was a foot deep!

2007-09-27 10:50:47 · 20 answers · asked by geoff29345 3

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on
the ground?
A. Shoot him again.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the
noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around
him.

or

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the
screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?
A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him.Then tell him to pick
only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!
Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman
to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"

2007-09-27 10:26:54 · 15 answers · asked by BRIAN M 5

Remember, you have to keep it clean or yahoo will censor you.

2007-09-27 10:02:49 · 9 answers · asked by plunderer61 2

2007-09-27 09:49:50 · 9 answers · asked by jalomjalom 2

I tells jokes thats HiLaRiOuS!!! But people say "that was stupid" "Not funny" " that was perty Lame"
But i looks at all the Other Jokes that everybody else tells....to Me those jokes Are "Dry" "Not funny" " pretty Lame" But Everybody ELSE thinks that theyre funny!(somebody told a dry,Lame "Irish Joke" it wasnt funny AT ALL,..But yet he gets STARRED but...Me...I get's SCARRed)

Am i goin crazy? OR do I just need to Permanently Retire from jokes?

2007-09-27 09:44:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'll start it out first and than you will bag back leaving your yo mama joke, I will give the best answer to the funniest Yo mama joke.

2007-09-27 09:42:27 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Saddam's Code


Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.

The NSA couldn't solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton.

He suggested turning the message upside down ...

2007-09-27 09:19:59 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Gee ward, you were a little rough on the beaver last night.

2007-09-27 09:18:14 · 9 answers · asked by out for justice. 5

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat these same steps for 3 weeks. The next time you come here, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded..."I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping!"



Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?

A: The cow fell on her.


A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's wrong?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard" says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

2007-09-27 09:00:23 · 6 answers · asked by ☆STAR☆ 3

what do you call a pair of robbers?





A pair of knickers

2007-09-27 08:52:54 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

orders three pints sits down and drinks the pint in turn goes back to the bar and orders the same again on his third visit the bartender says 'you do realise that the pint goes flat very quick after ive pulled it', the irish man replies 'its ok my brothers moved away one to america one to australia so we made a tradition that every time we go to the pub we have a drink for each other' 'oh very well thats a good custom you have' this carried on for about a month and then one day the irish man comes in and orders two pints on his on his third visit the bartender says to him 'I am sorry about your loss' 'oh says the irish thats ok nobody has died I just quit drinking'

2007-09-27 08:48:01 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers.

The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!"

To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.

So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!"

The groom replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon."

After a few more minutes, the bride can't wait any longer, so she rummages under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it, pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.

The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!

*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's **** in your box!!!"

Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...)
The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"

2007-09-27 08:46:36 · 13 answers · asked by bellatrix 6

Doc - "Hello. How can I help you?"

Man - "I've got an orange willy doc."

Doc - "What?"

Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."

Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up.... It seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?"

Man - "Not really."

Doc - "What about stress at work?"

Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack."

Doc - "That sounds very stressful."

Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great - half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated."

Doc - "Umm... what about your home life?"

Man - "Well, my girlfriend is a complete cow, she nags non-stop and puts me down every chance she gets."

Doc - "That sounds stressful."

Man - "Yeah, but I'm leaving her and I've never been happier."

Doc - "Umm... what about your social life?"

2007-09-27 08:46:35 · 8 answers · asked by J S 2

A blonde takes her broken car to be repaired,
fearing an expensive bill. But the mechanic
fixes it in 2 mins, "nothin serious love, just
sh it in the air filter." she replies "really?
how often do i have to do that?"

2007-09-27 08:23:46 · 24 answers · asked by Raine 5

What's the difference between a condom and a coffin???


You come in one and go in the other!!!

2007-09-27 08:20:25 · 14 answers · asked by cmcconnachie2000 3

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.

One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"

"Yes it is," the man replies.

"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.

"No thanks," the man replies.

"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.

"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.

"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.

"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.

"Yes it is," replies the man.

2007-09-27 08:05:54 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

for the girls,its goes some thing like this,for the boys they know the rules...


You have two sides,one out in the field and one in.each man thats in the side thats in,goes out
and when hes out he comes in, and the next man goes out. When they are all out,and the side thats out comes in, and the side thats been in goes out, and tries to get those coming in out, sometimes you get men still in and not out. when both sides have been in and out, including not outs, thats the end of the game HOWZAT!!

correct me if im wrong boys!!! l.o.l.

2007-09-27 07:59:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

no seriously it really is
it's not a joke apart from my age

best answer to nicest message pls

2007-09-27 07:58:33 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Stacie that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Stacie kept shouting "Oh my God."

2007-09-27 07:48:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-27 07:46:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

...

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The . See amazed woman asked
if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth.
I'm a one-wish genie. So... what will it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East
see this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews
and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man
.You know - one that's considerate and fun, hard
working, with a good education and a successful profession, accepts and respects me for who I am, is sensitive and willing to talk and listen,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, adores me and is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is absolutely faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that damn map again.

2007-09-27 07:23:52 · 7 answers · asked by miki 3

A blonde pulled into a garage with a car that had dents all over it. The mechanic thought "This should be interesting, I'm gonna get her good"
She walks in and asks how she can get the dents out of her car. He told her to go home and blow in the muffler and they would pop out. She thought this was awesome cuz she wouldn't have to pay for it.
She goes home and proceeds with blowing into the muffler but nothing happens.
Her friend comes over, blonde also, and asks what she is doing. She told her what the mechanic said and her friend says,
"Ya dumb ***, that won't work! You have to roll the windows up!"

2007-09-27 07:23:45 · 3 answers · asked by Jodi B 2

Read Below:

The mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly and walked in her son's house. She saw her daughter-in law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she replied. He responded, "Needs ironing!"

2007-09-27 07:22:10 · 7 answers · asked by Changed4the Better :-i 2

of the yacht has rungs that are one foot apart.at low tide there are ten and a half rungs showing. If the water at high tide has risen two an a half feet , how many rungs are visible?

2007-09-27 07:21:27 · 8 answers · asked by Radiator 4

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

"I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

"You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

"I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

"I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

2007-09-27 07:19:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous