Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

At the nudist colony the most popular fellow was one who could hold ten doughnuts and one tray of pints of lager in each of his hands.

So who was the most popular woman?





A - The woman that could eat the last doughnut?

2007-09-26 01:47:36 · 11 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

this man buys a used truck, for a VERY good price, but the dealer say theres only one thing wrong, you must put VASOLINE on the distributor cap everytime it gets wet.Across town a family of mom dad and a daughtrer are arguing over who will do the dishes, the father says everyone has to get naked and sit in a circle in the kitchen, the first one to speak has to do the dishes. the man in the truck has hit 5 mud puddles and is now out of VASOLINE. he sees a house and to his surprize everyone is naked,and not saying a word.The man looks at the mother and says to himself(she's hot) He drags her aside and has sex with her.(MOM NEVER says a word.) he sees the daughter and does the same to her. NEVER saying a word(he puts her back in the circle. the man then says out loud to himself. NOW, for that VASOLINE.The father jumps up and says. (I WILL DO THOSE DISHES) i thought it was cute.

2007-09-26 01:44:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. 'What exactly was it that he threw into the canal?' asked the magistrate.
'Stones sir.'
Well, thats hardly an offence is it?'
'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.'

2007-09-26 01:37:54 · 12 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

scientists have invented a bra that stops womens breasts from jumping up and down while walking or running and prevents the nipples from being seen on cold days.

Don't worry lads his work collegues killed him before he told anyone.

lol

2007-09-26 01:36:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A MAN JUST BOUGHT A COMPUTER BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO SET IT UP SO HE GOT THIS GIRL TO DO IT FOR HIM. WHEN SHE ASKED HIM WHAT HIS PASSWORD WAS GOING TO BE HE SAID (TRYING TO BE FUNNY), "PEN*S"

HOWEVER SHE DIDN'T LAUGH AT HIM, BUT SHE LAUGHED AT THE RESPONSE THAT CAME UP: PASSWORD REJECTED - NOT LONG ENOUGH!

2007-09-26 01:35:34 · 15 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

A very attractive blonde woman arrives at a casino and bets £20.000 on a single roll of the dice.

"I hope you don't mind," she says, "But I feel much luckier when I am completely naked."

With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells out, "Yes! I've won! I' ve won!" She jumps up and down, hugs each of the dealers, scoops up all the chips on the table as well as her clothes and then quickly departs.

The dealers stare at each other utterly dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asks, "So, what did she roll?"

"No idea," replies the other. "I thought you were watching the dice"

2007-09-26 01:31:22 · 26 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

A man walked into the ladies department of a Harrod's, one of Londons largest department stores.

He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the assistant.

"Type?" enquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the assistant, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the assistant.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The assistant replied "The Catholic type, The Salvation Army type, and The Baptist type. " "Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and The Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

2007-09-26 01:28:53 · 14 answers · asked by Nessie from Loch Ness 6

It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year has
ONLY 365' days.

Typical academic year for a student.

1. Fridays-52, Fridays in a year, you know Fridays are for rest.
Days left 313.

2. Summer holidays-50 where weather is very hot and difficult to study.
Days left 263.

3. 8 hours daily sleep-means 130 days.
Days left 141.

4. 1 hour for daily playing-(good for health) means 15 days.

Days left 126.

5. 2 hours daily for food & other delicacies (chew properly & eat)-means
30days.

Days left 96.

6. 1 hour for talking (man is a social animal)-means 15 days!

Days left 81.

7. Exam days per year at least 35 days.
Days left 46.

8. Quarterly, Half yearly and festival (holidays)-40 days.

Balance 6 days.

9. For sickness at least 3 days.

Remaining days 3.

10. Movies and functions at least 2 days.

1 day left.

11. That 1 day is your birthday.
"How can you study at that day?"
Balance days 0

2007-09-26 01:15:41 · 4 answers · asked by Haitham Emad 7

New courses have been made available this academic year for wives / girlfriends. Although enrolment figures are high I believe that some spaces are still available.

The following Training courses are now available:-

Silence, The Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
The Undiscovered Side Of Banking: Making Deposits
Combating The Imelda Marcos Syndrome:You Don't Need New Shoes Every Day
Parties: Going Without New Outfits
Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After The Game.
Bathroom Etiquette 1: Men Need Space In The Bathroom Cabinet Too
Bathroom Etiquette 2: His Razor Is His
Communication Skills 1: Tears - The Last Resort, Not The First
Communication Skills 2: Thinking Before Speaking
Communication Skills 3: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging
Driving A Car Safely: A Skill You Can Acquire
Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share
Telephone Skills: How To Hang Up
Introduction to Parking
Introduction to Petrol
Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space
Advanced Petrol: How To Take The Petrol Cap Off
Water Retention: Fact or Fat
Cooking 1: Bran And Tofu Are Not For Human Consumption
Cooking 2: How Not To Inflict Your Diet On Other People
PMS: Your Problem... Not His
Dancing: Sober Men Don't Like To
Sex: It's For Married Couples Too
Classic Clothing: Wearing Clothes You Already Have
Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
TV Remotes: For Men Only

2007-09-26 01:09:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

He dialed the employers home and was greeted with a Child's whisper,
"Hello"
"Is your daddy home?",he asked
"Yes",whispered the small voice
"May I talk with him?"
"No"
Surprised the boss asked,
"Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes"
"May I talk with her?"
Again the boy whispered,"No"
Hoping there was someone with whom he could talk,
the boss Asked,"Is anybody else there?"
"Yes",whispered the boy,"a policeman"
Wondering what a cop would be doing there,the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No,he's busy",whispered the child
"Busy doing what?"
Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman",came the answer
Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter,the boss asked,
"What's that noise?"
"A helicopter" ...
"What is going on there?!",asked the boss
Whispering the child answered,"The search team just landed The helicopter"
Concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,"What are they searching For?!!"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle

"ME"

2007-09-26 01:06:13 · 6 answers · asked by Haitham Emad 7

Little billy runs into class and says: "Miss theres a dead cat in the playground".
"How do you know its dead?" the teacher asks.
Billy replies: "I p*ssed in its ear and it didnt move at all."
aghast. the teacher exclaims: "you did what?."
Billy says: "I went pssst in its ear and it never moved."

2007-09-26 00:54:04 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaims the guy. The barman replies, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money." "How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

2007-09-26 00:32:42 · 7 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

1. What is dress which we cant wear?

2. Which "Room" we cant get enter?

3. Which falls down but never breaks and loose its originality?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

What alphabet is not used in this paragraph.....

Bye friends..........

2007-09-25 23:25:29 · 20 answers · asked by The Answering Machine 4

One day, Chicken and Duck going out for some food at the football field. they walk along the football field then some time they have to face each other. The situation is:- what will Duck or chicken will say when they face to face with each other??? are they say "HI" or are they say "HELLO"...

2007-09-25 23:22:24 · 2 answers · asked by Freddy M 1

The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted "Having children is an Act of God!" An older man in the back stood and shouted back "So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!"

2007-09-25 21:48:24 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have ...

(keep reading)

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good News and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love, I have concluded that your act displays Sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Jim hung himself in the bathroom with his Bathrobe

2007-09-25 21:24:54 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

themselves as they cross the desert.the first one is French and he says I bring a bottle of wine to cool myself.He turns to a Chineseman and ask him What do you have?The china man says I have a fan to blow wind in my face.Both of them turn to the last man who is an Aggie and see that he is carrying a car door.The two other men look at each other puzzled and ask the Aggie as to why he has a car door.The Aggie replies:Duh!When it gets hot I'll just roll the window down.!!!

2007-09-25 21:23:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is the idea. If you think this joke IS funny, then don't star this question. If you think it's NOT funny, then DO give it one star.

OK, here's the joke.

Once upon a time, there was a guy so ugly that everyone died.

2007-09-25 21:08:18 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you la*d!"

2007-09-25 20:47:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Johnny and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Johnny would say, "I'd like to ride in that aeroplane."
And every year his wife would say, "I know, Johnny, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Johnny and his wife went to the fair and Johnny said, "I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance."
" That aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.", replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Johnny and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Johnny,

2007-09-25 20:44:22 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the for**kins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leathersmith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check back with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leathersmith had made for him. The leathersmith presented him a wallet.

"All those for**kins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leathersmith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

2007-09-25 20:41:46 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

2007-09-25 20:36:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis

2007-09-25 20:19:18 · 6 answers · asked by paddlepop 3

What's the best joke you can think of? Easy 10 pts!

2007-09-25 19:49:49 · 6 answers · asked by Sheevy P 2

(star)if like it my first -joke on on hear.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course,the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,"I think Iam going to have a little whisk broom!!
IMPOSSIBLE!! said the groom broom.We haven,t even swept together!!

(Are you ready for this)

Sounds to me she's been "sweeping"
around !!!!! ha ha

2007-09-25 15:49:25 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-25 15:39:56 · 24 answers · asked by xoxoroxannayo 1

So, this man comes home from work and sees his wife putting her bags into a taxie. The man pulls in behind the taxie and catches his wife as she walks out with her last bag. He askes "Honey what's going on, and where are you going" She looks him right in the eyes and says "I'm tired of you being a Pedofile" He says "Honey thats an awfull big word for a nine year old"

2007-09-25 14:43:18 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

An outdoors story, from Alaska ....
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper. "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted. The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first." The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

2007-09-25 14:29:28 · 10 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

A man calls home to his wife & says "Honey, I've been asked to go fishing up in The Lakes with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week, but I reckon it'll help with that promotion I've been chasing. Could you please pack me a bag with enough clothes for the week & set out my rod & fishing box? I'll swing by the house on the way & pick it all up. Oh.. by the way, pack my new silk pyjamas please."

The dutiful wife says "Okay Honey" then does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home, looking very tired but otherwise okay.
His wife welcomed him & asked if he'd caught many fish.
He replied "Yes! Lots of salmon... erm, a few swordfish...you know, all sorts really. But why didn't you pack my new silk pyjamas like I asked you to?"
She smiled sweetly & replied "I did. I put them in your fishing box...."

2007-09-25 14:13:48 · 20 answers · asked by funnygirl 4

2007-09-25 13:38:53 · 14 answers · asked by mcrlover862 1