Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

and stuck it's claws into his testicles..bleeding badly the guy rushed to A&E. After waiting a short time,a nurse said to him "right,this way Mr Balls".And he said"hang on,my names not Balls". And the nurse said"thats funny,I've got down here Claude Balls".

2007-09-23 04:16:53 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

2007-09-23 03:39:22 · 30 answers · asked by J S 2

Suicide Hotline...please hold.

Susan and I are not here
right now. We're in the
bathroom having some fun.
She likes it up and down and
I like it back and forth. Leave
a message at the beep and
we'll get back to you as soon
as we're finished brushing
our teeth. Thank you.

Thank you for calling
555-2322. If you wish to
speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now.
If you wish to speak to Lynn,
push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have a
wrong number, push 3 on
your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing
doesn't do anything, but it is
a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel
like we have a big time
phone system.

Thank you for calling Santa's
workshop. Santa can't come
to the phone right now, and
the elves are out back
barbecuing Blitzen. After the
tone, please leave your
Christmas list, and maybe
we'll get back to you!

2007-09-23 03:20:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

2007-09-23 03:12:45 · 10 answers · asked by Sultan Cartman 5

Thats nice said the blonde. O no it isnt said the redhead, this means three days on my back with my legs in the air. Dont you have a vase, asked the blonde.

2007-09-23 02:54:31 · 19 answers · asked by john j 1

It's a Sunday. I can remember when the shops used to be shut. Other's will remember when people actually went to church. It's the weekend, what did you do? And what do you believe in? And give me one positive thought.

What did I do? I woke up at 9.45 after too many beers last night, had a 3 coffees and a few cig's, watched the news and some music TV, went to the shop for milk, had another coffee and then threw up, and came out to the internet cafe where I've been online on Y!A ever since. I'm an atheist.

My positive thought is that soon I will head out to the forest for a hike and look at the flora and fauna.

2007-09-23 02:37:46 · 11 answers · asked by bulletproofmoth 2

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of
liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up
and asked him what he was doing?

Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in
the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most
powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy
Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put
this on a cat's @ss, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......."

2007-09-23 02:22:58 · 17 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

His right hand burst into flames.

2007-09-23 02:13:38 · 12 answers · asked by Jonathan V 7

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"

"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.

The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

2007-09-23 01:05:25 · 12 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good looking handsom man gets on.

So then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Wow", he is so good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off".

"I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders!" said the brunette.

All of a sudden the blonde turned to the brunette with a confused look and said, "Ok, but how do you give shoulders?"

2007-09-23 00:54:53 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Army captain calls his hard-as-nails sergeant major into his office. "Sergeant, I`ve just got a telegram that Private Jones` mother died yesterday. Go and tell him and then send him to me." The sergeant steps outside and has his men line up.
"Listen up men," he says. "Get your bunks ready for inspection. Oh, and Jones your mother died yesterday. Report to the captain."

The next day, the captain calls in the Sergeant and says, "Sergeant, that was a cold way to tell Jones his mother had died. And I`ve just learned that McGrath's mother has passed away. Tell him at roll call, but be more tactful this time."
"Understood, sir," the sergeant replies. He steps outside and brawls for his troops to fall in. "Everyone with a living mother, take two steps forward," screams the sergeant major. "Not so fast McGrath."

2007-09-23 00:34:34 · 10 answers · asked by Em x 6

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

2007-09-23 00:26:56 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"

2007-09-23 00:20:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bloke walks into a pub with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. I'll give £500 to anyone who has an instrument the octopus cant play." A guy walks up with a guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and plays it like Jimmy Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet like Dizzy Gillespie. A third guy walks up with a set of bag pipes. The octopus fumbles with it, and then sets it down, looking confused. The guy says "Ha! you can't play it." The octopus says, "play it? As soon as i get its pyjamas off, I'm gonna shag it,"

2007-09-23 00:14:20 · 20 answers · asked by J S 2

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is s*x?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.
"

2007-09-22 22:57:39 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length
looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed,
middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans
are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under
that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog,
tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be
put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,
"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side
of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong ****** out the
window."

2007-09-22 22:14:25 · 9 answers · asked by Luiz Sabra 7

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

2007-09-22 22:04:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

i can't remember how it goes... please help:)

2007-09-22 20:41:25 · 4 answers · asked by st_inza_ar 1

2007-09-22 20:28:57 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

Say Cow Before Every Word

1. Cow

2. About

3. Talking

4. Idiot

5. This

6. Got

7. I

8. Long

9. How

10. Look

Now Say The Word Cow After Every Word

1. Cows

2. About

3. Talking

4. Idiot

5. This

6. Got

7. I

8. Long

9. How10. Look

Now Say Cow Before And After Each Word

1. Cows

2. About

3. Talking

4. Idiot

5. Got This

7. I

8. Long

9. How

10. Look

Now Read Just The Words Upwards From The Bottom

1. Cows

2. About

3. Talking

4. Idiot

5. This

6. Got

7. I

8. Long

9. How

10. Look

I didn't mean to call you that.

2007-09-22 20:27:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-22 20:26:41 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-22 19:55:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Is that so we don't drown when it rains? hehehehe :-)

2007-09-22 19:08:13 · 5 answers · asked by SavvySue 7

if u did the......or is going to do it.... Whoever leaves the last post game wins.......u should ve not have done dat wait till the end there is still like 1 day left to answer so u guys r not going to win....................wooo i am and i know how

2007-09-22 18:32:47 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his Mom is
baking. He puts his Hand in the flour and then wipes it all
over his face."Mamacita, look, I'm a white boy."

His Mom slaps his face and says, "Go show your Father."

He goes to his Dad in the living room and says,
"Look Papacita, I'm a white boy."
His Dad slaps him hard in the face and says,
"Go show you Grandmother."

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says,
"Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy."
His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him
back to his Mother.

His mother says, "What did you learn from that?"

The boy replies:
"I have only been white for five minutes and already I don't
like you Mexicans!"

2007-09-22 18:22:10 · 20 answers · asked by Don, '80's Connoisseur 4

If you are at someones home for a large gathering like say a birthday party with a buch of kids and toddlers around and a kid runs or walks past you with the unmistakable odor of loaded britches, do you say something funny or in a joking manner or just keep quiet and let someone else figure it out?

2007-09-22 18:08:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Suicide Hotline...please hold.

Susan and I are not here
right now. We're in the
bathroom having some fun.
She likes it up and down and
I like it back and forth. Leave
a message at the beep and
we'll get back to you as soon
as we're finished brushing
our teeth. Thank you.

Thank you for calling
555-2322. If you wish to
speak to Tim, push 1 on
your touch tone phone now.
If you wish to speak to Lynn,
push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have a
wrong number, push 3 on
your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing
doesn't do anything, but it is
a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel
like we have a big time
phone system.

Thank you for calling Santa's
workshop. Santa can't come
to the phone right now, and
the elves are out back
barbecuing Blitzen. After the
tone, please leave your
Christmas list, and maybe
we'll get back to you!

2007-09-22 17:11:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of the sentences below does
not belong with the others, based
on a very simple reason.
1) Was it a bar or a bat I saw ?
2) Ma is as selfless as I am.
3) No it is open on one position.
4) Why it seemed red didn't it ?

1st right answer, gets 10 points

2007-09-22 16:52:19 · 25 answers · asked by trebor2 6

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. (By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident. ))

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.............

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

2007-09-22 16:45:48 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dent Repair

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair

shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde,

decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to was take it home and blow in

the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came

over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

2007-09-22 16:31:55 · 8 answers · asked by Sangy . 4