Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

they both have wet noses

2007-09-22 09:26:45 · 5 answers · asked by lee b 5

the goverment today announced that its changing its emblem to a condom because it more accurately reflects its politicle stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts protection, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while youre actually being screwed.

2007-09-22 09:13:08 · 11 answers · asked by amethyst2 4

A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "there's more than one type?"
"There are three types." Replies the clerk,
"The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference in them?"
The clerk responds, "It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain's out of mole hills."

2007-09-22 09:12:07 · 31 answers · asked by Em x 6

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they
aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very
quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair."

2007-09-22 09:01:32 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.

He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."

When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife confessed, "Not this time

2007-09-22 08:38:12 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, " Pierre , kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre ?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre , kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.

"Pierre ! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre , kiss me much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the Cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine . Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE FOCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

2007-09-22 07:44:08 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

She asks,"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

2007-09-22 07:40:43 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yes I am" replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my
brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I have not found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

2007-09-22 07:38:29 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well that's the last straw," says the wife.

"I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

"Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

She replies, "Ours is prettier."

2007-09-22 07:34:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

to be Angled by Everyone Around?

2007-09-22 06:19:04 · 6 answers · asked by rockman 7

2007-09-22 05:28:23 · 16 answers · asked by hello world 7

with no doors or windows.
all you have is a mirror and table..
how do you escapee?

2007-09-22 04:42:51 · 15 answers · asked by jenna-->♥ 1

can any body guess that how many times a girl get in her total life

2007-09-22 04:19:42 · 2 answers · asked by arun s 2

A gAY Jumped on your back?

Keep him on or toss him off?

2007-09-22 03:59:40 · 19 answers · asked by ~Hunky Homer~ 2

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied,
"You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we
were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at
night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

2007-09-22 03:37:46 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-22 03:36:22 · 4 answers · asked by Spoonee 1

Men's Pick-up Line Destruction

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."


Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."


Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

2007-09-22 03:16:40 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

2007-09-22 02:52:35 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

....Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen from or heard from again. The Mccanns have offered to help.

2007-09-22 02:46:31 · 4 answers · asked by J S 2

The poor have it
The rich want it
It's better than god
and if you eat it you'll die
What is it

2007-09-22 02:03:56 · 15 answers · asked by SolarWind 4

oh so true!!

The grossest thing for me to see
is my bathroom floor all full of pee.
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Don't they see there is a hole?

Out in the woods, they think it's cute
to see how far a guy can "shoot."
But in the house, it's plain to see
there is a bowl in which you pee!

(It's usually white and kinda round
you hit the water, not the ground.)
Why can't they make it in the bowl?
Is it a problem with control?

If not control, then tell me why
they make my bathroom such a sty?
Come on guys, get a clue!
You know what you have to do.

Be a human - not a pig
and don't forget to lift the lid.
When you're done, make it flush
don't always be in such a rush.

Then take the lid and push it down
(don't make us women feel like clowns)
Falling in, it is not fun
getting water on your buns.

Zip up your pants and you're all done
now wasn't that a lot of fun?
Keep this little poem in mind
Your woman will find you very kind.

2007-09-22 01:06:01 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

How about some requests for him to play. I will start with a request for Dance with the Devil by Cozy Powell. what would you like for his next performance

2007-09-22 00:57:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do you lava me like I lava you?

2007-09-22 00:07:19 · 19 answers · asked by "!" 5

HAS BEEN JUST BEEN QUOTED AS SAYING "I JUST WANT TO MOVE BACK TO PORTUGAL AND NEVER BE SEEN OR HEARD FROM AGAIN" THE McCANNS HAVE OFFERED TO HELP.

2007-09-21 23:40:40 · 5 answers · asked by nealtash69@btinternet.com 1

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a big diamond.

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.

A couple are lying in bed. The man says: "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says: "I'll miss you."

He said: "Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly."
She said: "Well, you've succeeded."

He said: "Shall we try swapping positions tonight?"
She said: "That's a good idea......you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."

He said: "What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?"
She said: "Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat git."

Q - What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A - A rumour.

Q - What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A - 45 minutes

2007-09-21 22:52:52 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-21 22:43:44 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous

We've all played this before...all you have to do is mix your first pets name with the current street you live on...

My porn star name would be Sammy Clement

2007-09-21 22:24:45 · 15 answers · asked by Fat Kids Are Hard To Kidnap 4

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous girl on his arm. "Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

2007-09-21 22:22:45 · 13 answers · asked by Knownow't 7

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

2007-09-21 22:15:36 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
weakly,
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to," his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to
die in
peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your
mother!" "I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the
poison
work."

2007-09-21 21:57:47 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous