Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

joe works on the 19th floor of an office building, yet everday he gets off of the elevator at the 17th floor and walks up the remaining two flights of stairs, why??

2007-09-21 11:07:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Can anyone suggest funny job descriptions like killing mosquitoes etc. I can't think of one right now.

The most funny one will get the points.

2007-09-21 10:59:52 · 8 answers · asked by Rip Van W 3

many on the rope and that if some don't get off, the rope will break and they'll all die, but they can't decide who should make the sacrifice. Finally, the WOMAN gives a really touching speech, saying how she'll give up her life to save the others because WOMEN are used to giving things up for their husbands and children, offering themselves to blokes and not receiving anything in return. When she finishes speaking, all the MEN APPLAUD her bravery.

PROVING THAT MEN SHOULD NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE INTELLIGENCE OF A WOMAN !!!

2007-09-21 10:22:04 · 21 answers · asked by ♥ Beaver Diva Sue ♥ 7

A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge began, you've been brought here for drinking.

'Great', the drunk exclaimed. 'When do we get started?'

2007-09-21 10:01:47 · 17 answers · asked by Bonobo 2

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.
"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

2007-09-21 09:58:11 · 8 answers · asked by Bonobo 2

A Doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, "and you are no good in bed either" and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to phone after many rings and the irritated husband says "what took you so long to answer the phone"?

She says, "I was in bed".

"In bed this late, doing what"?

"Getting a second opinion" she says.

2007-09-21 09:57:54 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"

The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."

"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.

"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."

"Like this?"

"A little more..."

"Like this?"

"No. A little more..."

"Like this?"

"Yes. Does that hurt?"

"A little bit."

"Now stretch it over your head!"

2007-09-21 09:57:02 · 32 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

2007-09-21 09:49:53 · 8 answers · asked by inkysquares 2

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing Home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy..

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

(You are going to love this !!!!!)









"Well," he replied, *"Today's the viewing."*

2007-09-21 09:34:31 · 17 answers · asked by chris w. 7

2007-09-21 09:32:26 · 19 answers · asked by sunshineskylark 1

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."

"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

2007-09-21 09:24:31 · 27 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Sorry I can not tell you the answer until monday becaus I will not know the untill then. But I will use your guess 'cause it's as good as mine!

2007-09-21 09:21:49 · 12 answers · asked by cody h 1

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment?
A: An IN-body experience!

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.

Q: What will a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.

Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.

Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Cause their balls show!

Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: It's the only car name they can spell.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

2007-09-21 09:00:07 · 8 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

The third guy ducks.


Wakka wakka

2007-09-21 08:48:25 · 10 answers · asked by Brian F 3

A woman has two children, and a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?

2007-09-21 08:44:08 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Council flat!

2007-09-21 08:40:42 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

To look "Big" they said they had to be 12 in long. The US sent the condoms but stamped on the boxes "medium"

2007-09-21 08:38:02 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

would you chuck wood....or would you perfer something

more tasty...french fries perhaps?

Would you get splinters from chucking so much wood..

would you be a "wood addict?"

2007-09-21 08:00:15 · 7 answers · asked by Kakashilove<3 3

Dear All,

HR Policy: Effective Sep 2007



Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.



Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.



Annual Leave Days

Each employee will receive 52 Annual Leave days a year.They are called Sundays.



Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an

2007-09-21 07:33:05 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some People Never Retire

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a Nursing Home.

On the front lawn were 6 old ladies laying naked on the grass.

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home with the same 6 old ladies laying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the manager.

"Do you know there are 6 ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale".

THERE YA GO!!!!!!!!

2007-09-21 07:17:07 · 17 answers · asked by Knownow't 7

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that
there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true
to his word he made contact.

"Connie....Connie. ."

"Is that you, Joe?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast,
off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have
sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex
pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have
sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

Oh, Joe you surely must be in heaven."

"Well, not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

2007-09-21 06:54:18 · 7 answers · asked by Shorty 2

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

If u found this interesting and to be thought about do throw in a star

2007-09-21 06:12:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

As I was going to St. Ives,
I met a man with seven wives.
Each wife had seven sacks,
Each sack had seven cats,
Each cat had seven kits.
Kits, cats, sacks and wives,
How many were going to St. Ives?

2007-09-21 06:08:58 · 12 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

Talking Dog



A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale.



"He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.



I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"



"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff."

2007-09-21 06:07:21 · 9 answers · asked by P!NK 5

What goes up when the rain comes down?

2007-09-21 06:05:55 · 24 answers · asked by zmdk_zmdk 2

2007-09-21 05:32:31 · 10 answers · asked by wond3r 1

1. If you understand, say "understand" . If you don't understand, say " don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand". How do I understand that you understand? Understand!


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2.I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.


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3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.


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4 .A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.


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5 . Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People


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6 .If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?


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7 .I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.


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8 .Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"


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9.Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside.


Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside.

Mr Outside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.


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10.SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES


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11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.


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12.If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?


"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"


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13.We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. Watch? Whether the weather is hot.

Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.


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14.Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely .


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15 .A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue


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16.If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.


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17.Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw .....

2007-09-21 05:11:30 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE IRISH CANDLE STORY

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she
met up
with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to
ye! Aren't
ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years
Ago?"

She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"

She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll
light a candle for ye and yer husband."

She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs.
Donovan, how are ye thes e days?"

She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10
in all."

The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving
husband doing?"



She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!

2007-09-21 05:03:44 · 3 answers · asked by Stephanie 3

She has really gotten me off track.

2007-09-21 04:56:43 · 9 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

2007-09-21 04:25:50 · 29 answers · asked by Anonymous