Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

2007-09-20 07:00:32 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing, disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.

2007-09-20 06:59:00 · 3 answers · asked by Shae 5

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,

'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of
Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were
living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named
Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-
Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa
Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

2007-09-20 06:41:24 · 27 answers · asked by Frank Heyes 2

A man woke up one morning, and to his amazement the date and time was 07/07/07 at 7:07am. So, feeling lucky he decided to take all of his money and go to the horse racing track. He waited for the cab and what do you know cab #7777 came along. Giving him more excitement, he told the driver to take him to then nearest horse track. The man couldn't believe it.The cab driver dropped him off on 77th street. He ran up to the counter and horse #7 had the exact same name as him. He put down all of his money on #7 without hesitating. The man lost all of his money. Do you know what happened??


















The horse came in 7th place.

2007-09-20 06:39:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young cowboy walks into the town cafe. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asked the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning in it with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

2007-09-20 06:27:09 · 7 answers · asked by delia 4

Riddle me this, Riddle me that, why are you such a moron?

2007-09-20 04:50:44 · 6 answers · asked by John Relling 1

Brandi the blonde is in such serious financial trouble that she decides to ask God for help. She prays, "God, I lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my car. Please, God: let me win the Lotto."
But Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi's numbers don't come up. Again she prays, "God, I've lost my business and now my car and if I don't get some money soon, I'm going to lose my home. Please God: let me win the Lotto."
But again, Lotto night comes and goes and Brandi's numbers don't come up. In desperation she prays, "God, I've lost my business, my car, and my home and if I don't get some money soon, my children will starve. Please, God: just this once, help me get my life back in order. Let me win the Lotto!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, a roar of thunder, the heavens open and Brandi hears the voice of God Himself!
"Brandi, my child! Meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!"

2007-09-20 04:08:52 · 11 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

2007-09-20 04:07:38 · 24 answers · asked by colin050659 6

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

2007-09-20 04:01:02 · 31 answers · asked by Greybeard 7

This may be disgusting, but here it goes:

A guy is drunk and the next morning he wakes up and has a hangover, he's about to go to work, and he realizes that he left his jacket at the bar, he goes to the bar to get his jacket and the Bartender says, "You were really drunk last night" and the guy responds,"Yeah I was blowin chunks" then the bartender chuckles and says, "That's okay everyone does that when they are drunk" Then the guy says, "No! You don't understand chunks is the name of my dog"

2007-09-20 03:57:30 · 14 answers · asked by tomsingsdumpweed 1

Favorite Food
Dogs: kibbles
Computers: bits



Method used to end undesirable behavior

Dogs: hit with rolled up newspaper
Computers: hit control-alt-delete



After destruction of personal property

D: dog not found
C: file not found



Favorite trick

D: roll over
C: play dead



Comic-page hero

D: Dogbert
C: Dilbert



Fun way to mess with their heads

D: peanut butter on roof of mouth
C: peanut butter in CD-ROM drive



Consequence of virus

D: replace valuable carpeting
C: replace valuable data



Widely ignored government mandate

D: leash law
C: Communications Decency Act



Waste disposal tool

D: pooper-scooper
C: uninstaller (necessary only on Win-tel machines!)



Sensitive internal procedures

D: must be undertaken by fully qualified professional
C: may be undertaken by that guy at work who fixed "one kind-of like this" once



Method of marking territory

D: lifting leg
C: "Designed for Windows '98"



Unique behavior

D: lick and drag
C: click-and-drag



Inexplicable physical feature

D: dewclaw
C: scroll lock key



Estimated lifespan

D: 12 years
C: 12 months



At end of useful life

D: euthanasia
C: tax deduction

2007-09-20 03:20:09 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to

2007-09-20 01:59:57 · 9 answers · asked by Joe H 3

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

"Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later]

"Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later]

"Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

2007-09-20 01:58:21 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do

AMEN

Spread God's love, may His light shine upon you, keep & protect you

2007-09-20 01:33:47 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "

If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!"
I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!"

And proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. Not until you have at least seen my demonstration and with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to my hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said.

"Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of broke do you not understand?"

2007-09-20 00:56:02 · 14 answers · asked by raybbies 5

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

2007-09-20 00:47:37 · 4 answers · asked by PC 7

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

2007-09-20 00:44:12 · 4 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."


The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger!

2007-09-20 00:42:43 · 3 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?" Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Eddy both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Eddy replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Eddy was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Eddy: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Eddy: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Eddy: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Eddy: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

2007-09-19 23:55:18 · 12 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

2007-09-19 23:53:08 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two men were fixing a bomb in a car.

Man 1 - What will happen if the bomb explodes while fixing.?

Man 2 - Don't worry,I have one more

2007-09-19 23:41:36 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-19 23:34:31 · 23 answers · asked by Jared 2

Could he still plow ahead in life?

2007-09-19 23:32:49 · 3 answers · asked by ghouly05 7

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.--Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

2007-09-19 23:31:02 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

1ST THIEF - THE POLICE IS HERE.QUICK,JUMP OUT OF THE WINDOW

2ND THIEF - BUT THIS IS THE THIRTEENTH FLOOR

1ST THIEF - HURRY,THERE IS NO TIME FOR SUPERSTITIONS.

2007-09-19 23:29:26 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts
rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
Gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

2007-09-19 23:26:16 · 15 answers · asked by boris the spider 5

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father, having never seen an elevator, responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

2007-09-19 23:18:29 · 17 answers · asked by Armyvet 6

There was a little old lady who was very spiritual who would step out on her porch every day, raise her arms to the sky and yell "Praise the Lord."

One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he became very irritated with the spiritual lady.

So after a month or so of her yelling, "Praise the Lord" from her porch, he went outside on his porch and yelled back, "There is no Lord."

Yet, the little old lady continued.

One cold, winterly day, when the little old lady couldn't get to the store, she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said, "Help me Lord, I have no more money, it's cold, and I have no more food."

The next morning, she went outside, and there were three bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week.

"Praise the Lord,! " she yelled.

The Atheist stepped out from the bushes and said, "There is no Lord hahaha, I bought those groceries!"

The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and said, "Praise the Lord, you sent me groceries and you made the Devil pay for them!"

2007-09-19 23:00:44 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building about to jump. The blonde looks at Bob and says, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he will."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair is fair," she says. "Here's your money."

Bob replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I saw that too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

2007-09-19 22:55:51 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

where did they start driving to by mistake???

2007-09-19 22:35:12 · 6 answers · asked by Maz 1