Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel between his legs. Bartender: "Hey uhh...pirate ya' know ya' gotta ships wheel between your legs?"
Pirate: "ARRRRRRRR!! It's driven me nuts!!!!!

2007-09-19 12:38:19 · 5 answers · asked by Barry DaLive 5

Answer: A zebra that was just shot by Dick Chaney.

2007-09-19 12:26:28 · 7 answers · asked by The Zunester 5

There are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
If only you and DEAD people can read hex, how many people can read hex? 57006
A geek is someone who believes that there is 1024 meters in one kilometer.
Do you know others?

2007-09-19 12:19:24 · 6 answers · asked by Ether alchemist 2

This one Docter has a daughter and when she was little he put glitter up her ????

Anyways when she gets older she takes a guy home to meet her parents...

Well her dad takes her date into his office and tells him to pull down his pants her dad says, "you better not have sex with my daughter of Ima cut your ???off."....

So they go on their date...but when they get home her dad tells her date to take off his pants and he has glitter all over his??? so he CUTS IT OFF!!!!

Once againg the girl takes another guy home and her dad takes him into his office and tells him to pull down his pants.....

When they get home he also has glitter on his ??? so he cuts his off too......

Once againg she takes a guy home and her dad says "pull down your pants".....

So they get home from their date and her dad checks him againg and what happens.........NO GLITTER!!!!! So her dad says, " Well someones been a good boy!" The boy smiles and he has glitter all over his teeth!!!!!

2007-09-19 12:12:01 · 11 answers · asked by jessicaj_2007 1

if you kiss me you will break the spell that has been cast on me, and i will turn into a beutiful princess and i will be yours forever. the man thinks for a while and says " to be honest with you, i,d rather have a talking frog".

2007-09-19 12:10:52 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One night, after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and then the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.
By this time the woman was becoming hot & bothered so she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed. "Why are you stopping darling?" she
whispered. He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

2007-09-19 11:46:52 · 6 answers · asked by CARL B 4

A man walks into a bar and sits down, noticing a very little man about a foot tall playing a tiny grand piano.

"That is amazing! How is that possible?" he questioned the bartender.

The bartender, poured the man a drink and said "Here, I rubbed the magic beer bottle and a genie popped out. He said he'd grant me one wish...and here this little guy is...playing away."

The man rubbed the bottle, and sure enough, a genie came out.

"I shall grant you any wish you want."

The man says "Wow...Ok. I wish I had a million bucks."

**POOF!!**

All of a sudden there are a million ducks everywhere!

The man says "What the hell? This isn't what I asked for!"

The bartender says, "Yeah, you're tellin me. You think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

2007-09-19 11:05:29 · 30 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

Know any good jokes. I need to laugh. Just tell me a joke dont matter what it is. Remember I'll be judging so if it's good I'll choose you as best answers.

2007-09-19 10:56:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush, Saddam Hussein and General Cosgrove were all walking along a beach together after a peace talk , when they spotted an empty champagne bottle lying in the sand . They popped it open, and a Genie materialised before them , announcing, “You have two wishes each.”

First , George Bush said , “I wish I had an army of a million tanks to wipe out Saddam Hussein’s army and free the people of Iraq! I also wish I had a fleet of a million oil tankers , to take his oil supplies when I’m done !”

The Genie granted the Chief Executive his wish .

“Ha !” Saddam retorted . “You won’t defeat me so easily ! I wish there was an impregnable wall around all of Iraq , so no Iranians , Israelis or infidel Westerners may enter ! I also wish to be transported safely back to my palace in Baghdad !”

And with that , the Genie did his bidding , and Saddam vanished in a puff of smoke .

This left only General Cosgrove .

“Well , first of all ,” said the good General ,”tell me about

2007-09-19 10:51:39 · 10 answers · asked by Alexi 2

Want In A Man
What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

2007-09-19 10:25:02 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

what's crossed?

2007-09-19 10:21:36 · 4 answers · asked by Sanskia 3

a little girl says to her dad
Dad y is that dog lying on his back with his legs up int the air?
the dad responds
hes dead and is lying like that ready for god take him to heaven.
The dad leaves for work and the little girl carries on playing.
When the dad finaly arrives home the litte girl says to him
Dad mum nearly died today she was lying on the bed with her legs in the the air shouting "oh god im coming" if it wasnt for the milkman holding her down she would of died.

2007-09-19 10:18:59 · 20 answers · asked by tasha201987 1

Don't read if you are a feminist

Okay, a manfinds a majic lamp and a genie comes out.
the genie says i will give you 3 wishes. but, every thing you wish for your wife gets double.
the man agrees and begins to wish.

man:I would like a fancy new car!
genie: fine, butyour wife gets 2 fancy new cars
man: i want a big nice house!
genie: fine, but your wife gets 2 big nice houses.
man: i want to be half beaten to death.


get it?

2007-09-19 10:15:20 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you do this for more than 60 seconds you will either get a fight started or make love


please answer this riddle if you can

2007-09-19 10:06:50 · 10 answers · asked by acai berry 2

My attempt at a religious joke:

Satan is walking along and he comes upon God just sitting around. Satan asks if God has anything he should be doing.
God says "Nah...."
Satan asks "You don't even have anyone to smite?"
and God says "No, I'm between Jobs right now."

*cues rim-shot sound effect*

Gimme a star if you snickered? *blinky eyes*

2007-09-19 09:52:19 · 9 answers · asked by Delicious Pear 5

are sudenly set upon and raped, suprised by the event one nun says to the other "what will mother superior say when we tell her we,v been raped twice?" the other replys "we,v only been raped once" " but we,ll be going back the same way"came the reply.

2007-09-19 09:49:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

know any?

2007-09-19 09:39:48 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have jumped off the Sears Tower in Chicago and Jumped from the Empire State Building, Both Times I have Lived with no scratch, Each time I jumped off I went back up and Jumped off Again.

2007-09-19 09:37:18 · 10 answers · asked by daniele™ 4

"I`m on my menstrual cycle ". Great says Paddy I`m on my scooter " I`ll follow you home

2007-09-19 09:32:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-19 09:28:47 · 8 answers · asked by ♪ladida♪ 2

with a blue elephant, of course! How do you shoot a pink elephant?

2007-09-19 09:23:19 · 22 answers · asked by JillsMom 2

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"She giggles , "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?"The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her @ss in it

2007-09-19 08:36:45 · 34 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

2007-09-19 06:28:13 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

There was a man fron Boston
Who bought himself an Austin
He had room for his @ss
A gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost em

2007-09-19 06:25:48 · 3 answers · asked by wcs_n_ms 2

i need some thing to cheer me up

2007-09-19 05:54:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

choclate

2007-09-19 05:54:27 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

took em' 2 times but they finally got him.

2007-09-19 05:38:42 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it)



2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it)



3. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

(In my next life I want to be a pig)

(How'd they figure this out, and why?)



4. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Still can't get over that pig thing)

(Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)



5. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

(And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)



6. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmmmmm........)



7. Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)



8. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of...?)

(Did taxpayers pay for this research??)



9. Polar bears are left handed.

(Who knew....? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)



10. The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)



11. The flea can jump 350 times its body length.

It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)



12. A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

(Creepy)



13. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(Honey, I'm home. What the....)

(Well, at least pigs get a break there...)



14. Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)



15. Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)



16. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.

(I know some people like that.)



17. Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that too.)

2007-09-19 05:13:50 · 39 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

probably wont remember,but u were in a pile up on the motorway,ur going to be ok.you'll walk again and everything seem fine,but there is a bit of bad news ur willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it. The bloke groans a bit(as u do) but the doctor goes on, "we checked ur insurance and uv'e actully got £9000 compensation coming to you and the good news is that we have the technology to re-build a new Willy that will work better than ur old one,but the thing is it aint cheap. It is £1000 an inch". the bloke perks up a bit at this(as you would) "so its a simpl decision"the doc says "you need to decide how many inches u want,but u'd better discuss this with ur wife, cos if u had a 5in Willy before u go for a 9in she might be put out ,but if u had a 9in then go for a 5incher she may be dissapointed.So talk it over with ur wife. The next day the doc asks well did u talk it over wit ur wife?
"yes"
so wahts it to be asked the doc?
we're having a new kitchen!!!

2007-09-19 03:54:38 · 23 answers · asked by richy 3

Ok guys...two questions to ask...just cause I am bored in work...

1. If you were a food, what would it be and why
2. Who would play you in a movie of your life

My answers would be;

1. Dairymilk Hazelnut (cause I am a little nutty)
2. Evan Rachel Wood cause she also is a little bit nutty

2007-09-19 03:49:24 · 18 answers · asked by Emssssssssss 3