Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

17. When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check to see if it's really dead.

16. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

15. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased companions.

13. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

11. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know or if they speak to you using a voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will probably take several hundred rounds to kill them, so be prepared!

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

9. When you have the benefit of numbers, *never* pair off and go it alone.

8. Do not take *anything* from the dead.

7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you are doing.

5. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

3. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

2. If you're searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it's just the cat, *leave the room immediately if you value your life.*

and last but not least...

1. If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away!

2007-09-21 04:18:05 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "What a scary mask!" but you're not wearing a mask!

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

and last but not least...

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

Funny or not

2007-09-21 04:17:59 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak

2007-09-21 04:17:54 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

16. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

15. I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

14. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

13. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

12. I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

11. I will stop sending e-mail to my roommate.

10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk.

9. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.

8. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer e-mail.

7. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.

6. I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line.

5. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*

4. I resolve to back up my new 400 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...

3. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet.

2. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.

1. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

2007-09-21 04:17:44 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-21 03:50:00 · 5 answers · asked by Gino D 1

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said, "I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me."

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, "Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you."

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

"Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, "See! That guy was really stupid."

"No kidding," replied George W. "There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

2007-09-21 03:37:04 · 8 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

Eve. She made Adam's Banana Stand.

2007-09-21 03:04:30 · 9 answers · asked by MikeyG 6

tinnumpehs cseateh inagmorssot divoa metinghos hattacn ahrmo ther pelope..

to solve, UNSCRAMBLE AND GROUP some letters. ;)

Example : wla knigt ehd og ...

= Walking the dog..

Good luck! :D If you can solve this, I'll message you...and...make you earn 30 pts instead of 10.. :) (for the best answer only..)

2007-09-21 02:27:31 · 6 answers · asked by leianna_mae 2

This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred

Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a

Very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a

Few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the

Door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and

Ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He

Then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of

Breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other,

"Look, Bruce.. there's that f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

2007-09-21 01:44:10 · 9 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man takes his wife to the county livestock show, and they head down the aisle that houses the bulls. The sign on the first stall states, THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year. Isn’t that nice!” After passing a bull that had mated 65 times, she grinningly quips, “You could learn from this one!”

They reach the last bull, whose ownder is stroking the massive beast’s head. “How many times has your bull mated this year?” asks the wife.

“This here’s the pride of the County: 365 times, ma’am.”

The wife’s jaw drops, and she turns to her husband. “Wow! You could really learn from this one. You should ask him what his secret is!”

The fed-up man turns to the breeder and says, “Hey, was it all with the same cow?”

2007-09-21 00:59:39 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ivana has been married to Bart for a while now, yet she is so h*rny that every time her husband goes away on a business trip, she invites not one, not two, but three men to come over and play hide the sn*ke.

One time when her husband was leaving for a business trip, she had three men lined up to come over right away. However, this time Bart forgot his passport at home so he had to rush back as fast as he could.

When Ivana heard the door open, she told all the men to hide somewhere. The first guy hid under the bed, the second in the closet and the third out on the balcony.

Bart walks into the room and sees his wife standing n*ked and asks, "Ivana? Why are you n*ked?"

She immediately claims that she was changing into her PJs for a quick nap. But then Bart hears something under the bed. He finds the first guy under the bed and exclaims, "Who the hell are you? And what are you doing here???"

2007-09-20 23:47:35 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

2007-09-20 23:43:15 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his senior buddies, the oldest and wisest of the four -- at 87 years old -- piped in and said, "Just be thankful we're still on the right side of the grass!"

2007-09-20 23:39:00 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Objective: To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

What You Need:
1. Girl with bra
2. Two functional hands
3. Common sense

Techniques:
1. "The Houdini Hug": Using sleight of hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2. "MacGyver's Off The Shoulder Slide": An alternative method to use after 10 minutes of unsuccessful hugging.

Do Not Use: Scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, black magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

Warning: When removing a bra, do not say the following:
1. "I really want to thank you for this."
2. "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3. "Do you have any cereal?"

2007-09-20 23:36:26 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag; - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.

Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

2007-09-20 23:33:36 · 9 answers · asked by Keith 6

give reasons for your answer........!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-20 23:08:53 · 12 answers · asked by Family Guy Obsessed 2

there is something that you cant hold for 10 minutes no matter what, even though its lighter than a feather ... what is it?

2007-09-20 22:54:49 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Margaret is very upset as her husband Albert had just passed away. She went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she starts crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black, but he'd see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit.

She says to the undertaker "Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?"

"Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband's size was brought in & he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit," the undertaker replied.

The wife smiled at the man.

He continued, "After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads"

2007-09-20 22:27:47 · 16 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."

2007-09-20 22:26:41 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Two Martians land in the middle of the night in a closed gas station. They get out of their space ship. The Martians go up to a gas pump. One says to the other ," I think these are Earth people".

"Take me to your leader!" replies the first Martian. No response.

The second Martian whispers to his partner, "I don't think we should screw with this one".

The first Martian says "Take me to your leader or we are going to blow you to kingdom come!"

No response.

With that, the first Martian takes out his laser gun and zaps the gas pump. It blows up and so does the gas station and the Martians are thrown into the air and land in a tree.

The second Martian says to the other, "I TOLD YOU, WE SHOULDN"T SCREW WITH A GUY, WHO COULD WRAP HIS PENIS AROUND HIS NECK AND STICK IT IN HIS EAR!"

2007-09-20 22:25:30 · 5 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A STUPID man was walking down the street, carrying a brown paper bag. He ran into one of his friends, who asked, "Hey! What do you have in the bag?"

The man tells his friend that he has some fish in the bag. His friend says, "Well, I'll make you a bet. If I can guess how many fish you have in the bag, you'll have to give me one."

The man says, "I'll tell you what. If you tell me how many fish I have in this bag, I'll give you both of them."

2007-09-20 22:24:27 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A young man got a license to trap furs for the winter in Alaska. After buying supplies in a local town he went into a nearby saloon. Approaching the bartender he asked, "Is there any action to be had in this town?"

"What do you mean, action?" asked the bartender.

"I mean, are there any women," said the trapper.

"No, but there's always old Joe," replied the bartender.

"No thanks," said the trapper. "I don't go for that kind of stuff."

The next spring the trapper came back into town. After being snowed in for nine months he was in a slightly different frame of mind. He walked into the bar and asked, "Is there any action in town?"

"There's still old Joe," replied the bartender.

"If I were to go for old Joe," he asked, "Who would have to know about it?"

"Well," said the bartender, "there's you, me, old Joe of course, and these three guys sitting at the other end of the bar."

"What do we need those three guys for?" asked the trapper.

"To hold old Joe," replied the bartender. "He don't go for that kind of stuff, either."

2007-09-20 22:21:23 · 2 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Two police offers were investigating a mysterious death.

When they arrived at the scene of the crime they found a room with no windows and the dead man who seemed to have hung himself by a rope from the ceiling

There was no chair or table that the man may have jumped off

The only clue was a puddle of water on the floor

How did the man manage to hang himself?

2007-09-20 22:09:04 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Star the Q. please if you are not a fool.

2007-09-20 22:08:23 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

I mean with the blonde jokes. why do you take it so seriously? its just a bit of fun. If your SO insulted why dont you try and come up with some jojkes about the people who are 'insulting' you?

Before you say i dont know what its like: I get muslim, Indian, Paki, Black/brown and nerd jokes thrown at me.I just take it in stride... or come up with a counterattack. I dont shout RACIST and try and get an audience. I just quietly humiliate the other guy and be on my way. why cant you do that as well?

BTW i know there are a lot of blondes who dont care anyway. this is not targeted at you.

Shame

2007-09-20 21:09:50 · 8 answers · asked by Rastafarianhobo 4

the person who buys is sad about it
the one who makes it doesn't use it
the one who uses it doesn't know about it
what is it?

2007-09-20 20:05:45 · 24 answers · asked by Pagan Pip 4

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

2007-09-20 19:44:40 · 16 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

Mommy, Mommy! Daddy's running down the street!

Shut up and step on the gas!


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Mommy, Mommy! I don't want to see Niagara Falls!

Shut up and get back in the barrel!


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Mommy, Mommy! Is this the way to make pickles?

Shut up and get back in the barrel!


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Mommy, Mommy! Daddy went through the meat grinder!

Shut up and eat your hamburger!


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Mommy, Mommy! How will we ever find Daddy on this golf course?

Shut up and search the sand traps!

2007-09-20 19:43:14 · 18 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A blonde and a brunette decide to start a farm together. They add up their life savings into a total of $200.00.

Then, the blonde decided to purchase a bull with it. The brunette agrees, and so the brunette leaves to go find the perfect bull. When she does she is to telegram the blonde and tell her to come get it.

Finally, the brunette find the bull of her dreams. The farmer says he wants $200 for it. The brunette, thinking she can get a better deal, says no to his offer.

The farmer says, "Alright then, I'll give you a great deal, how about $199.00?"

The brunette accepts and buys the bull. She has $1.00 left for the telegram. The telegram guy says, "It's $1.00 per word." The brunette thinks about this and says,"Comfortable, write that."

"Comfortable?" the guy questions.

"Yes, you see she reads slow."

2007-09-20 19:39:59 · 15 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-09-20 19:39:16 · 21 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2