Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage.

Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?"

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."

2007-09-24 15:00:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter comes and takes their drink order.

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.

"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.

"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.

"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.

"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggie, "but why have you only ordered water all evening?"

The third piggie says - "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!"

2007-09-24 14:58:25 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

The second lady replies"Oy." The first lady says "All right, so enough about the children." I LOVE this one, what do you think?

2007-09-24 14:08:29 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jesus & Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers & begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition a bolt of lightening strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, & cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out." "Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, & the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"
God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."

2007-09-24 14:02:27 · 7 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office.

"Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today."

Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his
face in his hands, muttering "My God...My God".

"Mr. President," says Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the time, and it's
terrible. But I've never seen you so upset. What's the matter?"

Bush looks up and says..."How many is a Brazilian?"

2007-09-24 13:49:36 · 19 answers · asked by butterfliesRfree 7

"I don't know. It all happened so fast." Cute, huh?

2007-09-24 13:19:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

They walked in and out of all the rooms but every time they did, the estate agent called out 'green side up!
After a while the client couldnt hold back and had to ask why . . . . . .
The estate agent replied ' Oh its okay its just that we have an Irish fella laying the turf

2007-09-24 12:50:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

one night before going to Bed . . . . .
It got stuck in his thoat . . . .
he was up all night with a stiff neck

2007-09-24 12:44:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

one was John Terry and the other was Joe Cole.
She said to one of her punters "if you can name either one of these Chelsea players you can have a freebie . . . . . . .

The punter said "I dont know who the one on the left or the one on the right but the one in the middle with black curly hair and big lips in Shaun Wright Phillips!

2007-09-24 12:27:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Myklia finds an old lamp in the attic and when she polishes it, a genie pops out and offers to grant her three wishes. However, he warns her that whatever she wishes for, the bloke in her life will get ten times better or more.

So Myklia thinks about this and says: "For my first wish I'd like to be the most beautiful woman in the world."

The genie says: "OK, but remember your bloke will be the most handsome man in the world and every woman will lust after him."

Myklia replies: "Go ahead."

So sure enough, she's the world's most beautiful woman.

"For my second wish, I want to be the richest woman in the world."

The genie warns: "That will make your bloke ten times richer than you."

"Fine by me," is her reply. So she's the richest woman in the world.

The genie asks: "What is your final wish?"

Myklia replies: "I'd like a VERY mild heart attack!"

2007-09-24 12:12:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."

2007-09-24 11:54:07 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

This would be for stand up...it isn't a computer joke, but I'll do what I can do. Please rate 1-10

I'm scared of school for 2 reasons. First of all, I personally think that whoever makes my class schedule is trying to kill me. Why? Because I got woodshop class first period. Let me explain. If you remember woodshop class, you remember that there were power tools...lots and lots of power tools. Saws, drills, anything that could take your arm off. And I know what you're thinking..."what the hell's wrong with that?" Well, like I said, I have that class in first period. First period starts at 7:30 in the morning. I'm tired at 7:30 in the morning. Too tired to be playing with s**t that could kill me. You see, it's hard to use a table saw with one bloodshot eye.

Also, I'm deeply afraid of school fire drills. Not afraid of the fire itself...more afraid of the potheads who invented the fire drill. Apparently, in case of a real fire, school's fire drills go as follows: (ctd)

2007-09-24 11:51:47 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is a problem of the week question.

2007-09-24 11:06:25 · 6 answers · asked by mull 1

some more of lifes confusing questions:
{you dont have to answer all of them}

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

2007-09-24 10:58:49 · 5 answers · asked by =] 6

Single Black Female


This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever. (Men are so easy).

2007-09-24 10:50:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I rear ended a car this morning . . . I could tell this was gonna be a REALLY bad day. The driver got out of the car, and he was a Dwarf !!! He looked up at me and said, "I'm not happy!!!". So I asked, "Well . . . which one are you then?"

2007-09-24 10:50:04 · 7 answers · asked by Jay Dub 3

when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long & quiet one, she stopped & asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the old woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make small talk with her. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everhthing she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed the brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" she asked. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she nodded and said, "Make good trade..."

2007-09-24 10:28:06 · 5 answers · asked by D J 4

Hello,

I got this grandmother and she always say did you take a picture of you eye. When you take a picture of something?

2007-09-24 09:49:50 · 26 answers · asked by Cool Dogg Ringer 3

2007-09-24 09:33:04 · 10 answers · asked by PC1761 3

I have NO idea myself!!!!!!

2007-09-24 09:29:52 · 13 answers · asked by Samantha J 1

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old *ss?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

2007-09-24 09:29:37 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

the Ultra Sound guy!

2007-09-24 09:21:30 · 21 answers · asked by thatsnotevenaquestion 4

I'm looking for two, separate answers :D

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions. ---George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. ---George Carlin

2007-09-24 09:07:11 · 6 answers · asked by Holiday Magic 7

For example.. I would like to hear, "Wanna go again?" or "Congratulations, that was Step 1..."

I will choose a Best Answer, unlike some if not most people..

2007-09-24 08:57:35 · 36 answers · asked by Ethen 6

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.

2007-09-24 08:14:06 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a bar in Louisville , Kentucky and ordered a drink. While he was sitting at the bar watching T.V., one of Hillary's political ads came on. After it went off, he stood up and announced to everyone, "Hillary is a horse's ***!"

The bartender reached under the bar and brought out an
oak club about 18 inches long and hit the man square across
the head, knocking him off his stool and onto the floor.

After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself
up and said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this was Hillary country."

"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country."

2007-09-24 07:58:30 · 8 answers · asked by Cherie 6

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but hard to get any real work done.

If you don't apply protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses and confuses yours.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than it's actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful, it can get you in big trouble.

Some people have it, some don't.

People who have it would be devastated if it were cut off-and they think those who don't have it want it.

People who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy but think it's not worth the fuss made about it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop.

Some people would play with it all day if they didn't have to work. Of course, some people do anyways!

2007-09-24 07:56:43 · 3 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A man meets a woman at a bar and they go to her place. They're undressing and he drops his trousers. She points to his messed up knees and asks what happened. He says 'when I was young I contracted kneesles'. She says 'you mean measles'. He says 'no, I actually got kneesles'. She shrugs and continues undressing. When he removes his socks she looks at his sorry toes and asks about them. He says 'shortly after the kneesles, I contracted toelio'. She says 'you mean polio?'. He says 'no, I got toelio'. She shrugs it off, until he drops his shorts. She looks again and says 'don't tell me - smallcox'

2007-09-24 07:18:45 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous

children in the dark cause accidents

accidents in the dark cause children

2007-09-24 07:06:10 · 17 answers · asked by lpoolfan233 2

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2006 Southern EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the south. If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands.

The Southern EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2006, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie, superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is now labeled " Outhouse"

My Computer is called "This Dern Contraption"

Dial Up Networking is called "Good Ol' Boys"

Control Panel is known as " The Dashboard"

Hard Drive is referred to as "4-Wheel Drive"

Floppies are "Them little ol' plastic thangs"

Error message Popups now read "Duct Tape"


CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN THE Southern EDITION :

Cancel ............... Stopdat
Reset ..................Try'er agin
Yes ......................Yep
No .......................Nope
Find ....................Hunt Fer't
Go to ..................Over Yonder
Back ...................Back Yonder
Help ....................Gimme a Han' Here
Stop ....................Now kwit thet (WHOA!)
Start ....................Crank'er Up
Settings ..............Settins
Programs ...........Stuff Wut Duz Stuff
Documents ........Stuff Ah Dun Did

Also note that the Southern EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2006

Tipe-riter ......................... a word processing program
Cullerin' Book ................a graphics program
Cowntin' Mersheen ......calculator
Outhouse Paper ............notepad
Inner-net .........................Microsoft explorer 6.5
Pitchers ...........................a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused.

If you received a copy of the Southern EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y'all!

2007-09-24 07:03:04 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous