Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching

2007-09-27 02:02:56 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of 12-year-old Scotch didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police."

2007-09-27 02:01:46 · 16 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Tell me any funny stories.
Also its a bad idea to give lsd to jehovahs they start talking twice as fast.

2007-09-27 01:45:38 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a hoot, but I suspect the minister didn't appreciate it.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
Said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song,
Let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to !!

See you at the river.

2007-09-27 01:31:36 · 12 answers · asked by fivelighters 4

what can jump higher than a house???

2007-09-27 01:29:53 · 9 answers · asked by . 2

Kermit's undivided attention.

2007-09-27 01:12:07 · 12 answers · asked by grassmonkeys 4

.A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
................................

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
...............................
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing. Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes. As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him. He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman. The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!

2007-09-27 01:08:46 · 11 answers · asked by ? 3

I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?

2007-09-27 00:59:10 · 18 answers · asked by Carle 1

Rules For Work


1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers' hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

2007-09-26 23:54:16 · 12 answers · asked by Oregon 3

well folks looks like i am in trouble again violations over my jokes and my 360 acc so let me know if i have offended any of my fans in anyway so i can correct this

2007-09-26 23:37:19 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

a full set of teeth!

2007-09-26 23:32:54 · 2 answers · asked by lost_sole_28 4

2007-09-26 23:21:32 · 9 answers · asked by jon_oshea132 1

An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," said the Major.

He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man," barked the Major.

He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"

2007-09-26 23:11:45 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

During the tense days at the height of the Battle of Britain, some desk navigator at the War Office decided that it was imperative to boost the morale of the pilots. It was decided that the best way to do this was for the pilots to meet some of the young ladies among the British Aristocracy in a social setting. To ensure that some of the young hellions among the pilots didn't get carried away, a Wing Commander would be present to protect the finer sensibilities of the debutantes from any excesses of enthusiasm.

The first such event duly came about, and among the participants selected was Paddy, a young Irish pilot. A bit shy at first, he quickly thawed with a few belts of Irish whisky and an admiring circle of young ladies, and before long he was regaling them with the details of his latest sortie against the Luftwaffe. The Wing Commander casually strolled over and pricked up his ears just as Paddy said, "And there I was, with barely enough fuel to make it back to the airfield, when I suddenly spotted these three Fokkers diving down at me out of the sun..."

The Wing Commander swooped in at once. This was exactly the sort of thing that could be misunderstood by the pampered and protected young debutantes, and the last thing he wanted was a complaint to Air Vice-Marshal Dowding about foul-mouthed pilots. "Excuse me a moment please, Paddy." he interrupted, and turned the audience. "Let me explain, ladies that the Fokker is among the Luftwaffe's finest aircraft, and both their fighters and bombers have given us a great deal of trouble in combat. Thank you Paddy, you can carry on with your story now."

Paddy shook his head soberly. "Yes Wing Commander, sure and you can say the Fokker is a very fine fighting machine, and no one will deny it. However, these three Fokkers I'm talking about were all Messerschmidts..."

2007-09-26 23:05:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"<

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

2007-09-26 22:44:42 · 11 answers · asked by TheatreFan 6

He comes across an indian with his ear to the ground. "What are you doing?" said the cowboy " Stagecoach just past this way" said the Indian "How do you know?" said the cowboy " It just ran over my bloody head"

2007-09-26 22:40:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The celebrant noticed that the bride was in great distress so asked her what was wrong. She replied that she was nervous and afraid she would not remember what to do. The celebrant told her that she only needed to remember 3 things.

First the aisle, because that is what you'll be walking down.

Secondly, the alter because that is where you will arrive.

Finally, remember hymn because that is a type of song we will sing during the service.

While the bride was walking to the wedding march, family and friends of the groom were horrified to hear her repeating these 3 words for herself. . . Aisle, alter hymn.

(I'll alter him!)

2007-09-26 22:21:53 · 19 answers · asked by puma 4

They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"

2007-09-26 22:10:33 · 19 answers · asked by puma 4

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "b**ch" and the women called the man a "b***ard".

Their son walked in and said "What does b**ch and b***ard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have s*x, the women said "feel my t**ties" and the man said "feel my d**k".

Their son walked in and asked "What does ti**ies and d**k mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Sh*t" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "F**k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

2007-09-26 21:57:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

What Exactly Is Marriage?
"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."

How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."

"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -

2007-09-26 21:49:21 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing - your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roomates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you’re still not sure then just perform or*l s*x on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continuously asks me to perform or*l s*x on him.
A: Do it. Sem*n can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interstingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform or*l s*x on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

2007-09-26 21:34:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the oldgraveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker and exclaims: "Miles, from Dublin."

2007-09-26 21:27:25 · 15 answers · asked by puma 4

woman goes to doctors and asks him to look at her aviaries,
doctor said "don't you mean your ovaries" "no" says the woman "my aviaries" so the doc asks her to strip and takes a look "i think your right" he says "theres certainly been a cockatoo up there"

..........................................................................................................
A man was walking down the road when he sees a funeral car and a man with a dog walking behind it followed by a huge gathering behind him,he asks the man who has died cos theres so many following him,"my mother in law" he replies.
"how did she die" he asks , "my dog bit her" he replies, "can i borrow your dog" he asks, and the man replies"join the queue"

2007-09-26 21:25:27 · 5 answers · asked by puma 4

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

2007-09-26 21:03:08 · 15 answers · asked by puma 4

As far as I'm concerned, old age is fifteen years from now!

At eighty, there are six women for every man. What a time to get odds like that.

The best time for men to have babies is when they're eighty. That's when they have to get up ten times a night anyway!

Old age is when a woman buys a sheer nightie and doesn't know anyone who can see through it!

She doesn't show her age, but if you look under her makeup it's there.

His wife powders, and he puffs!

She was born in the Year of Our Lord only knows!

He dines with the upper set. He should use his lowers too!

Instead of a daily dozen, he's got a daily doesn't.

She's been pressing sixty so long it's pleated!

Old age is creaking up on her!

He's so old his typewriter runs on wood!

2007-09-26 20:45:00 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Read this -

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had died, Jenny went straight to visit her grandmother.

When she asked how her grandpa had died, her grandma explained, not holding back anything of course, "He had a heart attack during sex, Sunday morning!"

Horrified, Jenny suggested that sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble!

"Oh no," her grandma replied. "We had sex every Sunday morning in time with the church bells!"

"In with the dings, out with the dongs!"

She paused to wipe away a tear, "...If it wasn't for that damn Ice Cream Truck, he'd still be alive!"

2007-09-26 20:21:56 · 9 answers · asked by Raj 4

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shotafter shot.

The Indian man said to the American,”You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems."

The American said, “Talking about love marriages? I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years.

"After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law. My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson.

Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own g

2007-09-26 20:09:43 · 2 answers · asked by LoCo#33 1

An Irishman was fishing when suddenly he heard a voice from overhead. 'There are no fish under the ice!' the voice boomed.

The Irishman dropped his rod in a panic and said in a trembling voice, 'Is that you, God?'
'No,' thundered the voice. 'I'm the manager of the ice rink!'

2007-09-26 19:45:02 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Hey, I need some blond jokes, write your favorites. Thx.

2007-09-26 19:40:17 · 14 answers · asked by becci736 2

Answer as wittily as u can.
Let's see how funny and smart u could be.....
The best answerer will be awarded with a pair of horns*. lolzz!

* conditions apply.

2007-09-26 16:57:40 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous