Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-25 13:16:51 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Vote for Heaven or Hell
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the senator."Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven." "I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter. And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

2007-09-25 12:48:36 · 17 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

Working By Results

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn.He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

2007-09-25 12:47:03 · 8 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

2007-09-25 12:45:29 · 6 answers · asked by fishineasy™ 7

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."
Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

teehee
got any other jokes for me? (no, they dont have 2 b political)

2007-09-25 12:26:03 · 12 answers · asked by girl_dramaqueen 4

The church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond Organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. He said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl."Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent disease and you know, I haven't had the Flu all winter!!

2007-09-25 12:13:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said;

''I believe it is the process of thought, it comes out in a flash''

''Good try'' agreed the Scot, ''but I think ''blinking'' is even quicker.''

''Pretty good but not quick enough, ''quipped the Welshman. ''I'm sure electricity is faster; just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light''

After a few moments Paddy cut in, ''I believe you all have valid points but I think Diarrhoea wins outright !''

''What the HELL are you talking about, Paddy?'' chimed the 3 other guys.

''Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed.''

''However at 3 o'clock this morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself !!''

Hope you liked this one.. good night all..Toe.

2007-09-25 11:58:42 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boy and his girlfriend was having sex on the top of a bunk bed and his little brother was sleeping at the bottom.. the boy told his gf if its hurts say lettuce and if she wants harder say tomato...
so the girl went lettuce lettuce tomato
the little brother wake up and said 'stop making a sandwich..you got mayo on my face!'

2007-09-25 11:57:01 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived at the Casino and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

2007-09-25 11:50:19 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high
school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I
understand she took to drinking right after we split
up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?"

So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at
everything.....Two sides to every story..........LMAO

2007-09-25 11:44:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on

2007-09-25 11:14:00 · 10 answers · asked by J S 2

some muffins are baking in an oven one muffin turns to the other and says, "is it getting ot in here or is it just me?" the other muffin turns to it and screams, "Ahhh! a talking muffin!"

2007-09-25 11:13:20 · 10 answers · asked by Ladiiღ 3

According to today's regulators and bereaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's and 70's shouldn't have survived, because...

Our cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles or latches on doors on cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets just flip-flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

As kids we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the front was a treat.

We shared 1 drink with 4 friends, from 1 bottle or can and no 1 actually died from this.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - it tasted the same.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personel computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them.

There's a lot more...Toe.

2007-09-25 10:49:46 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

i was walking down the street with my uncle tim when someone threw a tomatoe at him, "tomatoes dont hurt" i said with a grin.he said"they bloody well do when there still in the tin

2007-09-25 10:47:31 · 11 answers · asked by bitch 1

After 40 years of a marriage a man looks at his wife one day and says "honey, years ago we were living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and watching a little black and white tv - but I was sleeping next to a twenty five year old -

Now we live in a lavish home, drive expensive cars, watch our plasma tv -but I am sleeping next to a sixty year old - it seems to me you are not holding up your end of the bargain.

Well, my wife being very practical told me to go and sleep with a twenty five year old and she would ensure that I was living back in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and watching a little black and white TV again!

2007-09-25 10:47:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why don't mormon's make love standing up?

They worry that it could lead to dancing.

2007-09-25 10:28:04 · 13 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

who were a item,decided to go to the local fairground
they were watching the big ferris wheel and nigel wanted to have a ride on it,but colin was frightened of heights and declined the offer of getting on ,so nigel went on it alone !the ferris wheel started to move and colin stood and watched nigel enjoying himself it went round once then it went around again,all of a sudden there was a loud metal grinding noise,and to colins absolute horror the whole wheel dismantled and came crashing to the ground in a big crumpled heap
"oohhhhhhh ooooohhhh nigel sweety nigel where are yoooo"cried colin,all of a sudden in the tangled mess of steel and metal colin spotted nigels legs sticking up in the air,fearing the worst he clambered over the carnage to nigel"oooohh nigel poor sweety are you hurt are you hurt"colin asked nervously"HURT HURT of course im Fukcing hurt ,twice i went around and you didnt even wave to me once"replied nigel

2007-09-25 10:25:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.
"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".
"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra". It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! It was terrible! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it into his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, took me passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good"?

"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But as sure as I'm sitting here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

2007-09-25 10:21:30 · 9 answers · asked by Em x 6

the gorillas on heat, i need someone to have sex with her will you sh ag her for 500?" Paddy replies,"i will on 3 conditions! 1. I dont kiss her. 2. My family dont get to know. 3. give me 2 weeks to get the cash together!!

2007-09-25 10:08:06 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?.... It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

Girl friends are like mobile phones, whenever you want happiness just check inbox, whenever u want to cry check out box, and whenever u want to enjoyment just plug in your charger and enjoy.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.

If all is not lost, where is it?

2007-09-25 10:06:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Highway Patrol officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!".

So pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that in addition to the elderly lady driver, there are four other elderly ladies as passengers, . And all four passengers are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver,confused, says, "Officer, what seems to be the problem?I wasn't speeding."

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving very slow can also be a danger to other drivers."

The woman exclaims, "Slower than the speed limit? I was doing the speed limit exactly! 22MPH!"

The officer explains to her that "22" was the route number,

the woman thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

the officer asks: " are the people in the car ok?"

"Oh, they'll all be all right officer, you see, we just passes route 119"

2007-09-25 09:55:22 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

2007-09-25 09:53:38 · 12 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote scripture. So, she holds up a hand and says, "ACTS 2:38!"

The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops.

When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this.

One of them asked the lady, "How did you do this?"

The woman replied, "I quoted scripture."

The cop turned the burglar, "What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?"

The burglar replied, "Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's."

2007-09-25 09:42:05 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing".

After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth...


Ruined the whole f*cking thing!!! amen!

2007-09-25 09:37:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My English teacher actually came up with this question.
It sounds silly, but it's logical.

Back when time began, how did people figure out how babies are made? And even if they figured out sex, how did they realize it produced babies? I mean, it's a nine month interval; I never would have related the two.

Any speculations?

2007-09-25 09:01:50 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

there was once a man on a ship, but there were huge waves and strong wind, so the ship crashed into an island, and ironically, only one man survived, he explored the island in hopes of people aiding him, then he saw many villagers, it was obvious that they were cannibals, the man thought" i'm screwed" but then a voice called him with the name "your not screwed yet, take a rock and hit the chief rapidly on the head until he is dead" he did just that, all of them were surprized with shocked and angry faces, the voice called him again "NOW, your screwed"

2007-09-25 08:58:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two nuns in the bathtub. One says, "Where's the soap?" The other says, "Does, doesn't it?"

2007-09-25 08:43:23 · 12 answers · asked by Who's sarcastic? 6

Right, for the last few weeks, I have been noticing a lot of jokes at the expense of McCanns as well as jokes made straight after the deaths of Pavrotti and Marcell Marceau.

Now, I'm not a prude. I love a joke as much as the next person but please tell me I'm not the only person who is sick of these type of jokes coming up, especially those about the McCanns which assume that they are guilty of murdering/harming Madeline.

Now, don't get me wrong. I have doubts about their innocence but I have also doubts of their guilt. Regardless of that, I just think people who make jokes about the McCanns are insulting that little girl's memory, if nothing else and they see such a sensitive subject as a quick way to make a joke. These people make me so mad!!

I just need to know that I'm not the only who's got a conscience to feel sad about these awful jokes. And as for those who feel they can make jokes, I hope you're ashamed and I hope you feel it more when she is found, dead or alive.

2007-09-25 08:20:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.
''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, “earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!'''

2007-09-25 07:58:16 · 12 answers · asked by puma 4

He moves the ball before his next shot as to not destroy a patch of buttercup flowers and Mother Nature appears and rewards the golfer with a lifetime supply of butter. Visibly upset, the golfer asks, "Where were you yesterday when my ball was in the pussywillow?"

2007-09-25 07:45:56 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous