Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

2007-09-23 21:45:29 · 14 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

2007-09-23 21:43:43 · 9 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"

"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

"I souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."

2007-09-23 21:42:46 · 10 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself into the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications.

"Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your troubles will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be," said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one, it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

2007-09-23 21:18:09 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit and they're paying their own way!"

2007-09-23 21:16:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
Messes up your stuff,
Eats your food,
Uses your telephone,
Takes your money, and
Never appears to have noticed that
You actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!

2007-09-23 21:14:02 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-23 20:40:46 · 45 answers · asked by Cheery 1

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

\

2007-09-23 19:20:18 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-23 19:11:18 · 12 answers · asked by jobees 6

its the son/daughter of my mom, the son/daughter of my dad but he/she is not my sibling...

2007-09-23 19:07:22 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-23 18:54:01 · 8 answers · asked by LolaMola 4

mom caught me in bed with my boyfriend.

2007-09-23 18:43:45 · 4 answers · asked by flower girl 2

there are 2 twins, Terry and Leo, of the same age, same appearance,same hight and weight. They have no moles, no warts or other visible defects. But I'm sure who is Terry and who is Leo. How?

2007-09-23 18:26:28 · 15 answers · asked by Alex N 3

It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laughter.

What is it?

2007-09-23 18:21:27 · 13 answers · asked by ProgramedBoy 2

whats orange and shaped like an orange?

2007-09-23 17:56:55 · 15 answers · asked by xrandomnessx 2

How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?

You call them up and tell them you can't come.

2007-09-23 17:50:26 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day Jesus was walking by the pearly gates when Saint Peter asked him to watch the gates for a few minutes. Jesus agreed and a few minutes later, he saw an old, old man approach. He walked very slowly, had a halting gait, and long white hair and beard. "How did you spend your life on Earth, my son?" asked Jesus. "I was a simple carpenter for sixty years," replied the old man. "And what do you hope to find here in heaven?" asked Jesus. "I hope to find my son," said the man. "Well, there are millions upon millions of people here. How will you find him?" "I'll recognize him by the nail holes in his hands and feet," nods the old man. Jesus does a double take, thinks for a moment, and whispers, "Father?" The old man looks at Jesus, stretches out his withered arms and says, "Pinocchio?"

2007-09-23 17:36:57 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she was putting up a hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything. I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag. My cut was $14.50.

2007-09-23 17:28:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

What does a woman say to a man who she has just had sex with?
She can say whatever she wants... he's asleep.

2007-09-23 17:25:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What are my ears made out of?

2007-09-23 17:21:56 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

[93 x .052 /8.8 +100 -300 ]+[ 200 x 10] [ 5.4 x 10 ] - 3 x 10 = how old am i

2007-09-23 17:01:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

WW1 and 2 vets this should be second nature to you. easy ten points for first CORRECT answer

.. | -.. --- | -. --- - | .-- .- -. - | - .... . | | | | .--. --- .. -. - ... | --. .. ...- . | .. - | - --- | - .... . | .--. . .-. ... --- -. | -... . .-.. --- .-- | -- .

2007-09-23 16:31:02 · 3 answers · asked by call the owls 4

1. This is as light as a feather, yet no man can hold it for long. What is it?

2. I am slim and tall, Many find me desirable and appealing. They touch me and I give a false good feeling. Once I shine in splendor, But only once and then no more. For many I am "to die for". What am I?

3. I am not alive, but I grow; I don't have lungs, but I need air; I don't have a mouth, but water kills me. What am I?

4. You walk up to a mountain that has two paths. One leads to the other side of the mountain, and the other will get you lost forever. Two twins know the path that leads to the other side. You can ask them only one question. Except! One lies and one tells the truth, and you don't know which is which. So, What do you ask?

5.I pass before the sun, yet make no shadow. What am I?

2007-09-23 15:13:46 · 9 answers · asked by Izzy A 1

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big
bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

" My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and
this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf
again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what b ig teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm
trying to poop!"

2007-09-23 15:10:39 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-23 14:42:00 · 10 answers · asked by Josy &Tara 2

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of
string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for
your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

2007-09-23 14:24:50 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-23 13:47:57 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-23 13:32:00 · 11 answers · asked by Buddy Love 5

Wednesday

lmao

2007-09-23 13:29:25 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

2007-09-23 13:08:56 · 21 answers · asked by Abby Paige~BABY BRO DUE IN JAN!! 3