Jokes & Riddles - September 2007

A man woke up one morning, and to his amazement the date and time was 07/07/07 at 7:07am. So, feeling lucky he decided to take all of his money and go to the horse racing track. He waited for the cab and what do you know cab #7777 came along. Giving him more excitement, he told the driver to take him to then nearest horse track. The man couldn't believe it.The cab driver dropped him off on 77th street. He ran up to the counter and horse #7 had the exact same name as him. He put down all of his money on #7 without hesitating. The man lost all of his money. Do you know what happened??



















The horse came in 7th place.

2007-09-20 12:51:18 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

two lions walking along the seafront at southend and one turns to the other and says " its a bit quiet for a bank holiday aint it"

2007-09-20 12:50:59 · 9 answers · asked by nealtash69@btinternet.com 1

A businessman met a beautifulgirl and asked her to spend the night with him for £500. And she did. Before he left in the morning he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price, so he had his secretary send a cheque for£250 and enclosed a note.
Dear Madam, Enclosed fina a chequ3 in 5h3 qmoun5 or £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that: (1) it had never been occupied before. (2) That there was plenty of heat. (3) That it was small enough to make me cosy and at home. Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the

2007-09-20 12:43:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

After his days's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notice a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied. "Ah senor you have excellent taste" Those are bull's bal*s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I'm so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning the American returned and placed his order. That evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

2007-09-20 12:27:29 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

okay so a guy is
near the
end of his
senior
year in high school.
Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his
younger
brother who is only 9
years
old.



One night, he decides to bring his
girlfriend home
for a little fun.
They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that
his little
brother is already
asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his
girlfriend climb
up
to the top bunk.



As you
might expect things start to heat up.
The guy remembers that his little brother
is
sleeping below so he tells
his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants
it
harder and "tomato" if
she
wants a new position.















Lettuce!!!















Tomato!!!















Lettuce!!!















Tomato!!!















Lettuce!!!















Tomato!!!










She screams.















Lettuce!!!














Tomato!!!









Whoa!!!










PULL IT OUT!!!










PULL IT OUT NOW!!!










I can't get pregnant!







Then the little brother shouts up, "Hey,
would you
guys stop making
sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise
all over my
face!*!*!*!*!

2007-09-20 12:17:20 · 16 answers · asked by skatergurl 0 1

God meets them personally and starts with Ronaldo and asks him what he believes. Ronaldo says, " I believe in the use of my great gift of skills". God turns to JT and asks the same question. JT says, "I believe in hard work and being tough". Gods finishes by asking James McFadden, what do you believe. Faddy says, " I believe you are sitting in my chair!"

2007-09-20 12:12:54 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's the difference between Chris Matthews of CNN and Bill Gates?

Matthews has "Hard-balls" and Bill Gates has "Micro-soft"

2007-09-20 12:11:11 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Q: Why don't blondes like to breast feed their children?
A: Because it hurts when they boil their nipples.

Q: What do a blonde & a turtle have in common?
A: When they fall on their backs, their both screwed.

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was
pregnant?
A: Are you sure it's mine.

Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she
was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M
factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

2007-09-20 11:55:48 · 10 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

this one was real popular after we steelers beat the colts in the 2006 divisional playoffs....

Peyton Manning was taking a walk with God. They passed Peyton's house. It was very small, like a trailer home with some Colts flags in the window. Then behind the house and on a huge hill stood a huge mansion, with Terrible Towels from every window.
Peyton asked God, "Why is my house so small while Ben Roethlisberger gets a huge mansion?
God replies, "Oh, that's not Ben's house thats mine."

2007-09-20 11:41:23 · 8 answers · asked by Screw Monetarism 4

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in seven floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...
First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and like kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not liking kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, do all the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, are fantastic chefs, completely faithful, are great conversationalists and really funny, use maps, and their mothers have passed away." "Now we're getting somewhere" they said, "but imagine what must be on the next floor." So up they went.

Sixth floor

The door had a sign saying "These men are rolling in money, love kids, are incredibly good looking, do all the housework, are incurable romantics, know how to satisfy you completely, are fantastic chefs, totally faithful, great conversationalists and really funny, would love to go shopping with you, use maps, put the toilet seat down and change the paper, and their mothers have passed away." "Pretty tempting" they said, "we really have to see what's on the next floor." They were so excited they ran up the stairs.

Seventh floor

The door had a sign saying "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Please leave the store via the exit..

2007-09-20 11:41:05 · 25 answers · asked by Jack Sprat 1

How do you confuse an Essex Bloke?



Put him in a round room, then tell him to go sit in the corner!!

2007-09-20 11:30:30 · 9 answers · asked by Lisa T 6

What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?



A bus shelter.

2007-09-20 11:19:03 · 10 answers · asked by Crackerjack 3

There are 3sisters-Milly,Molly and Fanny.Their only fault is their big feet.One night Mill and Moll go to a dance but their partners keep stepping on the gils'toes."Wow!"the boys say."Aren't your feet massive?"
And the gils reply,"If you think our feet are big,you should see our Fanny's"

SPERM DONATIONS!!!!!!!
Why are sperm donations a lot more expensive than blood donations?
Cause sperm donations are all hand made.!!!!!

HOW!!!
How many men does it take to change a loo roll?
No one knows,cause it's never been done before!!!!!

2007-09-20 11:07:16 · 11 answers · asked by Wonderstar 6

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude". With that, she stripped, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!

YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY -Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men

2007-09-20 10:58:03 · 6 answers · asked by ǝuoʎʞɔɐʍ 7

You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!!(scroll down)

1st Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
***

Ans.: If FIRST is your answer, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Second Question: I f you overtake the last person, then you are..? (scroll down)

***
Ans.: If you answered, second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:Very tricky arithmetic!
Note: This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper, rpencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 .Now add 30 .Add another 1000 .Now add 20 .Now add another 1000 . Now add 10. What's the total?
***

The correct answer is actually 4100. Use a calculator!

2007-09-20 10:53:25 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you like this joke?


there was a blonde a brunet and a redhead.the police where after them and they ran into a farm the brunet jumped into a pig sty and started making pig noises......the police said nobody is here. the the redhead jumped into a chicken pen and started making chicken noises and the police said nobody is here........then the blonde jumped into a sack of potatoesand started saying 'potatoe, potatoe' and the police caught her

2007-09-20 10:45:38 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

http://img252.echo.cx/img252/8159/006wo.swf

2007-09-20 10:35:37 · 8 answers · asked by ♪ladida♪ 2

2007-09-20 10:29:59 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sorry you lovely blonds.

Two blonds decided to go hunting. They had all the right equipment, but were annoyed that although had been hunting for hours they hadn't seen a single thing. Eventually they were very excited when they came across some tracks. But they argued. One thought they were lion trcks the other bear tracks. While they were arguing they both go run over by a train.


A man was walking a long a river bank. He noticed a blond on the other side of the river and he shouted "Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river?" The blond looked a little confused. "Why?" She responded "You are already on the other side of the river."

2007-09-20 10:28:37 · 9 answers · asked by Smart_Guy 4

Three guys arrive at the gates of Heaven and are greeted by St. Peter. He says to the first man: "Jaime, have you been a good person?"
Jaime replies: "Yes, I've led a truly enlightening :) life, and I've never been unfaithful to my wife." So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce car to aid his travels in Heaven.

Then St. Peter asks the second man, Cracker Jack, if he's led a good life. Jack replies: "Well, mostly I've been honest and caring, but I have been unfaithful to my wife once."
"Very well," replies St.Peter. "You may have a Ford Fiesta."

He goes to the third man, Smila, and asks him the same question, to which Smila replies: "Well, no, I've stolen from my loved ones, and I've not been faithful to my wife for more than a week." so St.Peter gives Smila a bicycle.

A few days later, Jack & Smila pass Jaime, who's in his gleaming Rolls Royce, sobbing his heart out. Smila asks him, "What's the matter? If I had your car I'd be the happiest man here!!"

2007-09-20 10:24:33 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

2007-09-20 10:15:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

So, there is a chinese man who had just moved to the us to be with his family.he didn't speak any English, so his family got him a portable tv. he was downtown one day and was flipping through the channels. on one channel there was a woman singing "mi mi mi mi mi!" on the food channel, there was a lady saying " I eat my stak with a fork and knife of course!" on sprout a little girl said "she stole my lolly pop!" on nickelodeon spongebob said "bring it on tubby!" and on another channel a glade commercial it said "plug it in, plug it in." then a poice officer said to the man " we are looking for someone who murdered a woman. do you know who did it?" not knowing what he was doing becaus ehe couldn't understand him, simply coppied what the tv said. "mi mi mi mi mi!" the officer said "YOU DID!?! well then how did you kill her?" the man said "with a fork and a knife of course!" the officer said "why did you kill her?" still blissfully unaware of what he was saying

2007-09-20 10:09:35 · 8 answers · asked by julia❀✿ 5

he gets to the corner, and bumps smack into Keith Richards, who was running along in the other side of the flats.

Which one falls over first?

2007-09-20 10:08:35 · 15 answers · asked by Buzzard 7

That's how long I have left at work!!! Who's excited for me?

2007-09-20 09:54:38 · 7 answers · asked by Colonel Obvious AM 6

have u ever met Mr. Jass, Hugh Jass?

let me know if u have :D

2007-09-20 09:25:49 · 15 answers · asked by Mirt 2

2007-09-20 09:10:44 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-09-20 08:55:29 · 45 answers · asked by frederick_troy 1

A very shy young man goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone. After an hour he gathers enough courage to go and ask her, " Er...excuse me, but would you mind if I sat here beside you? "

She responds in a loud voice " NO, I DONT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

Everyone in the bar turns to stare at them. The young man is surprised, shocked and embarrassed and goes back to his table.

After a few minutes the woman walks over to him smiles, apologizes, and says, "You see, I'm a student of psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations. "

The young man responds loudly with," WHAT DO YOU MEAN TWO HUNDRED BUCKS. THATS TOO MUCH!"

2007-09-20 07:19:19 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not all blondes are really dumb. They're nice people.

2007-09-20 07:14:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this
HUGE
black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner
Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says:
"What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "Wha t EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet
tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds
each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said,
"Turn
around."

2007-09-20 07:01:06 · 14 answers · asked by Roxy 3